Da Hungah Games: Director's Cut
by Oxenstierna D. Yuki-Rin
Summary: Director's cut of chapter 38 of "The DysFUNctional Pirates". Panem is now at war for it's freedom. The people working for District 13 want Hana to be their revolutionary figurehead, which she agrees to. Friends and family will be in danger, nobody is safe, and... Dalton is playing a character named "Dalton"? What the French toast? Rated for crack and because it's Hunger Games.
1. Fly Like a G6

**Author's Note: **I had so much fun writing chapter 38 of **The DysFUNctional Pirates**, so I decided to write a director's cut of it. For those of you that don't know what happened in that chapter, it was a parody of _The Hunger Games _trilogy. Please keep in mind that some things will be changed, because it's a director's cut of the chapter. Have fun reading this fun fic while I have fun writing it!

**Disclaimer: Suzanne Collins owns _The Hunger Games _and Eichiiro Oda owns One Piece. I only own the Capricorn Pirates, my OCs for One Piece.**

* * *

I wake up, and the first thing I feel is a heavy weight on me, and a ton of fur.

Goddamn it. Aria's bear is sleeping with me. He probably got nightmares involving Rebecca Black or Chuck Testa or Rick Astley, since today's Reaping Day.

With a sigh, I grab my cattle prod and prod Bepo - Aria's bear - with it. When Aria adopted him, Bepo was a hot mess - He had low self-esteem, he had a gun collection, he had fleas, and he liked odd music. Aria single-handedly cured Bepo of everything but the strange music addiction.

"I'm sorry," Bepo apologizes to me. I just glare at him as I get dressed.

"Get back in your cage," I say before I put my hair up in my signature ponytail and put on my glasses. I then leave my house, where I'm going to catch some food.

I live in a nation known as "Panem", which consists of 12 Districts. I live in District 12, the Monty Python District. I live in the poorest neighborhood of District 12, which we call "The Dirty, Hungarian Phrasebook". That says something about us. We ARE NOT Parsole pig-dogs, thank you very much.

Back to my story, I pass the local Target and the coal mines on the way to the field I like to go to when I want to read my favorite form of literature, yaoi. But, I shudder when I pass the coal mines. My dad was a great miner before he died at work. Was he killed in a mine explosion? No, he was a pimp that got into a shoot-out with another pimp.

I then slip under the electrical fence seperating me and my "yaoi fields", which is supposed to be on for exposition purposes that will show up later. I then grab a bow and some arrows from a hollowed-out tree, and I make my way to the field.

"Hey, Katniss."

I turn around, and I see Holden Sarutobi, the Memetic Sex God of the District (or, at least at my school). Thick, blue-and-black hair, a brooding stare, dat ass... Am I in love with him? No, I love yaoi more him.

"Zura ja nai, Katsura da!" I yell, quoting Gintama when I wasn't supposed to. You see, my real name is Hana Yakushi. When I first met Holden, I said "Katniss Everdeen", because I forgot that I wasn't Katniss Everdeen.

"Are you on your period? You must be craving this," Holden says as he pulls a loaf of bread from Hammerspace. I grab the bread and shove the entire thing into my mouth. The only bread I eat is that crap we make from the tessarae-issued grain.

"Shut up," I say with my mouth full.

"Then why are you eating the whole loaf?" Holden asked me.

"I have no shame," I answer before swallowing my bread. "I mean, the Hunger Games start today. Twelve boys, twelve girls, only one wins fame, fortune, and PTSD."

"Yep. Happy Hunger Games," Holden says.

"And, may the odds be -" I say before I laugh really hard. Why am I laughing at peoples' expenses? It's the 69th Hunger Games, and 69 is a funny number, because it reminds me of yaoi.

"Ever in your favor," Holden adds. I stop laughing and take a few breaths.

"Oh, my God. This is going to be a hilarious year," I say. It'll sure beat last year, where the arena was Shanghai during World War II. After a moment of silence, Holden speaks.

"We could do it, you know. Run away to Mexico and start life anew. Don't worry about learning Spanish, we can buy a Rosetta Stone when we get to Mexico City," Holden explains.

"I can't. I don't have a passport," I say. Holden sighs.

"I can make a fake one for you, okay?" Holden offered. I grinned.

"Okay. You get on that after the Reaping, okay?" I say.

* * *

After hunting, fishing, and more hunting and fishing, we go to Target to trade with Granny Tsuru. Somehow, this Target became 25% black market, and all illegal trades are done at either the Starbucks, the electronics counter, the check-outs, the garden center, or the Pizza Hut.

"Granny Tsuru, how did Target become a partial black market?" I ask her as I give her some fish. Tsuru just glared at me.

"I couldn't get a liquor license. Now, stop talking about Target before somebody calls the cops on us," Tsuru explained as she handed me used panties from Victoria's Secret. It's for my mom. We can't afford Victoria's Secret, but she really loves their products.

On the way home, we pass Sadie Hawkins, the mayor's daughter. She dressed in a nice outfit that shows off much of her legs and a little bit of her clevage. A gold pin is pinned to one of her boobs.

"Nice pin!" Holden calls out to Sadie, who gives him a dirty look before walking away. I kick Holden in the nuts for staring at Sadie.

"Ow! See you at the Reaping! Don't wear steel-toed boots!" Holden winces in pain before falling to the ground.

"I won't!" I say before I run home. When I get home, my mother, Boa Hancock, is dressed in a slutty sundress, as usual. Aria's Reaping Day outfit isn't much better - A white, collared shirt that is backless, a black tie, a black, leather miniskirt, and black, high-heeled boots. I facepalm.

"Don't worry, Hana. Your Reaping Day outfit is conservative," Mom reassures me as she pulls out a red dress with black polka dots on it, a black sweater, and black flats. I sigh.

"Well, whatever floats your boat," I say to her before going to my room to get changed.

* * *

Aria and mom probably got their Reaping Day outfits from Forvever 21, or H&M, or some other awesome clothing shop. I probably got my Reaping Day outfit from the kid's section of Nordstrom or Macy's. Why?

All of my fellow teenagers are staring at me for my childish dress. Yes, the boy next to me said he saw my dress in the window of a kids' clothing shop.

I look to the stage and toward the Justice Building, averting all prying eyes. On the stage sit Sadie and her family, and District 12's only living victor, Thierry Brighton. Currently, he is drunk as a skunk, which happens everyday. I'm not surprised that Thierry showed up drunk to the reaping. Also there is Bon Kurei, our District's escort to the Capitol and a "Sweet Transvestite From Transsexual, Transylvannia".

Did I mention that attendance to this thing is mandatory unless you're dying? Some guy ditched this event two years ago just so he could go to Las Vegas. He was tazed several times when he got home.

At 2 o'clock on the dot, the fun begins when Mayor Hawkins tells us about the history of Panem for the millionth time. Since I've heard it so many times, I've memorized it. It goes something like this:

It was a sunny day in May back in 2008 in Los Angeles, California. All was well, until a fire broke out on the Universal Studios backlot. Said fire destroyed many film sets, including a wardrobe that led to a place called "Narnia". Because Narnia - at the time; they discovered more wardrobes leading to Narnia - was cut off from the rest of the world, the entire kingdom fell apart, split off into 13 Districts, and re-named itself "Panem" because the guy who took over after the fire was a crazy ex-pirate named "Gol D. Roger". He was a dictator, and, understandably, people rebelled. Roger was killed in the rebellion, and his last words were: "My secrets to being an awesome leader? It's yours for the taking! I've left it all in One Piece!" Unfortunately, crazy dictators took over, destroyed one District, and instituted the Hunger Games, a yearly competition where 12 boys and 12 girls enter an arena. Only one makes it out alive and gets fame, fortune, and mind-scarring memories.

Basically, the moral of that story was this: Camping sucks. Oh, and Gol D. Roger ruined many childhoods by destroying Narnia.

While Mayor Hawkins rambles on, I take this time to ogle Holden. That black fedora he's wearing for the Reaping looks mighty sexy on him. And, that blue, collared shirt matches those soft strands of hair he dyes. Oh, I just want to smell his hair dye!

"Happy Hunger Games! May the odds be ever in your favor!" Bon Kurei shouts. I mentally flip him off, since he broke my concentration on Holden. "It's time to pick our Tributes for the 69th Hunger Games! Ladies first!"

Bon Kurei puts his hand into a giant fishbowl, and pulls out a slip of paper.

"Aria Yakushi!"

What the hell?

* * *

**Ending Note: Review if you want to see the male Tribute of District 12!**


	2. LOL Marco is a Mommy

**Author's Note: **Here is the fallout from Aria's Reaping. This is when the adventure TRULY begins. Why? Because Marco wears a dress and Whitebeard runs a bakery. That's why.

**Disclaimer: I only own my OCs.**

* * *

Aria is frozen in place, looking confused. This reaction doesn't surprise me.

"Eh?" Aria cries as she is escorted to the stage.

"NOT MY SISTER, YOU BITCH!" I yell, pushing several people out of the way. "I volunteer as Tribute!"

Everyone grows silent. Then, Aria calmly walks up to me and bitch-slaps me.

"You bitch! I KINDA WANTED to go to the Hunger Games! I want to start something you can't!" Aria cried.

"You can't do that! You'll get killed and, accoding to Shirou Emiya, people die when they're killed!" I shout.

"You can't even fight! At least I have a license to own a shotgun!" Aria shouts back. Holden - my salvation in skinny jeans from Hot Topic - walks up to us.

"I'll take her off your hands. Just go out there and tell the nice tranny what you're doing," Holden explains before he picks up Aria and carries her off. Aria then flips me off and says some nasty words. I walk onto the stage, where the Sassy, Gay Escort with swans on his back awaits.

"So, cutie pie, what's your name?" Bon Kurei asks me. In truth, he's beginning to scare me.

"My name is Hana Yakushi," I answer as I fix my glasses a bit. Maybe that will make me look respectable after that giant bitch fight I was just in.

"Hana Yakushi! I bet my buttons that was your sister!" Bon Kurei trills. Why did I do this again?

"She is. She's a doctor, not a fighter," I explain. From the crowd, Aria holds up a placard that says, "I hate you".

"Wonderful! Let's pick our boy Tribute!" Bon Kurei says before he pirourettes over to the boy's fishbowl and pulls out a name. "Portgas D. Ace!"

What the hell? Can this day get any worse?

Here is how I know Ace:

* * *

***Begin Flashback, Five Years Ago***

_My father recently died and my mother went into shell shock. She hasn't been doing anything except sit on the couch, eat ice cream, and watch T.V., especially TMZ. My sister and I grew hungrier and hungrier as our mom got more and more addicted to television._

_Anyway, one afternoon, I decided to gather up my mom's skankiest clothes and sell them in town while she was too engrossed in an episode of Big Rich Texas. I failed to sell the clothes, since who wants lingerie or hooker boots?_

_As I go home, I think about food. I just happen to be near Whitebeard's Bakery at the time, so I decide to go in and see if any of the many employees want my mom's stuff._

_"Good afternoon, sirs. Would you like some -" I ask before a man with a tattoo on his chest pulls a shotgun out. Strangely, he was wearing a dirndl._

_"Sorry, WE DON'T FUCKING BUY STRIPPER COSTUMES!" He shouts before kicking me out of the bakery. The clothes get muddy in the process, but I'm okay._

_"Great... Now I know how Liechtenstein felt before Switzerland found her," I said with a sigh, because I am literally dying of hunger. I then hear tons of swearing and fighting from inside._

_"Ace, you idiot! No more naps!"_

_"But, Mommy Marco, I -"_

_"No buts! Throw that away!"_

_A black-haired man with nice pecs and nice tattoos then walked outside with three boxes of donuts._

_"Take them. I made too many," Ace explains before he handed me the donuts. That night, mom, Aria, and I feasted like kings. The next afternoon, I found a dandelion growing in a crack in the sidewalk, and I turned it into a salad._

_I'm such a boss when it comes to cooking._

***End Flashback, Revert to the Present***

* * *

Ace's parents have to drag him onstage, because he's sleeping. Thank God he's sleeping.

"Ooh! Looks like we have ourselves a beefcake!" Bon Kurei comments. I shake Ace's hand as Mayor Hawkins reads the Treaty of Treason. We don't care that Thierry is making a drunken ass of himself during the closing ceremonies, because I care about survival at this point. Ace cares about whether or not he's in Limbo right now.

* * *

After this, the nice men in white escort me inside the Justice Building and sit me down on a nice couch in a nice room.

"Wow. This is nice thing-ception," I say to myself before mom and Aria enter.

"Hana... I'm sorry for starting that bitch-fight. You were right, I should just stay home, bake cookies, and watch TMZ alone with mom," Aria explains.

"I am right. And, while I'm gone, you're gonna do as I say - Don't take any tessarae - A.K.A. more grain and oil, which means more entries for the Games -, make sure mom stays sane, get some cash by treating the sick and injured, and Holden will help you with food. Got that?" I explain to Aria.

"Yes, mom," Aria says sarcastically. Two Peacekeepers drag them out, and Holden is dragged in.

"All they want out there is a better show than Jersey Shore! Prove to them you're not Snooki!" Holden explains.

"Of course, I will. Jersey Shore sucks," I say. Holden grabs my hands. Finally, we're gonna make out!

"Before you go, I really need to get this off of my chest. I lo-" Holden says before the Peacekeepers drag him out.

* * *

**Third Person P.O.V.**

After the Peacekeepers dragged Holden out, he banged on the door.

"Goddamn it! I just wanted to tell Hana that I lost my house keys at Target!" Holden cried.

* * *

**Hana's P.O.V.**

Sadie came in next. She removed the pin from her dress upon arrival.

"Here, take this. They said you can take one item in the arena. Sorry if it isn't yaoi," Sadie explains as she hands me the pin, which has a Mockingjay on it.

"_I wonder how much this will sell for on Ebay_," I think to myself. Sadie then kisses me on the cheek.

"Have fun! Send me lots of pictures!" Sadie yells as the Peacekeepers drag her out. Lesbian much, Sadie?

And, the final person to come and visit me is Whitebeard, Ace's father.

"Uhhh... Hi there. You might not know me, but I know you. I'm Ace's dad, and I run Whitebeard's Bakery. Just... Don't tell my son he's adopted. Also, take these brownies," Whitebeard explains as he hands me a white box of brownies. I give him a funny look. "No, they are not laced with marijuana. Why would I ever do that?"

Two Peacekeepers then grab Whitebeard by the mustache and drag him out of the room. Two more Peacekeepers then escort me to the train that will take me to the Capitol.

The entire time, I am thinking about Mal's "You're waiting for a train" monologue from _Inception_.

* * *

**Ending Note: Review if you want to see Hana and Ace's train ride to the Capitol!**


	3. You're Waiting for a Train

**Author's Note: **This chapter is a bit too short. I will probably post the next chapter later.

**Disclaimer: Nope. I still don't own _The Hunger Games _or One Piece. If I did own those works of fiction, Finnick would live, Ace would live, Akainu would get what he deserves, Johanna wouldn't be tortured in the Capitol, the boy from District 8 in Katniss' first games would live (because I think he's cute), the Supernovas would show up more, fat!Alvida wouldn't show up, and my OCs would be supporting characters.**

* * *

Right now, I'm in my suite in the train. You think I'd be thinking of a plan to win these games, right? Nope, I watched _Inception _and looked up some Arthur x Eames yaoi. I just love their sexual tension in the movie.

By the time all of that is done, it's time for dinner.

"Oh, boy! It's dinnertime!" I say as I sit down. To my disappointment, they serve us McDonald's. "What the hell? McDonald's? We have enough of those back home!"

"Shut up and eat your McNuggets!" Bon Kurei orders. I don't listen to him, because I eat a Big Mac. Ace also doesn't listen to him, because he's asleep and shoving Egg McMuffins in his mouth WHILE ASLEEP. Damn.

After dinner, we get McFlurries and ice cream for dessert, so I guess that's good. We also get to see some other Reapings. Some things I saw included:

- A wolf-like Tribute from District 2. The song _Sexyback _played when he took the stage for some reason.

- A Tribute wearing a panda mask from District 5.

- A Tribute who broke his leg on purpose from District 10 in a pathetic excuse to get out of playing the Games.

- And, lastly, a hipster got Reaped in District 11. He was all, like, "This is too mainstream. Does anybody want to volunteer in my place?" And, so, a pink-haired hipster, who I assume is his girlfriend, volunteered, so they had to pick another Tribute. The new male Tribute wasn't a hipster, but he was dressed as a Musketeer. The hipsters don't surprise me, since District 11 is the Organic Food District.

"So, any boy Tributes suit your fancy?" Bon Kurei asks me in a flirty tone.

"Well... The boy from District 6 would be an excellent uke to his District 3 seme," I explain. Before anybody could react, Thierry stumbles in.

"We're going to Candy Mountain, Charlie!" Thierry slurs before he throws up and passes out. I look to Ace and Bon Kurei, looking for answers.

"Ewww! Get that dirty man away from me!" Bon Kurei screams like a girl. I facepalm and drag Ace and Thierry to Ace's room. I put Thierry - still in his clothes; God forbid, I am not stripping that man down - under a cold shower and I tuck Ace in. Nearly scarred for life, I scurry back to my own room and go to sleep.

That night, I dream of Arthur and Eames' wedding in the Hamptons. Not only was the wedding catered by McDonald's, Thierry puked in the punch bowl and Bon Kurei and Ace made out under an ice sculpture of Aria. Also, I was wearing a dress made of Mockingjay pins.

* * *

The next morning, I shower, get dressed, brush my teeth, and watch three episodes of Junjo Romantica, and that's all before breakfast. And - Yay! Breakfast isn't from McDonald's!

As I wolf down food, Thierry, who is semi-sober, joins myself, Bon Kurei (who is gossiping on his phone), and Ace (who is sleep eating).

"Would you two like to be coached seperately?" Thierry asks us. Ace must be having a nightmare, because he knocks over Thierry's vodka bottle. Just as Ace is trying to pin Thierry down to the table, I throw a knife at Ace, but it hits Thierry's hand by accident.

"Ow! Sweet mother of [Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep]!" Thierry screams.

"I'm sorry," I say innocently. Thierry wraps a napkin around his hand to stop the bleeding.

"Looks like I have a scrapper this year," Thierry says with a nervous laugh. An awkward silence forms. "We'll be in the Capitol soon. I hope you enjoy tacky clothing and drag queens."

Hell yes, drag queens! Maybe there will be tons of yaoi involved!

* * *

**Ending Note: **Can anybody guess who the Tributes from 2 (male and female), 5 (male), and 11 (male and female) were? Brownie points will be awarded for whoever gets any of them right.

**Review if you want to see some crazy costumes for the Chariot ride.**


	4. Of Disney Princesses and Flame Bikinis

**Author's Note: **Told you I'd post another chapter today.

**Disclaimer: I still don't own _The Hunger Games _or One Piece. Support the official releases by reading the books/manga and watching the movies/series.**

* * *

They lied to me. There are no mainstream mentions of yaoi in the Capitol.

Instead, I was taken to my three stylists, Kaoru Kimura, Mina Nishikori, and Boa Marigold, and all they have done is washed, conditioned, plucked, pulled, prodded, poked, and cause bodily harm to me just so I can look nice for the opening ceremonies later tonight. I will sue them later. I hope I can find a good lawyer in this Capitol.

Did I mention that Kaoru and Mina are vampires that dress like it's the Victorian Era? And that Marigold is a large, ugly chick that needs liposuction? At least I didn't get the stupid, sparkly vampires from _Twilight_.

"And... We're done!" Kaoru exclaims as he plucks one last hair off of my face.

"Holy [Bleep] on a [Bleep] sandwich!" I scream out in agony. Mina shushes me.

"Shh... It's all over. You deserve a treat," Mina says soothingly as she pulls out a lollipop.

Okay, I'm only wearing a towel wrapped around me, I'm not at my house in the Dirty, Hungarian Phrasebook, and a vampire just gave me a lollipop. What the hell is going on here?

Oh, yeah, I took my sister's place in a televised free-for-all. I want to go home.

After my prep team leaves for lunch at "this Thai food place everyone's talking about", I suck on my lollipop, which is cherry. What kind of message did Mina send me? Does she want to suck my blood as a beauty treatment next? Will Kaoru turn me into a vampire for ratings for this year's Hunger Games?

As I contemplate these questions and more, my stylist arrives. I hope he'll become my Sassy, Gay Friend.

"Hello, there. You must be Hana. Do you like Disney princesses?"

A man - yes, a man - with long, blonde, princess hair enters. He's got some triangular tattoos over his eyes, and he dresses like a voodoo priest. I don't care, since he would be a PERFECT Disney princess if he were a girl.

"Hell yeah, I do!" I say proudly.

"Copacetic. My name is Basil Hawkins, and I will make pretty clothes for you," Hawkins explains. Okay, one, I seriously think you're related to Sadie. I mean, you both have the last name of "Hawkins". And, two, who says "copacetic" anymore?

This is why I now love this guy.

"You had me at 'copacetic'," I say dreamily. Hawkins rubs his hands together.

"Let's get started! Do you like Baja Fresh?" Hawkins asks me.

"Never had it. District 12 doesn't have it," I say.

"Shut up! You come from the Monty Python District?" Hawkins asks me.

"Of course, I do. So does Portgas D. Ace," I explain. We both grow silent.

"You stupid bitch! I'm so glad I got to style for your District's Tributes!" Hawkins says joyfully. I smile, not sure if "you stupid bitch" is a compliment.

* * *

That evening, Hawkins is now dressing me for the Chariot Ride. Will I be dressed as the Minister of Silly Walks, one of the Knights Who Says "Ni", an Upperclass Twit of the Year, a Dead Parrot, or a member of the Spanish Inquisition?

"Hana, since nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition, we're gonna focus on one of your District's exports - Coal," Hawkins explained. "But, it won't be the coal itself. What helps coal heat homes? Hint: Adele uses it to set FIRE to the rain."

Before I can answer, my prep crew barges in. All three of them are dressed like they're in the Spanish Inquisition.

"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!" Kaoru shouts in a British accent before the three leave. Hawkins and I sweatdrop.

"Ready to see your costume?" Hawkins asks.

"Yep!" I say. Hawkins pulls off my robe, revealing... A leather bikini?

"What the hell?" I cry out.

"Wait until you get out of the Chariot. Kuina is doing something like this to Ace, so you're not alone," Hawkins explains before an alarm goes off. "Oops! It's time to go, you stupid bitch!"

When Hawkins pushes us into the chariot, I can see a sleeping Ace in a leather Speedo.

Hello, yaoi fanfic ideas!

While we wait for District 12 to take the stage, we get to see the other Districts and their costumes. Here's what I saw:

- Since District 1 would encompass Panem's versions of Los Angeles and Las Vegas, the Tributes, an angry red-head and a bitchy-looking woman, are dressed as a film director and somebody going on a night out on the Las Vegas Strip.

- The two Tributes from District 2, the wolf-like guy and a girl who I heard say "That's sexual harassment", are both dressed as Billy Mays, because District 2 is the Billy Mays District.

- District 3's Tributes are dressed as Sheldon Cooper and Joffery Baratheon, because District 3 is the Nerds are Chic District. The Joffery cosplayer is gonna get mobbed tomorrow, I swear.

- District 4's Tributes are wearing desinger clothing, since they come from the Beautiful, Sexy, Rich People District. I bet the media's gonna be all over them like ants on a log.

- Both Tributes from District 5, including the guy in the panda mask (whom I've dubbed "Pandaman"), are dressed in T-shirts that say "I'm not bipolar, I'm bi-winning" and "You're either in Sheen's corner or you're with the trolls", because they are both from the very winning (not) Charlie Sheen District.

- I don't know who District 6's Tributes are dressed as. They come from the Foreign Film District, so that may explain something.

- District 7's Tributes are dressed as Evita and Che from the hit musical _Evita._ They come from the Musical District, where a production of a musical is put on every year a week before the Reaping.

- I like District 8's costumes. Since the Tributes are from the Steampunk District, they're dressed as a steampunk Mad Hatter and a steampunk Amy Pond. Bitchin'.

- As for District 9's costumes... They made me laugh. Why? Both Tributes were dressed as Steve-O and Bam Margera, because they're from the _Jackass _District. That District sounds fun.

- Both Tributes for District 10 are dressed as cows, because it is the District Filled With Cows.

- Surprise, surprise. The Tributes for District 11 are dressed as hipsters. The girl looks right at home, but the boy doesn't.

"Ooh! We're next!" Kuina - Ace's stylist - squees with delight. Hawkins lights a match.

"Ready to set fire to the rain?" Hawkins asks me.

"I guess," I say. Next thing I know, Ace and I are walking up to the stage IN FLAMING SWIMSUITS.

Can this competition get any more on crack? Also, why is Ace awake for this?

Oh, wait, he's sleepwalking. Never mind.

"_And, now, for something completely different. Give it up for District 12, the Monty Python District's, Tributes... Hana Yakushi and Portgas D. Ace!_"

All I can hear is the crowd cheering and _Party Rock Anthem _playing somewhere. Life is beautiful.

After all of the hulabaloo, we go to President Snow's mansion to hear a speech. Nobody gives a chapstick about it, since they're STILL talking about the flaming swimwear Ace and I wore.

After the speech, the Tributes arrive at the Training Center, which is like a hotel for us before we die! Hooray!

* * *

**Ending Note: Review if you want to see Hana train at the Training Center. (LOL. Training Center-ception)**


	5. Voxie the Avox

**Author's Note: **On the count of three, we're all gonna sing. One, two, three... _Voxie the Avox was a jolly, happy soul. With many tattoos and no tongue - _Okay, that was in bad taste. I should stop now.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or _The Hunger Games_. If I owned One Piece, my OCs would show up. If I owned _The Hunger Games, _Finnick would choose to stay with Annie in District 13. Capiche?**

* * *

When I get to my bitchin' room, I immediately take a cold shower to make sure I'm not on fire. It's a lot of work and psuedo-Matrix moves dodging other effects such as scented water and bubbles, but I managed to extinguish the flames from me.

After putting out the fire, I decide to change into a simple T-shirt that says "I 3 Yaoi", some jeans, and sneakers. Thank you, Hawkins! You're my favorite Sassy, Gay Friend.

Speaking of Hawkins, I join him, Ace, Bon Kurei, Thierry, my prep team, and Kuina for some dinner. And...

Fuck yeah! Panda Express is catering our dinner!

Ace sleep-eats, Bon Kurei gossips on his phone, and Thierry is drunk. Everything is seemingly-normal, and nothing hurts, even though I'm probably gonna die in the Hunger Games in a few days. I'm in paradise.

That is, until dessert. Here's what happened:

After a DELICIOUS meal courtesy of Panda Express, we are served a Baked Alaska cake, which our waitress sets on fire. I immediately take note of her blue hair, her tan, and her tattoos.

"Hey, I think I know you! You're Tashigi, right?" I ask the waitress. Bon Kurei bitch-slaps me.

"Do you know who that is?" Bon Kurei asks me as he points to the confused waitress.

"Uhh... Nojiko?" I answer, referring to the name tag that says "Hello, my name is Nojiko" pinned to a strap of her tank top.

"She's an Avox, one of the Capitol's bitches! They cut out her tongue because she did some bad stuff!" Bon Kurei dramatically explains. Hawkins sighs.

"Bon Kurei, Hana didn't know that! She comes from a District that DOESN'T have a Hot Topic!" Hawkins explains.

Come to think of it, I think I DO know this Nojiko girl.

* * *

***Begin Flashback, Several Months Ago***

_It was a sunny, ordinary day back home, and Holden and I decided to hunt._

_"...Then, I told Tashigi, 'iViva la resistance, motherfuckers!' Then, she threw her soda at me and walked away," Holden explains. I laugh._

_"Man, that was some NCAA March Madness party Mayor Hawkins threw," I comment. A blue-haired, tanned girl with tattoos ran up to us._

_"Excuse me, do you know where the District 13 Shopping Mall is?" The girl asks us. Holden and I exchange glances._

_"Didn't it burn down in a kitchen fire during the revolution?" Holden asks the girl._

_"I don't care! I need to get to the mall! I heard there were some awesome Black Friday sales going on there! What do you think I should get - the new iPad or the new Android phone?" The girl asks us. Before we can answer her, two officers who are dressed like they're from Reno 911 drag her away. Holden and I sweatdrop._

_"Should we help her?" Holden asks me. I shrug._

_"Nah. I guess she's been living under a rock all of her life," I say._

***End Flashback, Revert to the Present***

* * *

I should've helped her. Now, she's giving me a death glare. Now, she's pulling out her cell phone. Uh-oh, now she's texting. Crap! Now she's showing everyone what she's saying!

**Do I have to freaking cut a bitch? You DON'T TALK to an Avox like that!**

**XOXO**

**- Nojiko, the Gossip Girl**

All eyes turn to me.

"Hana... Is there something you're not telling us?" Hawkins asks. Kaoru and Mina are visibly holding back laughs. I then turn VERY red.

"I think I caught a fever. I'll be going to bed," I say before I run out of the room faster than Speedy Gonzales. Unfortunately, when I get to my room, Nojiko's there laying out my pajamas.

"Uhh... Hey there, Voxie. Sorry for the scene I caused at dinner. I hope we can still be friends," I say with a nervous laugh. Nojiko then pulls out a notebook, writes something in it, and tears off a sheet of paper. "Uhh... You're dismissed for the night? Have a nice evening?"

Nojiko flips me off and leaves the room. I pick up the note she left behind.

**Yaoi sucks. I like yuri better.**

**XOXO**

**- Nojiko, the Gossip Girl**

Okay, now I'm pissed!

1. All yuri is lust!

2. Yuri is nowhere near as sexy as yaoi!

3. Yaoi will always be better than yuri!

4. Does she sign all of her notes like that? She is not the fucking Gossip Girl!

After I calm down, I order some chocolate chip cookie dough and some ice cream from room service, blast some John Mayer, and read a sexy yaoi fanfic involving the Pokémon Gym Leaders Brawly and Morty.

Sadly, Ms. Bitch Nojiko returns with another scathing text message.

**Turn that shit down! I can hear it from the _Jackass _District's level!**

**XOXO**

**- Nojiko, the Gossip Girl**

I grab the phone from the wall and throw it at Nojiko's head.

"Get out of here! I mean it!" I yell. With a flip of the bird, Nojiko storms off.

I may be getting arrested for pulling a Naomi Campbell on an Avox, but I'm damn proud of it.

* * *

**Ending Note: Review if you don't want Hana to get arrested. Reviews are what keeps her out of prison.**


	6. Bada Bing! Wit' a Pipe!

**Author's Note: **The song Jyabura, Kalifa, Kidd, and Miss Goldenweek sing isn't really a song - It's a text from Texts From Last Night.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, _The Hunger Games, She Bangs _by Ricky Martin (or William Hung), or the text from Texts From Last Night.**

* * *

The next day, my outfit for the day is layed out for me. It's basically the gym uniform the girls wear in Azumanga Daioh. I even have to wear the school swimsuit underneath.

"I wonder what we have planned for today," I say out loud during breakfast.

"You guys are training in the Training Center," Thierry answers as he spikes his coffee with high-caliber Irish liquor.

"I thought we were already in the Training Center," I point out. Thierry narrows his eyes.

"It's Training Center-ception," Thierry says darkly. I could've sworn I just heard the music from _Inception _right now.

* * *

A couple of hours, all of us Tributes are in the Training Center, and we're all in various degress of workout/gym clothing. Ace is asleep, AND shirtless.

Goddamn it, why can't Holden be as muscular as Ace?

"At your age, you're gonna have a lot of urges. You're gonna wanna take your clothes off and touch each other. Don't do that. Because YOU WILL get chlamydia - and die," Our "coach", Spandam, explains. All of us laugh.

"Shut up! It's not funny!" Spandam cries. He fails to get everyone's attention, since we're still laughing. "Alright, everyone take some rubbers."

We all turn to Spandam.

Uhh... If these games were to get any weirder, they got weirder right when Spandam opened his mouth.

So, basically, we train by going to different stations - Camoflauge (where Ace is painting pretty pictures in his sleep), rope-tying, food foraging, the works. I go over to the spear practice station, where Jyabura (the wolf-like Tribute from 2) is practicing using a bow staff.

"_Carry on, my wayward bro  
There'll be beer when you get low  
Lay your neon tank to rest  
Don't you rage no more_," Kalifa - the female Tribute for 2 - sings. Kidd and Miss Valentine's Day, the Tributes for 1, join in to sing as Jyabura beats up crash test dummies.

"_Carry on, my wayward bro  
There'll be beer when you get low  
Lay your neon tank to rest  
Don't you rage no more_," Kalifa, Miss Valentine's Day, and Kidd sing as Jyabura continues to beat the crap out of the crash test dummy. I laugh, getting their attention.

"Can we help you?" Jyabura asks me. Where is he hiding the speaker that is playing _Sexyback _whenever he speaks.

"Uhh... That was a good song?" I say before I run off. I end up at the net-tying station. Wait... Why would anybody outside of District 4 need to go here?

"Hey there."

I look, and I see the hipster Tribute from District 11. I think she was following me.

"Hey," I say before we sit down and tie ropes into knots. Again, how is this useful to a Tribute from a landlocked area?

"My name's Bonney. Jewelry Bonney. What do they call you, Girl on Fire?" Bonney introduces herself to me.

"I'm Hana. Hana Yakushi. I'm from District 12," I explain.

"So... Your costume last night was pretty rad," Bonney says.

"Oh, thanks. I had to take a cold shower after the ride to make sure I wasn't on fire," I explain. Bonney laughs.

"Nice! I sent my Chariot ride costume back home. At least I have a spare pair of my hipster glasses," Bonney explains as she pulls out her hipster glasses. "It's my token. I bought them when I went to my first music festival, Coachella. It was a pretty bitchin' festival. Plus, I think tokens from loved ones are too mainstream."

I nervously laugh.

"So, what's your token? I bet nobody's ever heard of it," Bonney asked me. I pull out my Mockingjay pin and allow Bonney to look at it. "Rad! Where did you get this?"

"Uhh... The local thrift shop?" I lie, not wanting to be the mainstream one. Bonney hands my pin back to me.

"You're awesome. We should become allies," Bonney states. I smile.

"I like that," I say.

* * *

The next day, it's the big one - we show our stuff to the Gamemakers. IN PRIVATE. This is serious business.

Obviously, at this point in the game, I'm too legit to quit.

Thierry is dragging out Ace. Surprise, surprise, Ace is asleep. He's probably gonna be the first one to die when we play the Hunger Games.

"You're next, Hana. Have fun," Thierry tells me. I pop some Tic Tacs.

"Let's get this over with," I mutter as I enter the judging area. For some reason, it's a replica of the American Idol stage.

"So, Hana, what can you do?" The Head Gamemaker, a large shadow lord named "Gecko Moria", asks me.

"I can sing," I say derpily.

"That's nice, sugar," Moria says apathetically.

"_Talk to me  
Tell me your sign  
You're switching sides _-" I sing like William Hung before Moria cuts me off.

"GTFO," Moria tells me. With a huff, I grab the closest weapon - A bow and arrows. I then shoot an arrow at the apple in the mouth of a roasted pig they have. Apparently, one of the Gamemakers - who has a swirly eyebrow - got so scared of my arrow, he jumped back and landed into a punch bowl.

"Hey! Watch it!" The guy with the swirly eyebrows cries. I snap my fingers.

"Deal with it," I say before I walk away. Then, it hits me - I just committed two felonies in twenty-four hours. I threw a phone at an Avox and I shot an arrow at the Gamemakers.

What the hell is going on with me? I went from "humble yaoi fangirl" to "Capitol outlaw" within three days. I should prepare to find the nearest wardrobe and flee somewhere. I heard Japan's nice this time of year.

* * *

**Ending Note: Review and Hana becomes a free woman. If you don't review or flame my fic, our favorite yaoi fangirl goes to prison, where there is no yaoi.**

**Hana: "Oh, dear!"**


	7. How I Met Holden McFantastic Hair

**Author's Note: **In this chapter, we find out how Hana met Holden and we see Nojiko's true side, or something like that.

**Disclaimer: Nope. I still don't own _One Piece _or _The Hunger Games_.**

* * *

I decide to just go straight back to my room. Why? So the cops can't find me.

Oh, wait, they probably know which level a District 12 Tribute would be staying at at the Hyatt Hunger Games Traning Center. Oh, crap.

When I get to my room, Ms. Bitch Nojiko is there. Oh, snap.

"Uhh... Hi, Nojiko. I'm sorry about last night," I say nervously. "Uhh... What's your favorite movie? Mine's _Spirited Away _or _Kiki's Delivery Service_."

We grow silent. Nojiko is already typing up a text. Oh, Dear Lord.

**OMG! I love Hayao Miyazaki! Wanna watch _From Up on Poppy Hill_?**

**XOXO**

**- Nojiko, the Gossip Girl**

I nod.

"Hell yeah! You just made my night!" I say. And, so, we watch _From Up on Poppy Hill _and eat popcorn and candy. After the movie's over, we change into pajamas and watch re-runs of Tough Love. The whole thing would feel like a sleepover if I weren't about to fight in a Battle Royale knock-off in a few days.

"Thank you for the slumber party. You made me completely forget that I will possibly get arrested for throwing a phone at you and shooting an arrow at the Gamemakers," I thank Nojiko. She smiles and texts something.

**LOL! U think ur gonna get arrested for throwing a phone at me? Ur not! That happens to me all the time! I think it's actually legal here in the Captiol to throw things at an Avox.**

**XOXO**

**- Nojiko, the Gossip Girl**

I sigh, thinking of the day Holden and I met Nojiko on her way to Black Friday sales.

"I'm sorry my friend and I didn't rescue you when you were trying to get to that mall," I apologize. Nojiko frowns and types up a new message.

**It's O.K. U see the phone I'm txting on? They gave me this Android when I became an Avox. I guess the odds were in my favor.**

**XOXO**

**- Nojiko, the Gossip Girl**

I sigh. Getting your tongue cut out and being forced to communicate via cell phone text messaging a la Celty Sturlson sounds horrible.

**Can I tuck you in?**

**XOXO**

**- Nojiko, the Gossip Girl**

I smile.

"Sure, why not?" I ask. I'm feeling sleepy, and I want to see if I can meet Holden in a dream within a dream.

* * *

***Begin Flashback, a Couple Years Ago***

_I was setting up some snares to capture some rabbits for dinner. This is how I spent Homecoming weekend, and it's totes legit._

_"Maru kaite chikyuu, maru kaite chikyuu, maru kaite chikyuu. Boku Hetalia," I sing as I set up my snares._

_"You're doing it wrong."_

_I turn back to see... Ooh, Mr. Darcy, ooh!_

_It's not Mr. Darcy, but the guy's still hot. Soft, black-and-blue hair, a piercing stare, skinny jeans... Swoon!_

_"Oh! Actually, I'm new to this," I say. The boy laughs._

_"Don't worry, this is my 27th time," The boy re-assures me as he fixes my trap. "You're Hana, right? Aren't you in my English class at school?"_

_I then realize who I'm talking to - Holden Sarutobi, the school heartthrob. Yes, even in a Hunger Games AU, school heartthrobs exist._

_"Yeah! You have fantastic sex hair!" I say. Whoops! Did I really say "sex hair"?_

_"Indeed, I do. Wanna touch it?" Holden offers._

_"Yes!" I say joyfully._

_"Be careful, I just dyed it this morning," Holden explains. I then have at it, and - OMG! His hair is sooo soft!_

_"I love your hair so much! How do you keep it so... I don't know, sexy?" I ask Holden._

_"I dye parts of it blue every month. I also use a leave-in conditioner," Holden explains. I swoon._

_"Let's be friends. Like, now," I say._

_"Really? Okay, why not?" Holden asks._

_And, that, my friends, is the start of a BEAUTIFUL friendship._

***End Flashback, Revert to the Present***

* * *

I awake the next morning, smelling Holden's hair products and hair dye.

"Holden McFantastic Hair, I miss you," I say dreamily.

* * *

**Ending Note: Review if you want to see the interviews!**


	8. Winter is STILL Coming

**Author's Note: **Here's another chapter, since the last one was too short.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or _The Hunger Games_. Also, for all of you _Game of Thrones _and _Game of Thrones: The Modern Re-Telling _fans, winter is STILL coming to Westeros.**

* * *

"I got an 11?" I cry. At breakfast, I found out I did so good in training, that they gave me an 11. Ace only got an 8 for unknown reasons. Love my life!

"They love you, honey! You're gonna be the next Shirley Temple!" Bon Kurei coos as he pinches my cheeks. Having an okama pinch your cheeks is much more disturbing than it sounds. I feel violated.

"Hana, get ready - Interviews are tonight," Thierry reminds me. "Oh, and winter is still coming to Westeros."

I spit my orange juice out all over Thierry.

I have to do interviews AND winter is STILL coming?

FML.

* * *

Several hours of coaching from Bon Kurei and Thierry later, Hawkins is prepping me for interviews.

"Do I have to dress up?" I whine. I really don't get why we have to dress up for the interviews, and the whole concept of dressing up for the interviews is stupid.

"Just shut up and close your eyes," Hawkins commands. I do so as Hawkins puts on my outfit. "Okay, open your eyes, you stupid bitch."

I open my eyes, and my outfit...

Sucks!

Hawkins dressed me up as Sasuke Uchiha, the world's biggest dobe!

"What the hell? I hate Sasuke!" I cry.

"Would you rather be dressed in something slutty?" Hawkins asks me. I sigh.

"No. That would mean dressing up for the interviews, which I don't get," I explain.

"This is why I love working for District 12," Hawkins says with a smile.

* * *

Hawkins and I watch the interviews with much apathy. We don't care about Kalifa's slutty dress or how much she thinks it's sexual harassment. We don't care how Jyabura projects himself as a prizefighter. We also don't care about Pandaman's real name.

I cheer when Bonney takes the stage. Like usual, she's in hipster clothing, saying that dressing up is too mainstream. Our interviewer, Scratchman Apoo, asks her the usual questions, and Bonney had answers that totally fit for hipsters. Here's how it went -

1. What is your favorite movie? (Tie between _Garden State _and _The Spanish Inn_)

2. Favorite artist/singer? (Arcade Fire)

3. Favorite T.V. show? (Portlandia)

4. Favorite store? (Urban Outfitters, local boutiques, and the local thrift shop)

5. Favorite Director? (Wes Anderson)

6. Where would you like to go on vacation? (Coachella, Lollapalooza, Stagecoach, Glastonbury, Bonnaroo, Wanderlust, and various other music festivals. Oh, and Portland, Willamsburg, Austin, Brooklyn, and Silver Lake)

7. How will you win the Hunger Games? (Hide and run a lot. I'll be like an obscure celebrity you don't know about.)

Bonney, we are awesome friends. Sadly, her fellow Tribute from 11, X. Drake, doesn't impress me that much.

Then, it's my turn. Why is there freeform Cajun jazz music playing?

"Hello, hello, Hana!" Apoo greets me.

"Hello, Apoo," I greet Apoo back.

"So, Hana, what do you think of the Capitol?" Apoo asks me.

"It sucks," I answer truthfully. In reality, it does suck. I haven't been able to sightsee as of yet, and everyone looks like Lady Gaga and every single anime out there adopted desinger babies from Nicki Minaj.

Surprisingly, nobody reacts.

"You don't like the Capitol? Don't you enjoy ANYTHING about it?" Apoo asks me.

"Well, I enjoy the room service. And the sleepovers with Nojiko, my bitch. I'd like to give a shoutout to her, since she's been so good to me during these tough times," I explain.

"Nojiko, huh? She better be watching," Apoo explains. "But, enough about the Capitol - Why the fuck did you volunteer?"

"Aria can't do shit. I was doing her a favor," I explain.

"I see. You better win for her, okay?" Apoo asks me.

"Okey dokey," I say. Then, the interview ends there.

"Aw! We're out of time! Thank you for talking to me, Hana," Apoo thanks me as he hugs me.

"No prob," I say. Then, Ace's interview begins.

"Ace, my man! What's crack-a-lackin'?" Apoo asks Ace as he attempts to perform a secret handshake with him. Ace has a syringe in his arm, and he looks droopy.

"Fine," Ace mumbles. He must be only 25% awake.

"How's life?" Apoo asks Ace, who ponders this for a whole minute.

"I love you, Hana Yakushi!" Ace screams before he jumps on the couch like he's Tom Cruise. He then does a backflip off of the couch. It is then I realize that the substance in the syringe is caffiene.

Okay?

Wait, wait, WAIT a minute - Did Ace just say that he was IN LOVE with me?

Eh. He's probably hyper from the caffiene shot.

"Does it suck that Hana may kill you?" Apoo asks Ace, who shrugs.

"Doesn't matter, I want her babies!" Ace proclaims.

"Wonderful! DJ, cue music!" Apoo says. Then, an alarm goes off.

"Time's up! Go have sex with your future wifey!" Apoo tells Ace. I facepalm.

I hope Ace dies first in the arena.

* * *

Ace - who still is on caffiene shots - gets to our floor before me. When Thierry, Bon Kurei, and I arrive, I immediately push Ace into a vase (hey, that rhymes) and kick him in his balls.

"You barely even know me! Even though we go to the same school and live in the same District, we're as estranged as Tiger Woods and one of his hoes!" I rant before taking the caffiene-filled syringe out of Ace's arm. He then falls asleep like a baby. Thierry crosses his arms.

"Ace was doing you a favor. He could very well save your life in the arena, even if he may be asleep for the Games," Thierry explains. Bon Kurei scoffs.

"Manners!" Bon Kurei says as he points a scolding finger at me. I sigh.

"I'm going to bed. I'll see you guys either from Heaven or from my mansion in the Victor's Village," I say before I retire to my room. Thankfully, Nojiko is there and turning down my pillow for the night.

**Did something happen?**

**XOXO**

**- Nojiko, the Gossip Girl**

I sigh.

"Did you watch the interviews?" I ask. Nojiko nods as she texts.

**Totally! U should hook up w/ Ace!**

**XOXO**

**- Nojiko, the Gossip Girl**

I facepalm.

"Nojiko... I think it's best that you have the night off. I want to be left alone," I explain. Nojiko frowns.

**That sux. I'll... See U around, I guess.**

**XOXO**

**- Nojiko, the Gossip Girl**

"See you," I say before Nojiko leaves. After she closes the door behind her, I lock it and stomp my foot.

"FUCK MY LIFE!" I scream. Ace is in love with me, the Games start tomorrow, and Nojiko wants me to hook up with Ace. Fuck my life, indeed.

* * *

**Ending Note: **Sorry, Hana, Ace can't die because he's playing Peeta.

**Hana: "What the truck?"**

**Me: "Anyway, review if you want to see the Hunger Games begin."**

**Hana: "Also, be sure to read _Game of Thrones: The Modern Re-Telling _if you like Soul Eater, Baccano, Hetalia, _Game of Thrones_, and/or _One Piece: Parallel Works. _I'm in it, Yuki-Rin's in it, Molly's in it, and, ladies... Heathcliffe and his brothers are in it!"**


	9. Let the Games Begin!

**Author's Note: **And, so, let the 69th Hunger Games begin!

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything BUT my OCs.**

* * *

After breakfast the next day, Hawkins takes me to the rooftop, where a nurse on a helicopter's ladder awaits me.

"What's going on?" I ask Hawkins.

"They just want to inject you with the tracker. Be good, and you get a lollipop," Hawkins explains. I close my eyes as the nurse injects the tracker into my arm, which doesn't hurt. "Let's do this."

We climb into the hovercraft and go to the hangar for the arena. They use the hangars once before they make new ones and turn the old ones into tourist attractions. Yes, tourist attractions.

"Ready?" Hawkins asks me as he dresses me in a sailor uniform, a.k.a., THE school uniform if you're in an anime. I don't find this weird, since your outfit in the arena has to look like it came from an RPG and/or fantasy anime. The sailor fuku is no exception.

"As ready as I'll ever be," I say.

"You know, if I could bet, I would bet on you. Oh, wait, I can bet. Never mind, you stupid bitch," Hawkins explains before he kisses my cheeks.

"Thank you, Hawkins," I thank Hawkins.

"Now, come out swining, you stupid bitch," Hawkins says before the glass doors close around me and I'm lifted up into the arena. From my vantage point, I see the following:

- A forest

- A large cornucopia

- A lake

- Ace with a caffiene shot in his arm

Then, I hear Announcer Lafitte's voice counting down.

"_Ten, nine, eight, seven..._"

I look at the Cornucopia, trying to see what I can get. So far, I don't see any bows and -

Holy shit! Is that seriously the gun from Portal?

"_Six, five, four..._"

I'm so grabbing the Portal gun. Screw the bow and arrows.

"_Three..._"

I wonder what Holden's doing right now. He's probably washing his awesome hair.

"_Two..._"

If Aria did go to the Games, would she get the gun from Portal?

"_One... Let the Games begin!_"

As soon as we get the okay to go, I hit the ground running. I think I can hear Flogging Molly's _Drunken Lullabies _playing somewhere, but I'm not sure.

I'm running pretty fast, but a few people already made it to the Cornucopia.

"Move, bitch! The gun from Portal is mine!" I shout as I push several Tributes out of the way. I snag the Portal gun and place it on my arm. I then grab a backpack and run out of the Cornucopia. "Catch me if you can, bitches!"

"I want your gun!" The District 9 boy says before spitting blood all over me and dying. The poor boy got shanked by Kalifa.

"Here's Kalifa!" Kalifa announces. I shoot the gun into the grass and another into the Cornucopia.

"Catch you on the rebound!" I yell as I throw a rock at Kalifa, who falls into the portal. I then run for my life.

I feel badass for doing all of this while wearing a sailor fuku.

* * *

After a long quest for water (which I will spare the details on), I climb up a large tree and make a camp for the night. I open up my backpack, and I find the following:

- Beef jerkey

- Pocky (Hell yeah! Strawberry AND chocolate Pocky!)

- Sunglasses (Why do I need these?)

- A sleeping bag

- More water

- Iodine

- A rope

- Matches

- Nuts

- Fruit Gushers

- Dried fruit

- A Snuggie

I tie myself and my sleeping bag to the tree and tuck myself in. Below me, the District 8 girl is making a fire. Bad call there, missy. Then, I hear the fire get bigger, and the sound of hovercrafts.

Uhh... I think somebody just threw the girl into the fire. Ouch.

As I try to fall asleep, the seal of Panem is projected into the sky, and Lafitte's smooth voice - as smooth as milk - is heard.

"_Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. How's everybody doing? Enjoying the arena? How's the food? It's pretty organic, huh? We would like to take the time to remember those who died today. They fought vailently, but, in the end, they lost. No, Van Auger, they AREN'T sissy wimps who like My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic_."

Twelve images of Tributes are projected into the sky. All but one were killed in the Bloodbath. Did I really kill them when I pushed them out of the way to get the gun from Portal?

I don't pay anymore attention to the little "In Memoriam" thing, since I'm contemplating deeper things. Why was I given Pocky? Why is the show Blind Date cancelled in the Capitol? Is Thierry drunk right now? Where can I buy some Pop Tarts when the Games are over? What's the Gumi Megapoid song _Coward Montblanc _about?

As I'm thinking, the Careers approach the tree I'm staying in.

"No, Jyabura, that's sexual harassment," Kalifa states.

"Come on! Ace can be our wingman when we get home!" Jyabura argues. Wouldn't other Tributes find him if _Sexyback _keeps playing while he speaks?

"Yep! My dad's a fucking awesome wingman!" Ace says in agreement.

Wait a minute...

Was that seriously Ace?

* * *

**Ending Note: Review if you want to know why Ace hooked up with the Careers.**


	10. We Got This We're Hipsters

**Author's Note: **Warning - The next two chapters are too obscure for you. Why? Because Bonney's a hipster, that's why.

**Disclaimer: I only own my OCs.**

* * *

After about an hour of drinking beer and talking about wingmen, Ace and the Careers leave. I swear, Ace can be quite the motor mouth when he's on caffiene. He talks about EVERYTHING - Yacht races, pop art, last night's episode of Gossip Girl, and even tuna salad. I swear, Ace never shuts up (when he's high on caffiene).

With a sigh, I resume thinking about the important things, such as:

- What will happen if I get my time of the month in the arena? Will Thierry or Aria send me tampons if this happens?

- Why do Sour Patch Kids taste so good?

- Why do the male Tributes for 4 and 8 look like Joey Tribbani and Chandler Bing?

- Why is Nagi Sanzen'in from Hayate the Combat Butler so adorable?

- Who is Derpy Hooves and what's her deal?

- Why does Lumpy Space Princess sound more like a gay guy and not like a Lumpy Space Princess?

- Should I get a Snivy or a Tepig as my starter when I get Pokémon Black and White II?

- What high school is this sailor suit supposed to be the uniform for?

- What's Sadie doing right now? Oh, yeah, Sadie's probably doing math homework and calling the Homework Hotline for help.

While I'm thinking about how to write home to my family and friends (*Cough*Holden*Cough*), something is staring at me.

"Holy shit, it's Jyabura or Kalifa or whoever the hell wants me dead!" I scream. The person staring at me crawls up to me and...

Oh, it's just Bonney.

"Hey," Bonney says as she gives me the peace sign. "Told you I was going to hide like an obscure celebrity you don't know about."

"That's right! I forgot we were allies!" I say. Bonney laughs.

"Look at us - We're just two hipsters out on a camping trip," Bonney says innocently. I then hear screaming, swearing, coconuts being banged together, and what sounds like one of the songs from _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_.

"Ouch. I think the guy from District 8 just died," I said.

"What was that noise? It sounded like coconuts and people moving about," Bonney asked. We grow silent.

"Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?" I ask Bonney, and we laugh. We spend the rest of the night quoting Monty Python and Portlandia, because we're hip like that.

* * *

The next morning, Bonney and I wake up and eat our breakfast of dried fruit.

"Are these fruits organic?" I ask Bonney.

"Of course, they are. They're from the Organic Food District," Bonney deadpans. "So are the night vision goggles."

"What night vision goggles?" I ask.

"The ones that look like sunglasses that are in your bag. Back home, the fruit pickers use them to pick fruit well into the night. Also, a funny thing happened with those goggles back home," Bonney explains.

"What happened?" I ask.

"Well, one night, my hipster friends got bored. So, they decided to play some NERF gun tag in the dark, and they needed those night vision goggles to do that. So, they stole them from the organic dairy farm they volunteer at every month. Well, stealing night vision goggles is a big no-no in my District. Want to know what happened to them?" Bonney explains. I nod.

"Sure. This is quite the interesting story," I say. Bonney looks around to make sure we're not in danger.

"Well... The Peacekeepers locked them in the movie theater and made them watch _The Notebook_," Bonney explains. I laugh really hard.

"God, I hate that movie! It's so cheesy!" I cry.

"I do, too. It's too mainstream with girls and women my age. Plus, _Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist _was a better love story," Bonney explains. I then hear buzzing.

"What's that noise?" I ask Bonney.

"Oh, that? We're sitting on a branch that has a wasps' nest hanging from it. You might want to be careful if you're allergic to bees," Bonney explains.

"I'm not. I'm just going to try and get off this tree safely," I explain as I begin to crawl to the end of the branch.

"Have fun. Wanna blow up the Careers' stuff later?" Bonney asks me.

"Sure, we'll have a -" I say before the branch breaks and I fall down with the wasps' nest.

"Hana! If you die, can I have your thrift store token?" Bonney calls out to me. Thankfully, I land on the ground, unharmed.

"Hey, there, little lady," Jyabura says seductively as he, Kalifa, Miss Valentine's Day, and Kidd walk up to me, all while _Sexyback _is playing. I then remember the wasps.

"Think fast!" I shout as I throw the nest at the Careers and run away. I watch from behind a tree as the four, poor, unfortunate souls get stung repeatedly.

"I'm allergic! I'm allergic! I'm -" Miss Valentine's Day shouts before her throat swells and she dies to anaphylactic shock.

Umm... Oops. I wasn't supposed to kill anybody in this. I was going to hide out with Bonney and hoard food. Together, we would've been hipster hoarders.

Or not. After all, this IS a fight to the death we're talking.

* * *

**Ending Note: Review if you want to see more hipster fun in this chapter.**


	11. We Don't Got This Our Bad

**Author's Note: **If you don't cry (or cry from laughing) during this chapter and you are a Bonney fan, then please eat something spicy, then cry. I reccomend Doritos.

**Disclaimer: I still only own my OCs.**

* * *

That afternoon, I meet up with Bonney near the Cornucopia, where the Careers are hoarding their food.

"Are you sure they haven't rigged this place with explosives?" I ask Bonney, who scoffs.

"We got this. We're hipsters, so we should be fine," Bonney explains. Just as we're about to move from behind the bush, Pandaman runs up to the Cornucopia. He stands there for a minute before doing a ninja roll up to the food. He steals some apples, meat, and water and runs away like nothing happened.

"Woah... Is Pandaman part ninja?" I ask myself. Bonney hits the back of my head.

"Didn't you hear me? I said that I would make a sucession of signal fires so the Careers would run all over the place, get confused, go bonkers, and lose the Game," Bonney explains. Is it me, or did I just lose The Game?

"Sounds like a plan," I say. Bonney gets up.

"I'll be near the Career's camp if you need me. If I get into trouble, I'll scream loudly as I can before you find me," Bonney explains before kissing me on the forehead. "We are the greatest alliance that's not mainstream."

I smile as Bonney runs off. I'm so glad to have a hipster friend.

Since I somehow still don't have a bow an arrow, I throw a rock at the food pile. It causes an apple to fall to the ground, which causes an explosion, which blows up the food.

So this is why Pandaman acted like a ninja.

Just as I get up, Jyabura, Kidd, and Kalifa run over and notice the burnt food.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU -" Jyabura screams as he punches the face of the District 3 boy - the Joffery Baratheon cosplayer -, who was walking by and drinking some lemonade. The punch is somehow strong enough to kill the boy. I sweatdrop at the whole thing.

"_I swear. Somebody was on crack when they Reaped these Tributes_," I think to myself. Then, I smell smoke.

"Cool! A brush fire!" Jyabura exclaims before running off and panting like a dog waiting for Beggin' Strips. Kalifa and Kidd run after him. When the coast is clear, I take all the food and supplies that haven't been burned and I put them all in my backpack.

"Suck it, Careers," I say as I zip up my Hammerspace backpack. But, the joy doesn't last for long.

"Hana! Help me! It feels like I'm trapped in some weird type of S&M foreplay rope!" Bonney yells. My hipster senses are tingling, and I run off to where the source of the voice is. Bonney is there, tangled up in a net. Also there is Kidd, and - Oh, shit. Why does he have that plastic knife covered in ketchup? What's he -

Oh, Dear Yaoi Lord! He stabbed Bonney with that plastic knife that's as harmless as a DVD of the movie _Nine_!

"Oh, my God! You killed Bonney! You bastard!" I yell before I pull out my handy-dandy Portal gun and vaporize Kidd.

Bitch, nobody kills my hipster friends and gets away with it.

With a sigh, I cut Bonney free from the rope.

"You've gotta win this. I mean, Kidd shanked me to death, so I have no chance of winning," Bonney explains.

"Duh! I'll win! I'm the main character! I got this!" I say.

"Oh, before I die, sing me an indie/alternative song. I'd like to go out as a hipster, not as a poser," Bonney explains. I take her hipster glasses, hipster scarf, and hipster fedora out of her bag and put them on Bonney. I then put a cigarette in between Bonney's fingers as I contemplate what song to sing.

"I've got it!" I say as I snap my fingers. I clear my throat, and I expect a fucking standing ovation.

I sang the song that gets on everybody's nerves.

* * *

**Third Person P.O.V.**

Over in District 11, the Organic Food District, many hipsters watched in shock and agony as Bonney died.

"Why must the good die young?" An aging hipster - who still drank his PBR at the obscure age of 74 - cried.

"That was my girlfriend, you bastard!" The man who Bonney volunteered for, Trafalgar Law, cried. Then, Hana began to sing.

"Oh, for the love of the Vintage God! What is this crap?" A coffee shop barista cried. Law balled his fists up in anger.

"This song... IT'S TOO MAINSTREAM!" Law cried before he punched a Peacekeeper. That night, the hipsters of District 11 rioted in anger over the death of one of their fellow hipsters. Nobody was safe from the wrath of an angry hipster.

* * *

**Hana's P.O.V.**

I'm still crying as they take Bonney's body away. I don't care if I managed to get some more supplies from her pack, I lost an awesome friend.

"Good-bye, Bonney! You were my best friend that isn't Holden!" I yell. I then cry even harder because I miss Holden. God, I wish he'd come over here to give me a hug (or a make-out session).

If not, I wish Thierry would send me ice cream and tons of Hetalia yaoi fanfiction.

* * *

**Ending Note: Review if you want a parody of the cave scene between Katniss and Peeta!**

**Ghost of Bonney: "Ooh-La-La!"**

**Me: "Bonney, please get back to the set of _The DysFUNctional Pirates_.**


	12. Magic Conch Shell, Can I go Home?

**Author's Note: **Bad news, good news time. The bad news is that the Hunger Games are almost over. The good news is that I will parody _Catching Fire_ in this fic AND that next week is my last week of school before summer break, which means more updates.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or _The Hunger Games_. If I owned One Piece, Kuma wouldn't seperate the Straw Hats. If I owned _Hunger Games_, it would be a happier story.**

* * *

If my life could be any Hetalia strip right now, it would probably have to be "Running Away With Su-San".

If any theme song should be playing right now, it should be _Mamma Mia _by ABBA.

Why am I asking myself these questions?

Because it's nighttime and I'm now wandering the arena aimlessly because I miss my best friend. The fact I am holding a lantern I stole from her pack after she died doesn't help.

I don't want to look up when Lafitte does the tribute to the people who died today, but I do. Among those who are shown are Miss Goldenweek, Kidd, and Bonney, today's major losses. With all of those people gone, the field is narrowed down to myself, Ace, Jyabura, Kalifa, X. Drake, and Pandaman. Eighteen down, six to go.

"_Attention, Tributes! We have made a change to the rules of the Hunger Games. For the first time since the Hunger Games began 69 years ago, two Tributes can win and come home alive and happy! Isn't that nice? How would you like to go home with your best friend, your distant cousin from another District, your lover, or even some creeper you barely even know? There is no catch to this. Seriously, this is totes legit. I'm not making this up. I mean, we change the rules of the game every year to add a little spice. It's not like the 43rd Hunger Games where we made everyone do a Pokémon Nuzlocke challenge where the Pokémon died instead of the Tributes. Those poor, poor Tributes. I wonder how Portgas D. Rouge's Wimsicott is doing in Pokémon Heaven right now. It's probably enjoying a few daquiris on the beach with Hililuk's Glalie._"

We have Pokémon in Panem?

Woah, woah, woah. Bonney and I could've used that! We could've won and come home alive and be rich hipsters for the rest of our lives! This is bullshit! This yaoi fan is PISSED OFF!

Everything about the Hunger Games can go to Hell. Especially the guy who made the games 69 years ago, the guy who made Narnia into Panem, Kidd (for killing Bonney), Lafitte, President Snow, Gol D. Roger (for dying and making us have the Hunger Games), the Gamemakers, and the Careers.

Out of anger, I actually find myself stomping instead of walking. And, I hear somebody groaning in pain. I look around for the voice, and then I look down...

I stepped on Ace's face.

Oops.

I slowly take my foot off of Ace. He now has a nice footprint on his face.

And, he's asleep.

I take out my handy-dandy Portal gun so I can vaporize Ace. But, I then realized something -

"Eh. Ace should be my fellow Victor. At least I know him," I say before I drag him to a nearby cave. The entrance is covered with vines, so we'll be safe. "Ace, come on, wake up."

Ace snores in response.

"Well, that didn't work," I say to myself. Ace snores, again.

"Look, you're gonna have to put the gun down. We can talk," Ace says in his sleep. I nervously shove my Portal gun in my backpack. I hug my knees to my chest, wishing for a way out.

"_Hello again, Tributes!_"

"Shut up!" I yell to the voice of Lafitte.

"_I've been watching all of you like a Bed Intruder, and I've come to this conclusion - Every single Tribute needs a certain mystery item. It can be anything - A pen so you can write home, your blankie so you can stay warm, or even pot brownies for the desperate ones. All you have to do is go to the Cornucopia tomorrow. Unless you're Portgas D. Ace, who's probably asleep in a ditch right now_."

I nervously laugh.

"Suckers," I say to myself.

* * *

The next day, I awake to a whole breakfast buffet sitting in front of me. When I say "buffet", I mean it. There's everything - Waffles, pancakes, French toast, donuts, bagels, eggs, sugary cereal, muffins, Danishes, elephant ears, donkey tails, bear claws, biscuits, croissants, orange juice, milk, fruit, toast, bacon strips, bacon strips, bacon strips, bacon strips, bacon strips, and bacon strips.

I can't wait to get a mouthful of THIS breakfast.

Before I dig in, I notice a conch shell on the table. Under it is a note, which says the following:

**Dear Hana,**

**Yes, I am sober. Screwdrivers and mimosas are totally breakfast drinks.**

**Anyway, I saw that you were getting tired of roughwoods vegan food because it reminded you of your dead best friend. I hope you love all of the food I sent over. Eat like it's Toriko, okay, sweetheart?**

**Also, I sent over a Magic Conch Shell, since you seem to have a ton of things on your mind today. I would've sent you a Sassy, Gay Friend, but he wasn't avaliable. Use that Magic Conch Shell to answer all of your important questions in the arena.**

**- Thierry**

**P.S. Is this my house?**

Okay, that postscript confirms that Thierry was drunk when he wrote it.

I study the Magic Conch Shell, and then I realize that I'm supposed to pull the string for it to talk to me.

"Magic Conch Shell, will I win the Hunger Games?" I ask as I pull the string.

"Hell no, bitch. You're a kid from the Dirty, Hungarian Phrasebook. You have no chance of winning," The Magic Conch Shell explains. I sigh.

"Well, then... Will Ace win the Hunger Games?" I ask the Magic Conch Shell as I pull the string.

"Him? He has a HIGHER chance of winning than you, sweetheart," The Magic Conch Shell explains. I facepalm.

"Okay, you stupid, talking shell, WILL I AT LEAST DIE SANE?" I ask the Magic Conch Shell. After a long moment of silence, she speaks.

"Damn, bitch, take a chill pill," The Magic Conch Shell calmly tells me. I throw the Magic Conch Shell out of the cave.

"Begone!" I yell. A trumpet sounds, and Lafitte speaks.

"_Attention, Tributes, it's time to go to the Cornucopia to get your things! Because we don't care if you die or not there! Have fun!_"

I grab some donuts and munch on them as I run to the Cornucopia.

* * *

When I get to the Cornucopia, nobody is there.

"Huh. They probably chickened out," I say as I grab my District 12 backpack and walk calmly away. "That was too easy."

I take back the last statement, since Kalifa now has me pinned to the ground.

"Hey! This is lesbian sexual harassment!" I yell. I don't think I did justice to any viewers back home, but if I get gifts sent to me after this, I'll have to kill Ace so Kalifa and I can pretend to be lesbian for each other.

Instead, Kalifa bitch-slaps me.

"That's sexual harassment," Kalifa states.

"Well, maybe if you didn't wear slutty dresses with fishnets all the time, then maybe people would sexually harass you less," I point out. Kalifa bitch-slaps me again.

"Okay, that's it! You're going to die like that hipster right here and now!" Kalifa shouts before a large, purple rock hits her in the head and she falls to the ground dead. As I get up, I realize that the large, purple rock was the Magic Conch Shell.

"So cold... So very cold..." The Magic Conch Shell weakly says before it dies. I sweatdrop.

"Okay, who threw that?" I ask out loud.

"I did."

X. Drake approaches me. He's holding a shotgun and a giant axe, he has aerosol cans of pepper spray strapped to a leather belt, a tazer and a handgun are in holsters looped to the belt, a katana is at his side, both legs have pockets filled with kunai, there are knives in his boots, there's a grenade in his hat, a Buster Sword is strapped to his back, and he - from the looks of it - can shoot lasers from his eyes.

Is he prepared for the zombie apocalypse or what?

"Uhh... I knew Bonney. We were the best hipster friends ever," I say nervously. "Uhh... What's your favorite coffee brand?"

X. Drake walks over to me and puts his hand on my shoulder.

"You better get the fuck out of here, man! Winter is coming!" X. Drake tells me.

"What are you talking about?" I ask X. Drake. Then, Jyabura jumps from a tree.

"Geronimo!" Jyabura shouts as he falls. When Jyabura hits the ground and _Sexyback _starts playing, I run back to my cave.

* * *

**Ending Note: If you review, Ace and Hana win the Hunger Games. If you don't review, Canada from Hetalia wins because he was standing at the Cornucopia all along and nobody noticed - Wait, who's Canada?**


	13. Attack of the Rabid Jigglypuffs!

**Author's Note: **Why is this fanfic so fun to write? I don't know, but we're going to release some wild Pokémon all up in the Hunger Games arena right now. Get your Pokéballs out, my readers!

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or _The Hunger Games._ I just own the merchandise to those books.**

* * *

As soon as I get back to my cave, Ace, and all of the food Thierry sent me, I open my pack and pull out a syringe that says the following:

**Caffiene Syringe: Extra Strong, Starbucks Breakfast Blend Roast flavor. Keep out of reach of children, the elderly, pets, criminals, alcoholics, pregnant women, druggies, the construction workers, limousine drivers, struggling actors, screenwriters, bored housewives, llamas named Carl, bored socialites, arsonists, Charlie Sheen, and anime fangirls. May cause hyperactivity, diabetes, cavities, superhuman strength, short-term memory loss, insanity, the urge to watch _Toy Story 3_, PMS, and, in very rare cases, death. Do not drive or operate heavy machinery while under the influence of this caffiene syringe. Do not take with alcohol, marijuana, perscription drugs, or crack cocaine. Do not use near an open flame. Twitching, restlessness, and passing out are common and obtaining concussions is rare among people who take this caffiene syringe. If an overdose of this substance occurs, please call an ambulance, then order a pizza to eat while you wait for your ambulance.**

With no hesitation, I jam the needle into Ace's arm, and he wakes up.

"HOLY SHIT!" Ace shouts as he awakens. I put duct tape over Ace's mouth.

"Ace, be quiet! The others can hear us!" I yell. That didn't work, since Pandaman just walked in with a gun. I sweatdrop. "Uhh... Hi there. Just ignore us and carry on. We don't want to hurt you."

Pandaman completely ignores my little breakfast buffet. Instead, he grabs a bag of food from Carl's Jr.

"Thanks for the food," Pandaman says before he leaves the cave. Ace tears the tape off of his mouth.

"Hey, Hana, Thierry got us food from Carl's Jr. Bitchin', huh?" Ace explains. Apparently, this was while I was out, since I don't remember any food from Carl's Jr.

"I don't remember any of this food," I remark. Might I add that this is the first meaningful conversation I had with Ace?

"You'll remember it," Ace comments. As if on cue, Pandaman collapses and dies.

"Was that... Tainted food?" I ask. A note on a parachute floats down, and it says the following -

**Don't eat the food I sent you from Carl's Jr. The Carl's Jr. where I bought the food from just closed down a few minutes ago because it was an E. Coli, Salomenella, and Botulism hotbed. Please throw away all food from Carl's Jr., and I will send you new food from McDonald's.**

**- Kuina**

"Uhh... Okay, then." Is all I can say. Ace sighs.

"Damn it. I wanted to eat that hamburger," Ace whines.

* * *

We spend most of the day and night sitting outside and waiting for Kuina's food.

"This is boring. I wanna go back to sleep," Ace states.

"We can't. Aren't you hungry?" I ask Ace as the seal of Panem is projected into the sky. This can only mean one thing.

"_Hi, everybody!_"

"Hi, Dr. Nick!" Ace and I say in response.

"_So, today was a calm, peaceful, serene day where nothing happend. Oh, and three of our Tributes died today. So, it's about that time where I take time out of whatever you were doing so you can remember a friend. Remember, that Tribute who tried to shank you in the Cornucopia or eviscerate you in the night wasn't your enemy, he was your buddy._"

Okay, that made me feel like I was in a hilarious Will Ferrell movie.

Aside from that, only three Tributes' images are projected into the sky - Kalifa, Pandaman, and X. Drake.

Wait... X. Drake died?

"Wait... X. Drake died?" I cry out.

"Who?" Ace asks me.

"Oh, he saved my life from a psycho lesbian. You wouldn't know him," I say. "_Okay, Hana, remember the rule of thumb - Pics or it didn't happen. Since I didn't see the pictures of X. Drake's murder, it didn't happen_."

* * *

**X. Drake's P.O.V.**

So, Jyabura and I got into a fight over Diablo III which ended with him strangling me and leaving me to die while he "went to go look for a bacon cheeseburger".

But, in reality, I got better. I just woke up in the Tributes' morgue.

With a shrug, I put all of my many weapons on the coroner's table and look for a way out of here.

"So, did you catch last night's episode of Game of Thrones?"

"Yep. I love it when Tyrion imp-slaps Joffery. He deserves it."

I duck into a nearby closet to hide, and I put a barrel of medical waste in front of the door so the two coroners can't open it. Then, something hits me, and it's something that changes my life forever.

"Is it wrong to think that Danereys is hot?"

"I don't see a problem with that."

"In the books, it says that she's FOURTEEN. Loving her makes it pedophilia."

"It's a fictional character, man!"

With a sigh, I walk to the back of the closet. It seems endless, until I see a light.

"_Remember, you're leaving Panem, which is the remains of Narnia. This is why you can go to different worlds through wardrobes_," I thought to myself as I stepped into the light.

To my relief, I ended up on a very busy city street at night.

"Where am I?" I wonder to myself out loud.

"Hong Kong," A brown-haired, slightly tanned, Chinese boy answers. I shrug. (1)

"Fair enough," I say. "I'm never going back to Narnia again."

* * *

**Hana's P.O.V.**

Ace and I got bored waiting for Kuina's parachute, so we decided to go to the Cornucopia to see if it was there.

"Well, it's just you, me, and Jyabura. Now what do we do?" Ace asks me. Honestly, I have no clue. So, I just sigh, because sighing is totally a good conversation filler. "What's wrong? You seem sad?"

"I wanna go home," I say in all honesty. "I miss my house, I miss my mom, I miss Aria, I miss the Dirty, Hungarian Phrasebook, I miss Sadie, I miss all of the Monty Python jokes, I miss school - believe it or not -, I miss Target, I miss Granny Tsuru, I miss Peacekeeper Kohza, I miss Peacekeeper Galdino, I miss Alvida, I miss Blueno, I miss Kaku, I miss Apis, I miss my Hetalia, Ouran, Vampire Knight, D. Gray-man, Katekyo Hitman Reborn, Kuroshitsuji, Junjo Romantica, and Fruits Basket DVDs... And, most of all, I miss my yaoi AND I miss Holden!" (2)

I break down crying and lie down on the grass on my stomach.

"Hana, chillax. We're going home when we kill Jyabura," Ace says in an attempt to calm me down. I look up to the starry sky, where a shooting star streaks across.

"Holden, I want to see you again, you sexy beast! Let me win so I can go home, make out with you, get married to you, and have beautiful, yaoi-loving babies with you!" I sob. Ace begins dragging me. "Hey! Watch the sailor suit!"

"Do you want to go home or not?" Ace asks me I get up from the ground and straighten up my sailor fuku. "Atta girl. Your mother would be so proud of you."

Then, the ground beneath us begins to shake.

"What's going on? Do the Gamemakers want to kill us?" I cry. Ace screams as he points to a crowd of pink, with Jyabura leading them.

"Run! It's an army of Kirbys!" Ace screams. "Oh, and Jyabura!"

We run to the only place we want to go to, the Cornucopia. We use the broken crates from last night's explosions to climb up. It's only when we get up to the top of the Cornucopia do we realize something's a bit odd.

"Are those... Jigglypuffs?" I cry as I point to the pink, round, and fluffy Pokémon attacking Jyabura. Ace sweatdrops.

"Looks like it," Ace comments. I decide to sit down and watch Jyabura get owned by weak Pokémon. Before I know it, I'm laughing from the ridiculousness of it all.

"Why am I laughing? Why am I laughing?" I cry, holding back laughter.

"I think it's because a strong Career Tribute is getting owned by cute Pokémon," Ace says as he eats some popcorn.

"Where did you get that?" I ask Ace.

"Some girl named Aria sent it," Ace explains. I shrug.

"You can eat it. I've got an entire buffet back in the cave," I say.

* * *

The Jigglypuffs attack Jyabura well into the morning. Ace and I are starting to get bored.

"Can we watch something else? I'm tired of watching Jyabura being Pounded and Doubleslapped," Ace asks me. I pull out my Portal gun.

"Your wish is my command," I say before I vaporize Jyabura and the Jigglypuffs. _Sexyback_ plays no more, for Jyabura is now dead.

* * *

**(1) **- Readers of _One Piece: Parallel Works_ will know who the Chinese boy is. For the non-readers, I'll just tell you who it is - It's Enlai Li, the merchant to the Capricorn Pirates.

**(2)** - Alvida, Kaku, Blueno, Apis, Kohza, and Galdino/Mr. 3 will all show up in the _Catching Fire_ section of the parody. They will all play important roles in the story and whatnot.

**Review and Ace and Hana win the Hunger Games. If you don't review, I will send out the rabid Jigglypuffs.**


	14. I Told You to Eat at Chipotle!

**Author's Note: **If this chapter doesn't make you feel happy by the end of this chapter, go eat some cookies.

**Disclaimer: I still only own the Capricorns.**

* * *

With that cutesy debacle over, Ace and I are the only ones left.

"Well, Ace, we've won," I say as we climb down from the Cornucopia.

"Life is good," Ace says dreamily. But, the Games aren't over yet.

"_Hello, friends._"

I look to Ace, and Ace looks to me in shock.

"We were friends?" Ace and I cry out.

"_I'm sorry, but we have to change the rules. Only one Tribute can go home now. Have a nice day._"

Ace and I grow silent.

"Do you..." Ace asks before I cut him off.

"No, we'll survive. We'll give a big 'firetruck you' to the Gamemakers," I explain. We grow silent again.

"I'm gonna go... Shuck some corn," Ace says.

"And I'm gonna go... Wish to go back onto Yaoi Haven Dot Com," I say as before we part ways.

* * *

After some time walking, I decide to do the most humane thing a desperate Tribute would do in this situation - Vaporize Ace to high heaven. Luckily, I find him standing at the lake.

"Ace?" I say as I hastily hide my Portal gun behind my back. Ace turns back to me, and he has barbecue sauce all over his face. "What are you eating?"

"A McRib from McDonald's. Sister Thatch sent it over. Want some?" Ace asks me. I sit down and I dig into a Quarter Pounder. For a few minutes, it's pure silence. That is, until I think of a plan. "I know how we can both go home alive."

"How? Lafitte announced that the Gamemakers changed the rules. It's over for us," Ace explains. I hold up my Portal gun.

"You shoot me, and I shoot you," I say as I get up from the ground and put myself into a nice shooting stance.

"Fair enough," Ace says as he pulls out a picture of a poorly-drawn gun. Under the crappy drawing, somebody wrote "Ace's bang-bang" in crayon. "Should I shoot first, or -"

"I'll do it," I say. But, right when I aim for Ace, he falls to the ground. "What in the name of Sam Hill?"

"_Woah, woah, woah! Stop the press, stop the trains, stop all foot traffic in Tokyo! Kuina told you not to eat the food from Carl's Jr.!_"

"That was you?" I innocently ask Lafitte before I pop a French fry into my mouth. The arena grows so silent, you could hear Lafitte facepalming.

"_Okay, you win. Hana Yakushi and Portgas D. Ace have won the 74th Hunger Games!_"

The next thing I know, I'm being lifted into an awaiting helicopter.

"Smile for the camera, sweetheart!" The pilot says before she takes my picture.

"Where can I buy that photo?" I ask. But, I realize something horrible. "Oh, no! We've gotta go back for Ace!"

"Honey, we can't go back. We have to make you all better for when you go home," The pilot explains to me in a soothing voice. It fails, since I begin kicking the doors of the helicopter.

"Let me out! I need to know if Ace passed out because of the food from McDonald's or from his caffiene shots!" I cry. The co-pilot then jabs a syringe into my arm.

"Shh... Shh... Go to sleep, sweetie, and maybe you'll end up in Limbo like Cobb and Mal," The co-pilot says soothingly to me before I fall to the floor of the helicopter and pass out.

* * *

When I awake, I'm in a hospital room. _Non, je ne Regrette Nien_ isn't playing, and - Thank God, Nojiko is standing over my bed!

"Nojiko, where am I?" I weakly ask my favorite Avox, who makes a text message in reply.

**You're at Yaoi Con. Of course, you're in a hospital.**

**- XOXO**

**Nojiko, the Gossip Girl**

Damn it! For five seconds, I truly thought I was at Yaoi Con!

I begin to cry hard.

"I wanna go to Yaoi Con!" I sob before I pass out again.

* * *

A couple days of eating and sleeping later, I am released from the hospital. As I put on the plain, gray shirt and black jeans Nojiko gave me, I notice something peculiar - I am now apparently clean and healed of my injuries.

"Huh," I comment as I look over myself in the mirror. Nojiko tosses me a pair of white-and-blue, striped Toms shoes to put on.

**Kaoru, Mina, and Marigold fixed u up while u were passed out. I hope u don't mind... Or feel too violated.**

**- XOXO**

Nojiko, the Gossip Girl

I shudder.

"Yes, I do feel violated. Thank you, Nojiko," I say before I leave the hospital. I can't say if I had a pleasant stay there, but they did have good meatloaf.

A few minutes later, I arrive at Hawkins' studio, where he will dress me for the interviews.

"Hello, Hawkins! I'm back, bitch!" I shout as I enter the empty studio. "Hello, Hawkins? It's me, Hana. Remember me? I'm that stupid bitch you like so much."

Hawkins then comes out of a closet.

"What, what, WHAT are you doing?" Hawkins shouts happily. I run up to my stylist/Sassy, Gay Friend and give him a hug.

"I missed you so much! I'm so glad that I'm going home to my mom, my sister, my boy-toy, and my yaoi!" I tell Hawkins. Hawkins steps back to look over my outfit.

"Well, you stupid bitch, you're good to go for the interview! Come out swining!" Hawkins says before we grab each others' hands.

"Let's do this!" I yell triumphantly. "Aria, mom, Granny Tsuru, Dirty, Hungarian Phrasebook, Monty Python District, Holden, and all of my yaoi, here I come!"

* * *

**Ending Note: Review if you want to see Hana come back to District 12!**


	15. Home at Last For Now

**Author's Note: **And, so, the Hunger Games are over! The first part of the _Catching Fire_ part of the story will be up soon!

**Disclaimer: I only own Hana, Aria, Kaoru, Mina, and Thierry.**

* * *

Our interviews with Scratchman Apoo go smoothly. He asks us the usual stuff, such as how sad we felt when our friends in the arena died, how much we missed home, and why we didn't crack any Monty Python jokes in the arena. Yes, I felt sad when Bonney died. Yes, I missed home. No, I didn't crack any Monty Python jokes because I was too busy.

After the interview, we watch an hour-long recap of the Hunger Games. It's not much, since it's mainly either about how Ace and I became Victors, the Careers derping around, and/or random comments Moria and Lafitte made because they got bored. There's also a blooper reel at the end, which made everyone laugh, since nobody died or got seriously injured in the bloopers.

At the end of all this, a guy wearing a hat with a seagull on it - who I think is President Snow, IDK - gives Ace and I those crowns from Burger King to put on our heads. We also get sashes that say "Miss Universe 1974" and "Class President", DVDs of this year's Hunger Games, $10,000 each, $100 gift cards to iTunes, $250 gift cards to American Eagle Outfitters, Nintendo DSis, new Mac laptops, Omaha steaks, flat-screen T.V.s, a premium subscription to Hulu for a year, and jewel-encrusted pimp sceptors.

Damn, we're living like pimps now!

After all of that, I say my good-byes to all the wonderful people I met in the Capitol.

"Bye, Apoo! See you next year when I become a Hunger Games mentor!" I say to Apoo.

"Hey, go on iTunes, and download my Victory Tour playlist. It's got everything from Lady Gaga to Green Day to Hatsune Miku. You'll need it for your Tour," Apoo explains. I turn to my prep team.

"Bye, Kaoru! Bye, Mina! Bye, Marigold!" I say to the two vampires and that other woman.

"Take care! We'll see you in a few months for the Victory Tour!" Mina says.

"Remember that nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!" Kaoru reminds me.

"Bye, Nojiko! Text me whenever!" I say to my favorite Avox.

**I will. Just remember that standard text messaging rates apply.**

**- XOXO**

**Nojiko, the Gossip Girl**

"Will do! See you next year!" I say to Nojiko before I run up to Hawkins and glomp him. "Good-bye, Hawkins! I'm really going to miss you! You're the best Sassy, Gay Friend ever!"

"Don't worry, Hana, I'll see you again on the Victory Tour. You have my number, so we can chat whenever you want," Hawkins explains before he lets go of me. "It's time for you to go home. I'll see you soon, you stupid bitch!"

Hawkins turns to whisper to Apoo. I think he told him, "She's a stupid bitch."

* * *

That night, I'm on the train home to my beloved Monty Python District. To pass the time, I watch Hetalia in my room. I'm on the episode that covered the third part of "Boss Spain and Chibi Romano", when Ace knocks on the door.

Damnit! I wanted to watch Hetalia.

"Can we talk outside? Thierry's a bit too drunk to talk to," Ace asks as he drags Thierry in.

"You guys should have sex together! Teeheehee!" Thierry drunkenly laughs like a Japanese schoolgirl. I pause my DVD and walk with Ace to the outside compartment of the train.

"Look, when we move into the Victor's Village, do you want to be my neighbor?" Ace asks me.

"We're not moving to the Victor's Village," I state.

"What are you talking about?" Ace asks before he grabs a thermos of coffee from Hammerspace and drinks it.

"We're moving to Camelot," I say.

"Camelot? Are you sure you're not on drugs?" Ace asks me. I sigh.

"Well, being that we're from the Monty Python District, we call the Victor's Village "Camelot". From what I heard from Thierry, it's a very silly place," I explain. "But, of course, I'll be your neighbor."

Predictably, Ace falls asleep while I'm talking.

"Rude much?" I ask myself before I drag Ace back to my room.

* * *

The next morning, the train arrives in District 12. I am as excited as an anime fan going to Anime Expo.

"Now, Hana, remember what I told you last night," Thierry reminds me as the train slows to a stop.

"To have sex with Ace?" I ask Thierry, who sweatdrops.

"I said that?" Thierry wonders out loud. Because I now remember what Thierry said in his drunken stupor last night, I grab a kitchen knife and stab it into a table out of anger.

"Bitch, that is mahogany!" Bon Kurei yells. Thierry sweatdrops.

"Sorry about that. What I meant to say was this - Enjoy Camelot. It's a silly place," Thierry explains. I smile as I give the thumbs-up to Thierry.

"Right. What about Ace?" I ask as I point to Ace, who is sleeping (and drooling) on the ground. Thierry picks Ace up, spins him around, and judo-throws him out of the train.

"He's not my problem," Thierry says. "Now, go forth and... Yeah, just go forth."

With a deep breath and a spring in my step, I get off of the train, only to be greeted by most of District 12. I'm home, I can finally make-out with Holden, and I can see my yaoi again. I feel like I'm in one of my favorite songs, _LDN_ by Lily Allen.

"I'm back, bitches!" I shout to the crowd before stage-diving into them. The crowd lifts me into their arms and passes me around. I close my eyes, because I feel so damn happy. It's like the Hunger Games never happened, Bonney never got shanked by a plastic butter knife, and I never got a bitchin' weapon.

Life is good.

**End of the _Hunger Games_ parody.**

* * *

**Ending Note: Review if you want to see the _Catching Fire_ parody!**


	16. Fresh Princess of District 12

**Author's Note: **And, so, it was decreed that a parody of _Catching Fire_ should begin... Now!

**Disclaimer: I still don't own One Piece or _Catching Fire._**

* * *

**Six months later...**

Hey, everyone! It's me, Hana! Ace and I survived the Hunger Games, and we moved into the Victor's Village! But, here we just call it "Camelot", to keep up with the Monty Python theme of the District. The best part is that I'm neighbors with Ace and Thierry, but there's nobody else living in Camelot, since it's for Hunger Games Victors only.

Anyway, today I leave for my Victory Tour around Panem, but first, I need to get some things done. It's like doing chores the day before you go to an anime con.

So, after I finish hunting, I go to Holden's house to drop some of my game off. Poor Holden. His mother, Alvida, works as a cashier at Burger King by day and a phone sex operator by night, and she sent Holden's siblings, Kaku, Blueno, and Apis, away for work. The last time I checked, Blueno was a bartender at a mall in the Free City of Pentos, Kaku was travelling around Panem as a motivational speaker, and Apis was in the mafia at the tender, innocent age of ten. All of this is to pay the bills and to put food on the table.

Fun stuff.

"Are you sure you want me to have all of this stuff?" Alvida asks me.

"Take it. It's obvious that I'm in love with Holden - I mean, it's obvious that we're best friends," I say. Alvida laughs.

"Well, you have fun on your Victory Tour. Buy us some souvineers from the other Districts and Capitol, if you can. I'd like a foreign film or two from District 6," Alvida explains.

"I'll try," I say. "Where's Holden?"

"He had to go to work," Alvida says sadly.

"Where?" I ask.

"Do you really want to know?" Alvida asks. I nod. "The Monty Python theater troupe. He's auditioning to be in the production of _Spamalot_ that will take place a week before the Quarter Quell."

Oh, yeah, I forgot! I need to mentor four Tributes for the Quarter Quell, since you send four Tributes per District for a Quarter Quell!

"Bye, Alvida! Tell Holden that I'll be back soon!" I say before I run off.

"Be careful out there! Those people in the Capitol look like anime characters on crack cocaine!" Alvida yells out.

* * *

After visiting Holden's house, I go to Target to have one last bowl of cinnamon roll ramen with two of the friendliest Peacekeepers ever, Kohza and Galdino, a.k.a., Mr. 3.

"Here, you might want to take the soup of the day with you on your little victory tour," Tsuru says as she gives me a thermos filled with cinnamon roll ramen.

"Thanks, Granny Tsuru!" I say.

"Good luck out there, champ. I heard District 11's Peacekeepers are... Meanies, to put it this way," Mr. 3 explains.

"Don't worry, Galdino, I'm sure Hana will be fine," Kohza says.

"I'll be fine, guys. I am a Hunger Games Victor, after all," I say. Kohza pats me on the back.

"Atta girl, Hana! Now, you come out of District 12 swinging, okay? You've got spunk, and that's all people will cae about!" Kohza explains.

"I will!" I say before I leave Target. A few minutes later, I return to my mansion in the Victor's Village.

"I'm home!" I announce.

"Oh, you're back," My mother says. "There's somebody here to see you. He's in the dining room."

"Okay, thanks, mom," I say before I step into the dining room. Sure enough, President Snow and his stuffed head seagull are there.

"Drat! It's President Snow!" I cry. President Snow facepalms.

"That's not my real name. My name is Sengoku," President Snow - I mean, Sengoku - states. "Plus, I'm not the real President Snow, I'm just his assistant."

"Then, if you're not President Snow, then who is?" I ask. Sengoku clears his throat.

"You may come in, now!" Sengoku calls out. I gulp in fear as the real President Snow steps in. The smell of blood overwhelms me, and -

This is seriously President Snow? Really?

* * *

**Ending Note: Review if you want to see the real President Snow.**


	17. The Goat Says Baa

**Author's Note: **Without further ado, here is the chapter that brings in whoever is playing President Snow! Stay tuned!

**Disclaimer: I only own my OCs, including Hana, Aria, Kaoru, Mina, Thierry, and Holden.**

* * *

Currently, I'm standing face-to-face with THE President Snow. Turns out, the President Snow that all of Panem fears is actually...

A goat.

"Baa," The goat bleats. I sweatdrop.

"THIS is our country's president?" I ask.

"Hey! He has a name! His name is President Pwngoat!" Sengoku yells as he bangs his fists on the table. My mom enters the room at the same time.

"Would you like anything to eat or drink?" My mom asks us.

"Baa, baa," President Pwngoat bleats. Sengoku flips a switch on his collar.

"Whoops. Forgot to turn on his translator," Sengoku said.

"_Bitch, I will find you and kill your family_," The translator says. Clearly, Sengoku needs a new goat-to-English translator, since what the translator said didn't match President Pwngoat's lip movements.

"Excuse me?" My mom cries as she drops the plate of Jell-O she was carrying onto the nice carpet.

"Sorry about that. The translator's been stuck on 'Super Evil Dictator Mode' ever since Pwngoat was sworn into office," Sengoku explains as he fiddles with the president's collar.

"_Yes, I would like some tin cans_," The translator says over Pwngoat's bleats.

"We don't have those," My mom says. Pwngoat walks over to his master and grabs a gun Sengoku had holstered to his side.

"_Give me the fucking tin cans right now, bitch!_" The translator yells.

"Aria, can you go to Target and buy several cans of canned bread? It's a long story involving Panem's president!" My mom yells. A half-hour later, after we have a feast of canned bread (or tin cans if you're Pwngoat)...

"Now, then, before you go on your little Victory Tour, my goat has some things he would like to tell you," Sengoku explains calmly to me.

"Do they involve threats toward myself and/or my loved ones?" I nervously asked Sengoku, who chuckles.

"No, no. That was just the translator malfunctioning. It does that at least five times a day," Sengoku explains.

"Well, then... Tell me now, because I have to pack my bags for the Victory Tour," I say. Pwngoat coughs.

"_Son, I am disappoint,_" The translator says.

"Why? I won the Hunger Games," I say.

"_Never do a mock suicide again! You almost gave me a stroke! I was so scared that you and Portgas were going to die!_" The translator drones on, still not matching Pwngoat's lip movements.

"Okay, then what do I do?" I ask the goat and his master.

"_Watch your back_," Pwngoat states. Sengoku then took off Pwngoat's translator and put a leash around his neck.

"Well, Hana, we'll leave so we could give you time to pack," Sengoku says.

"Wait, I've got one more question," I say. "Why does your goat smell like blood?"

"Oh, he likes to eat sharp, tin cans, that's all," Sengoku explains. "Well, we should be going now. We'll see you in the Capitol."

"Bye. Take care," I say as Sengoku and Pwngoat leave. When the coast is clear, Aria, Bepo, and Hancock step into the room.

"Are they gone?" Bepo asks me.

"They're gone," I answer. Everyone breathes a collective sigh of relief.

"Well, Hana, you'd better get packing. You and Ace leave for the Victory Tour in an hour," My mom explains.

"Okay!" I say as I run upstairs and go into my new room. My new room's pretty bitchin', if I may say so. It's got my bed, my flat-screen T.V., my dresser, my closet, a couple of bookshelves filled to the brim with yaoi, a desk with my new Mac on it, and...

A tin can with a white rose in it?

Damn you, President Pwngoat!

* * *

**Ending Note: **I bet you weren't expecting Sengoku's goat as the One Piece character who is playing President Snow.

**Review if you want to see Hawkins again.**


	18. I'm Going to Hipster Disneyland!

**Author's Note: **Well, the last chapter, in my opinion, was a bit too short, so I'm posting another one today. The next chapter will be longer, though.

**Disclaimer: I still do not own One Piece or _The Hunger Games._**

* * *

A few minutes later, I finish up packing. By "finish up packing", I mean, "I haven't packed any of my yaoi yet because it's taking me a long time to decide which doujinshis to bring with me".

"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!"

Then, Kaoru, Mina, and Marigold enter the room, holding prop spears.

"Oh, hey!" I greet my Prep Team. "What's new?"

"Oh, you know, the Quarter Quell is coming up, so we were taking bets on which four kids from District 12 we're going to get. After you played the Hunger Games, you've made District 12 a place where the best and brightest flock to," Mina explains.

"Those poor kids. But, they might just live, thanks to you and Ace," Kaoru explains.

"Well, it was nothing," I say as I rub the back of my head nervously.

"What, what, WHAT are you doing?"

Hawkins enters the room.

"Hawkins!" I yell as I run up to him and give him a big hug. "I've really missed you, my Sassy, Gay, Friend!"

"I missed you, too," Hawkins says. "Now, have you been working on your cosplay modeling and your Artists' Alley trinkets?"

If you're wondering about the cosplaying and the Artists' Alley trinkets, let me explain - Basically, the people of Panem want the Victors of the Hunger Games to take up a hobby so they can be productive and happy, unlike the Victors who becomes druggies, alcoholics, or even pimps. I decided to make my own cosplay costumes and model them on the web, and I decided to make bookmarks, pins, posters, cell phone charms, keychains, and yaoi doujinshi to sell at anime cons. Ace chose to become a fire eater.

Now then, who has the more productive and interesting hobby? I do.

"Ready to go?" Hawkins asks me.

"Of course! Let's go to Hipsterland!" I say joyfully before I turn sad. Bonney, my awesome, hipster friend, lived in District 11 before she died. I still have dreams of me guiding Kidd's plastic knife away from Bonney and toward a pat of butter so he could butter some toast.

"Oh, Hana, don't be a Monica, be a Phoebe! Is this because District 11 reminds you of your dead, hipster friend?" Hawkins asks me. That little Friends joke didn't help, because I'm now crying.

"I miss Bonney! Why did she have to die?" I sob.

* * *

I'm still sniffling when we meet Bon Kurei, Thierry, Ace, and Kuina at the train station.

"Hey, Hana, what's up?" Ace - whose breah smells like coffee - asks me. I sniff.

"Nothing much," I whimper.

"Have you been crying? No, no - Are you having an allergy attack?" Ace asks me. I just blow my nose in response.

"What do you think?" I ask Ace sternly. Ace snaps his fingers.

"I've got it! You tried smoking pot for the first time!" Ace yells in amazement. I punch him in the face and kick him in the balls.

"I live above the influence!" I yell. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to catch up on my reading."

I go straight to my room on the train and pull out a doujinshi from my bag of yaoi. It's a doujinshi of Kotetsu and Barnaby from Tiger and Bunny that I bought at Anime Expo District 12. I haven't read it yet, so I might as well do it now.

"Hmm... I like this artist's style, and -" I comment to myself as I turn the page. However, the contents on the next page are too graphic to discuss. In fact, they're so graphic, that my face turns bright red. "Woah! You can use a starfish for THAT? Oh, Dear Lord!"

* * *

The next day, we all arrive in District 11, where Ace and I have to give a speech to the hipsters that dwell there. After that, by orders of President Pwngoat, Ace and I are supposed to attend Jabberjay, which is a hipster music festival. Our stylists have planned ahead, and they dress Ace and I in hipster outfits.

"This outfit is cool!" I say as I stare at myself in the mirror. I'm wearing a red, Hello Kitty T-shirt under a black blazer, black skinny jeans, and blue sneakers. Ace is wearing a collared shirt with a red sweater vest, a yellow hipster scarf, khaki pants, Puma shoes, and hipster glasses.

"I knew you'd love it, you stupid bitch. The Organic Food District must be your favorite District outside of the Monty Python District," Hawkins explains. I glare at Hawkins.

"Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?" I ask as I adjust my glasses. Everyone laughs.

"That joke never gets old," Ace says as he chugs a Big Gulp cup filled to the brim with coffee. Bon Kurei rubs his hands together.

"Perfect! Now, my children, go out there and make people happy. If not, then we have to stay in a Best Western for a night and not Over at the Frankenstein Place," Bon Kurei explains. We all glare at Bon Kurei.

"These kids are from the Monty Python District, not the _Rocky Horror Picture Show_ District," Kaoru explains before he ushers Ace and I onto a stage in front of the Justice Building. A bunch of hipsters are staring us down.

"Uhh... Hi there," Ace greets the Tributes. "Before we begin, where are the families of X. Drake and Jewelry Bonney?"

Several people in the middle raise their hands. I can't bear to look at the pink-haired, hipster glasses wearing family, since they all remind me of Bonney.

"You've just won a share of our winnings!" Ace announces like one of the families got a new car. Feeling bold, I snatch the microphone from Ace.

"Thank you all for coming! Bonney and X. Drake's deaths weren't in vain - They were still heroes of District 11. So... Yeah, they're totally not martyrs for a lost cause," I say with a nervous laugh. Then, the District grows so silent, you could hear a cricket. "So... Uhh... Does anybody here like knock-knock jokes?"

"DR. OCTAGONAPUS!"

Before I can say "knock-knock", Ace and I are ushered into the Justice Building.

* * *

**Ending Note: What happened? Why were Ace and Hana ushered into the Justice Building? Review and find out!**


	19. Dr Octagonapus, Partying, and Steampunk

**Author's Note: **Personally, I like this chapter. XD

**Disclaimer: I only own the Capricorn Pirates.**

* * *

When we get into the Justice Building, Thierry draws the curtains, leaving us in semi-darkness.

"What's going on?" I ask.

"Oh, nothing. Except that somebody got laser-beamed out there," Thierry explained. I open the curtains a bit and take a look outside. So far, things seem to be calming down.

"DR. OCTAGONAPUS!"

I then see a Peacekeeper shoot a laser from his mouth and said laser hits a guy in a furry hat and a hoodie. Nervously, I draw the curtains back. (1)

"Oh, my God! The Peacekeepers are shooting lasers at us!" I yell.

"Quick! To the attic! We have to find a time machine!" Kaoru yells before he sticks his head into a Pepsi vending machine. We sweatdrop.

"Ignore this. Kaoru's been having nightmares about Peacekeepers who shoot lasers from their mouths like in bad sci-fi movies," Mina explains to me.

"Either that, or it was because President Pwngoat visited me yesterday," I explain.

"He WHAT?" Everyone else in the room shouts. So, I tell them everything, including the tin can with the rose.

"Wow. For a goat, he's pretty menacing," Marigold comments.

"I know, right?" I say.

"Yep. I mean, who elected him as president?" Thierry slurs. It seriously took Thierry Brighton, victor of a previous Hunger Games, five minutes to find the Justice Building's alcohol stash and five more minutes to get completely drunk.

"Thierry, please!" Mina says with a shush. "You don't know who could be hearing us."

I sigh. Why does this totalitarian state have to be so cracky sometimes?

* * *

The next few days are pretty much the same. We go on the train to the next District, say a speech, go to a local event (like a live filming of the new _Jackass_ movie in District 9, the District 6 Classic Movie Festival, and the District 3 Anime Festival), and go back on the train. But, here in the Capitol, it's different - Bon Kurei escorts us straight to President Pwngoat's mansion, where Scratchman Apoo will interview us, and then we will go to a party President Pwngoat is hosting.

Oh, did I mention that our Prep Team and Hawkins had no time to work on us? I'm seriously going to a party in a T-shirt that says "Yaoi is my Anti-Drug", Annoying Orange pajama bottoms, and Pikachu slippers, and Ace is just going in a pair of shorts and a hat he likes.

Maybe while I'm in the Capitol, I can get these Captiol citizens addicted to yaoi. If so, they will be too busy reading yaoi to do anything about the Quarter Quell.

"Hana! Did you hear me?" Apoo asks. Did I zone out?

"What did you say?" I ask Apoo.

"I said, 'Do you think Ace is cute?'" Apoo asks me.

"Well, Apoo, I -" I say before Ace falls to the ground and falls asleep. "I feel that Ace needs to get laid so he can have more energy to do productive things, like go to the store and buy necessities, like milk and eggs."

Ace then screams in his sleep.

"Ahhh! Cobras! Cobras!" Ace yells. In his sleep, he picks up a chair and approaches Apoo. Ace must be having a really bad nightmare. "I'll kill you, Cobra King!"

Apoo screams.

"Let's end the interviews right here and now!" Apoo says to the audience before he blows a whistle. "Security!"

Two cops then come on stage and drag Ace off. I sweatdrop.

"Sorry, Apoo, this happens on a regular basis," I apologize to Apoo.

"Don't worry about it. Now, you just go on and enjoy your party at the president's mansion," Apoo re-assures me. With a sigh, I begin to make the trek to President Pwngoat's mansion.

"_Plus, Apoo, I like Holden Sarutobi better. Ace has got nothing on the sexy boy back home that I love_," I think to myself.

* * *

If this party had a theme, it would be _Scott Pilgrim vs. The World_, because it feels like I'm in the scene where Scott and Ramona meet at that party. At least the food's good.

"Hana, you should drink this," Mina says as she gives me a vial filled with a clear liquid.

"What is this?" I ask as I study the liquid.

"It's a medicine that makes you throw up. Here in the Capitol, we drink this stuff at parties so we can stuff our faces all night long," Kaoru explains. I throw the vial out the window. The vial lands in the neighbor's yard, and it explodes and sets the lawn (and mansion) on fire upon impact.

"No! You shouldn't do that! Eating disorders are NOT COOL!" I point out to my Prep Team. They just shrug.

"District 12 residents say the darndest things," Kaoru says before the three walk off. With a sigh, I go over to the buffet table and refill my cup with fruit punch. As I turn to get some pizza and fried chicken, I bump into a familiar man with blonde hair and a curly eyebrow.

"Hey, I know you! You're that guy I knocked into the punch bowl before my Hunger Games!" I say in surprise.

"I know you, too! You're Hana Yakushi, the Hunger Games Victor that knocked me into a punch bowl!" The man says in surprise. "My name is Sanji, and I'm the new Gamemaker."

Sanji shakes my hand.

"New Gamemaker? What happened to Gamemaker Moria?" I ask Sanji.

"Didn't you hear? He died," Sanji asks me.

"He died?" I cry out.

"Yep. It was right after they pulled you and Ace from the arena. They say that he was at the Ritz Carlton of the Capitol when they pushed him from his hotel room on the 45th story. I think it was because he let two Tributes live," Sanji explains.

"I-I'm sorry," I apologize. Sanji puts his hand on my shoulder.

"You don't need to apologize, sweetie. You didn't do anything wrong," Sanji says before I hear a beep. Sanji then pulls out a pocket watch and checks the time. "Would you look at that? It's midnight."

"Midnight already?" I cry. "Damn! Where does the time go?"

"I know, right?" Sanji asks me. "I'd love to stay and chat with you, but I have to go. I have wisdom teeth surgery tomorrow at noon."

"Get well soon!" I say. Sanji puts away his watch, and I can see that there's a Mockingjay on the front of it.

"See you at the Quarter Quell!" Sanji says before walking away.

* * *

A couple of days later, I'm back in District 12. I just gave a speech to District 12, and now I'm at Sadie's house. We're waiting for Holden to come, since the event Ace and I have to attend for District 12 is the Fall carnival. I can't wait, since it's a whole night of fried Twinkies, cotton candy, popcorn, petting zoo animals, and rides that make anybody barf.

"Hey, Sadie, remember last year when I puked all over Holden after we rode that spinning egg ride?" I ask Sadie.

"I remember that! And, then, you were washing Holden's hair in my kitchen sink and I was scrubbing the vomit off of his leather jacket! You shoud've seen the smug look on your face," Sadie explains. That smug look she was talking about was actually a look of happiness, since I was washing Holden Sarutobi's hair, and it is known that Holden has fantastic hair.

"Sadie, could you come here for a second?"

Sadie gets up from the couch.

"Sorry about that. my mom's majorly PMSing, so she's been bedridden for a couple of days. I think she wants some chocolate," Sadie says before she leaves for her mother's room. With a sigh, I begin to look for something to watch on T.V.

"Boring. Seen it three times. This show sucks. Eww! Jersey Shore! Hockey game. U2 concert. Naruto. District 8's League of Steam fighting against Peacekeepers... Wait - What?" I say as I turn back to the news.

"We're following breaking news. District 8, the steampunk District, has begun rioting against the Capitol. On the phone with us is Matsu Takeshima, a past Hunger Games victor. Matsu, what's it like out there right now in District 8?"

It's not a lie. I am watching various steampunks using steampunk-styled weapons against the Peacekeepers as buildings are set on fire.

"Hana, Holden's here!"

With a gasp, I change the channel to an episode of Pimp my Ride right as Holden and Sadie enter the room.

"Since when do you like Pimp my Ride?" Holden asks me.

* * *

**(1)** - No hipsters named Trafalgar Law were harmed during the making of this parody.

**Review if you want to see Hana and Holden make out!**


	20. In Which Sexual Tension is Resolved

**Author's Note: **And, so, things get so bad in Panem, that Hana has to reference Homestuck to get a point across.

Without futher ado, let's take a look into a Panem on the brink of revolution, shall we?

**Disclaimer: Eichiiro Oda owns One Piece and Suzanne Collins owns _The Hunger Games_. Need I say more?**

* * *

**Alt. Chapter Title: "Happy Thanksgiving, Hana!"**

"You wanted to talk to me?" Holden asked. It's Thanksgiving, and we're hunting for turkeys in the woods so we can have a Thanksgiving feast.

"You were right. We need to flee to Mexico ASAP. Right now, a revolution has started, and District 8 was the first to go to war. We need to get our loved ones out of this totalitatian state that we once knew as Narnia! There is no Peter, Susan, Lucy, and/or Edmund to save us THIS TIME," I explain.

"What? No Peter, Susan, Lucy, and Edmund? That sucks!" Holden cries.

"Well, this time, it's going to be Hana, Holden, Thierry, Ace, and Aria. We'll be like John Egbert, Rose Lalonde, Dave Strider, and Jade Hartley," I explain.

"But, Hana, I love you, and -" Holden pleads before I cut him off.

"Wait... Did you just say that you love me?" I cry. Holden nods.

"I've had a crush on you since 8th grade," Holden explains. I begin blushing.

"Ooh, Mr. Darcy, ooh!" I squeal before Holden and I begin to make-out. Thirty minutes later...

"God, that was fucking awesome," Holden comments sexily.

"I know, right?" I say with a giggle. Holden gets up.

"Sorry, Hana, I have to go. I need to give one of my turkeys to Peacekeeper Galdino, since he's coming over to my house for Thanksgiving," Holden explains.

"Why is a Peacekeeper coming over to your house?" I ask Holden.

"Well, I always give him turkeys, so he's going to return the favor and come over for dinner," Holden explains.

"That sounds fun!" I say. Holden gives me a kiss.

"I'll see you tomorrow when we go Black Friday shopping," Holden says before he leaves.

This is officially the best day of my life. Besides the day I met Bonney, the day I met Holden, the day Ace gave me free dozens of donuts, the day I began reading Homestuck, and, obviously, the day I discovered yaoi.

* * *

A few minutes later, I drop my turkey off at my house, and I head on into town to get a pumpkin pie from Whitebeard's Bakery. And, I'm STILL giddy over Holden's love confession.

"_I am the luckiest girl in all of Panem! The hottest boy in District 12 loves me, and we made out! Despite the fact I live in a dictatorship where twenty-four teenagers have to kill each other every year, life is good!_" I think to myself as I skip down the lane.

"S-Stop it! I didn't know Head Peacekeeper Galdino got fired!"

"Silence, child!"

I run over to the town square, where Holden is shirtless and being whipped by a guy with a shaved head.

Wait... Holden's shirtless AND he's being whipped by another male? This is awesome! I never thought I'd see Holden in a sexy yaoi scene!

"_Oh, Holden, you seemed like a sexy seme back in the woods, but now you're a sexy uke_," I think to myself. "_Wait... I think I'm getting a bit carried away here. I mean, Holden's now bleeding._"

Peacekeeper Kohza runs up to the new Peacekeeper with a bag from Radio Shack.

"Here's the walkie-talkie battery you needed, Head Peacekeeper Daz Bones. I had to go all the way to the Free City of Pentos to get it," Kohza explains. Head Peacekeeper Daz Bones gives him a boot to the head.

"Idiot! You're not supposed to go THERE!" Daz Bones yells.

"I had to! The Best Buy, Target, and Fry's Electronics there didn't have them!" Kohza argued. I take this time to run to Holden and help him.

"Are you okay?" I ask Holden, who winces in pain.

"Yeah. I didn't know Peacekeeper Galdino got fired, though," Holden says. Then, Daz Bones slaps me.

"You're not supposed to help this criminal!" Daz Bones yelled. Thierry then runs up to Daz Bones and bitch-slaps him with a bottle of whiskey.

"Get your hands away from her. You just slapped Hana Yakushi, Panem's sweetheart. She has a photoshoot for the IKEA catalogue tomorrow, and if her Prep Team finds EVEN A SMALL WELT, I will bust yo' ass!" Thierry threatens the new Peacekeeper, who wets his pants.

"Uhh... Okay, sir. I didn't know that Hunger Games Victor Hana Yakushi was right here. My apologies," Daz Bones apologizes before he runs off crying. "Mommy!"

* * *

Instead of having a nice turkey dinner with all of the trimmings with mom, Aria, Thierry, and Ace, I am now cleaning Holden's wounds.

"Thanks, Hana - Ow!" Holden cries as I clean one of his many whip gashes on his back.

"Stay still, Holden. Hold on to my hand," I instruct. Holden grips tightly on my hand as I put several My Little Pony and Pokémon Band-Aids on his back. "There! All better!"

"Will you kiss it to make it all better?" Holden whimpers. I kiss all of the lashes on his back, and I regret nothing. "Thanks, Hana."

"No problem, sexy," I say dreamily. Right now, I could care less about a revolution, since I am tending to Holden Sarutobi, District 12's Memetic Sex God AND my Boyfriend.

* * *

**Ending Note: Review if you want to see Nami and Vivi. If you don't review, you get to see Joffery Baratheon from Game of Thrones AND Rebecca Black instead.**


	21. Let's Get Some Shoes

**Author's Note: **I'm still wondering why this parody is so fun to work on. Anybody know why?

**Disclaimer: I only own my OCs.**

* * *

My Thanksgiving weekend got worse. The Peacekeepers burned down Target.

"Hey, you harpies! Get the fuck off my lawn!" Tsuru shouts as she pumps her shotgun. I sigh.

"You can't fight it. We're on our way to a revolution."

Alvida approaches me, still in her Burger King uniform.

"Oh! Hello, Alvida!" I greet Holden's mom.

"Hello, Hana. I'm on my way to Thierry's house right now. My son has told me all about him, so I figured that I could get a job as his maid," Alvida explains.

"Good luck!" I say.

"I need it. Blueno's been getting less tourists from King's Landing, Quarth, Astapor, and Braavos, nobody wants to listen to Kaku speak about socialism, and Apis and her mafia family haven't whacked anybody in six weeks," Alvida sadly explains.

"Welcome to Panem," I say before I walk away. I don't really feel like doing anything revolution-related today, so I hop the fence and go into the meadow I like so much.

"Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen!  
Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey, listen! Hey -"

I throw a rock at whoever is shouting that. Turns out, I hit a girl with long, blue hair, and I think I broke her nose.

"Vivi!"

An orange-haired girl runs up to this girl called "Vivi".

"Uhh... Oopsie daisy," I say.

* * *

I take the two to an abandoned cabin that's nearby. My dad used to use this cabin so he could... Do the deed with other women. Yeah. This also used to be my playhouse when I was younger.

"Hey, umm... I never got your names. Who are you?" I ask the two girls.

"I'm Nami, and this is Vivi," The orange-haired girl explains.

"I'm Hana," I intoduce myself.

"Yeah, we know. We saw those Hunger Games where you vaporized people with Chell's gun from Portal," Vivi explains. I nervously laugh as I rub the back of my neck.

"Yeah, about that..." I say before I change the subject. "So, I've never seen you around the Monty Python District before. Where are you guys from?"

"We're from District 8. We're trying to get to the Free City of Pentos," Vivi explains.

"Escaping the uprisings in District 8?" I ask.

"Nope. We're going shoe shopping," Nami explains.

"Well, have fun. Pentos is supposed to be -" I say before I realize something. Vivi and Nami said that they were going to Pentos for shoe shopping. Pentos may be on the ocean, but to the west of the city was where District 13 used to be before the Capitol accidentally blew it up during the Dark Days.

"Pentos is supposed to be what? We already know that it's from Game of Thrones and that Pentos is a seperate, sovereign state within Panem," Vivi asks me. I then blurt it out.

"You two are going to District 13 to buy shoes, aren't you?" I ask.

"Shoot, you found out. Well, we know for a fact that District 13, which was formerly the Anime District, is still standing," Vivi explains.

"But, they show us the footage of the ruins of District 13," I explain.

"News flash, they use the same footage every time they show it. Just look for the Ridiculously Photogenic Guy walking in the background," Nami explains.

"What's he doing in the middle of a battlefield?" I ask.

"Beats me," Nami says with a shrug.

* * *

At the end of the day, right when the sun is setting, Nami, Vivi, and I part ways.

"Good luck getting to Pentos!" I say. "What are you going to do after you guys go shoe shopping?"

"We're going to seek asylum to the island of Lougetown. Then, we're going to join a pirate crew and go to the Grand Line," Vivi explains

"Sounds like fun! I wish I could come!" I say.

"You could come," Nami points out.

"I can't. President Pwngoat will probably headbutt my family if I leave," I say.

"Well... Good-bye! I hope we see each other around!" Vivi says.

"Bye! Be careful out there!" I yell as I make my way back to the fence to go home. "_Vivi and Nami were nice girls. I hope I get to see them when - and if - I can escape to the Free City of Pentos and seek asylum_."

As I approach the fence that seperates the field from District 12, I hear an electrial hum come from the fence that I didn't hear earlier today.

"What the hell?" I cry. My eyes are turned to the sign on the fence, that says the following:

**Danger! High voltage! Don't touch this fence! I repeat, don't touch this fence unless you want to become barbecue!**

I shurg as I go over to a nearby apple tree and climb it.

Score one for Hana Yakushi.

"_Suckers!_" I think to myself as I let my feet dangle off of the branch that extends to the other side of the tree. The next thing I know, my hands slip and I fall.

"Barnacles!" I curse as I fall to the ground and black out.

* * *

When I awake, I'm resting on my bed at home. Mom, Aria, Thierry, and Holden surround me.

"What happened?" I ask.

"From what it looked like, you were picking apples, when you fell down from the tree. Miraculously, you only got a concussion and a sprained ankle," Aria explains.

Oh, so that's why my ankle feels cold. There's an ice pack on it.

"You just rest up here for a couple of days, and then we'll go from there," My mother says before she and Aria leave the room. Holden walks up to me and kisses me on the forehead.

"Is the fence next to the meadow electrified?" Holden asks me. I nod. "Goddamnit! This totalitarian state sucks!"

"I know, right?" I say in agreement. Holden gives a sexy glare to me.

"Well, then, I'll keep you company until you get better," Holden says as he sits next to me on the bed and turns on the T.V. Right when the T.V. turns on, do I see him - It's the Ridiculously Photogenic Guy running across the ruins of District 13.

Son of a gun. Vivi and Nami were right.

* * *

**Ending Note: **Yes, I'm aware that Pentos is a city in Game of Thrones. Yes, I'm aware that Panem is the remains of Narnia in this fic. Both of these will show up as important points in the _Mockingjay_ section of the story.

**Review if you want to see an announcement about the upcoming Quarter Quell in the fic!**


	22. Aww, Hell Naw!

**Author's Note: **Again, why is this fic so much fun to work on?

**Disclaimer: I only own the Capricorn Pirates.**

* * *

A few days later, I'm sitting on the couch watching Reno 911!, when an announcement comes on T.V.

"_Hey, residents of Panem, tune in at 8:00 p.m. tonight to hear a special announcement about this year's Hunger Games, or we'll find you_!"

Hmm... Seems legit.

Or is it?

* * *

That night, my family and I gather around to watch the special announcement.

"I have the feeling that this Quell will be bracket-styled elimination," Aria says.

"You've been watching too much sports," I say. Then, Apoo comes in the T.V.

"_Good evening, Panem! We're sorry that we're delaying your favorite shows like The Simpsons and Game of Thrones, but we have to tell you some big news about this year's Hunger Games!_"

Then, Apoo lifts President Pwngoat onto his lap and switches on Pwngoat's translator.

"_Hello, Panem. This is President Pwngoat here. We actually have two announcements to make. First off, we made a terrible error. Since this year is the 70th Hunger Games and not the 75th, we're calling it the 'Semi-Quarter Quell'._"

"He kinda sounds like Microsoft Anna tonight," My mom comments blankly. I shush her.

"Shh! The big announcement is coming!" I say.

"_For this year's Semi-Quarter Quell... All twenty-four Tributes who enter the arena will be past Victors! We now return you to your regularly-scheduled programming._"

Then, the progam slowly switches to one of the Harry Potter movies as _Still Alive_ from Portal plays.

"WHAT THE HELL?" I cry as I bang my fists on the coffee table. "I have to go back into the arena!"

"Hana, calm down. You'll win this like Charlie Sheen," My mom tries to re-assure me.

"You don't understand! I have to kill Thierry or Ace! WHY COULDN'T I GO TO PENTOS WITH VIVI AND NAMI WHEN THEY ASKED?"

I run out of the house crying.

* * *

**Third Person P.O.V.**

Hancock and Aria sweatdropped as Hana ran crying out of the house.

"Should we go get her?" Hancock asked Aria.

"She'll be back, I know it," Aria said. "Oh, by the way, mom, isn't the Free City of Pentos from Game of Thrones?"

* * *

**Hana's P.O.V.**

After walking around District 12 in a haze, I end up next door at Thierry's house.

"You heard the announcements?" Thierry asks me as he pours himself a glass of whiskey. I nod. "Yeah, we're screwed."

"You may have it easy because you might not get Reaped, but I don't," I explain. "I have no choice. I HAVE TO go back into the arena."

Thierry puts a small bottle of wine in front of me. Maybe I should take this time to remember what the drinking laws in Panem were.

"Sweetie, I know that this is a big no-no, but desperate times call for desperate measures," Thierry explains. I glare at him. "Well, it's five o'clock somewhere."

With a shrug, I chug down the whole bottle of wine, and then I pass out.

* * *

The next day, I awake on Thierry's couch with a hangover.

"Thierry, bring me some water, painkillers, and pancakes," I call out.

"Hungover? Welcome to my world!" Thierry shouts back. "But, then again, it's five o'clock somewhere!"

With a groan, I head into the kitchen, where Thierry is passed out.

"Hana used Wake-Up Slap!" I yell as I bitch-slap Thierry across the face. Thierry then wakes up. "It's super effective!"

"Is it five o'clock?" Thierry asks me.

"Of course not! We're going to spend all of the five o'clocks in the world training for the Semi-Quarter Quell!" I explain.

"What about me?" Ace asks.

"How did you get in?" I ask.

"Sleepwalked," Ace says before he falls asleep.

* * *

Several days of traning later, it was the Reaping Day for the Quarter Quell.

"Hana Yakushi!"

With a shrug, I take the stage. Holden holds up a sign that says "Win so we can get married in five years!" while my mom and Aria cheered.

"Hana, Hana, she's our man! If she can't do it, nobody can!" Aria chants as she waves some pompoms in the air. Everyone sweatdrops. "Get in the fucking spirit, District 12!"

Everyone sweatdrops.

"Well, let's pick our male Tribute," Bon Kurei says before he pulls out a slip of paper and reads from it. "Thierry Brighton!"

"I volunte -" Ace shouts before he falls asleep. Thierry has to drag Ace on stage.

"Portgas D. Ace volunteers in my place!" Thierry states. Then, the Peacekeepers drag us onto the train.

"Well, this sucks. I didn't get to say good-bye," I say to Thierry.

* * *

**Ending Note: Review, and you'll get to see Thierry's Hunger Games. If you don't review, you get to see Akainu's Hunger Games.**


	23. YOLO, Thierry, YOLO

**Author's Note: **Are you ready? Let the 49th Hunger Games (Thierry's Games) begin!

**Disclaimer: Nope. I don't own anything.**

* * *

That night, Ace, Bon Kurei, Thierry, and I watch the Reapings for the other Districts. Here were some things I took note of (so far):

- Two siblings got Reaped in District 1. But, the male has green hair and it took him twenty minutes to find the stage because of his bad sense of direction. The girl has pink hair and she's goth.

- I don't like District 2's Tributes, Akainu and Sadi-chan. Akainu won his Hunger Games by casually pushing the Tribute everyone loved into a volcano, and Sadi-chan won by spanking a Tribute to death with an S&M whip. Shortly after she won her Games, Sadi-chan got an S&M whip that's studded with diamonds.

- District 3's Tributes were unimpressive. They were a boy with a long nose and a girl with blonde hair.

- District 4... My God, the male Tribute for District 4 is fucking sexy! The Chinese girl who got Reaped appears to be his girlfriend, but a ghost with pink hair volunteered in her place.

- Like Thierry, District 5's Tributes are two alcoholics. They passed out on the stage.

- District 6's Tributes are two marijuana addicts who call themselves "Sir Crocodile" and "Donquixote Doflamingo" instead of their real names. Also, District 6 has two male Tributes going in, since there are rumors that the female Tributes sought asylum to Canada.

- The female Tribute from District 7 is Nico Robin, who won her Hunger Games by pretending to be weak to hide her true strength. The male Tribute is Chopperman, a superhero who is a reindeer.

We're watching the male Tribute for District 8 (a cyborg named Franky) take the stage, when the District 8 female takes the stage.

"No! Not Matsu!" I cry. Matsu Takeshima is my favorite Tribute, since she's so kind and nice to everyone. She married famous socialite Kartik Abingdon, and they have been called "Panem's Greatest Married Couple Since Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie".

"Sweetie, you can't fight it. Somebody wanted Kartik and Matsu to suffer like in those classic novels they like," Bon Kurei explains. With a sigh, I turn my attention back to the Reapings, where the District 11 Tributes (a man named Shanks and a very old lady named Kureha) got Reaped.

"No! Not Shanks! He's my drinking buddy!" Thierry cries.

If I had the choice, Matsu Takeshima should be this year's Victor.

* * *

That night, I'm in my bed, looking for something to watch T.V.

"I wonder if the Capitol trains get Funimation network," I say to myself. Then, something catches my eye.

"_Your District 12 Tributes for the 49th Hunger Games are... Thierry Brighton and Boa Margaret!_"

Boa Margaret? Isn't she Sadie's aunt, twice-removed?

Wait... These are Thierry's Games!

* * *

***Begin Flashback, Twenty Years Ago (Third Person P.O.V.)***

_Thierry and Margaret stood at the edge of the arena, which was literally a cliff._

_"Thierry... It's only you, me, and the girl from District 1 left. Either you win, I win, or the girl wins," Margaret sadly explained. Thierry sighed._

_"Which is why we have to end our alliance right here and now," Thierry explained. The two Tributes from District 12 grew silent._

_"Well, I don't mind that," Margaret said. Theirry's face turned to shock._

_"What are you talking about?" Thierry cried. Margaret touched Thierry's face._

_"Shh... Shh... Let me pap your face," Margaret said soothingly to Thierry as the words **Thierry got face-paped!** were displayed on the bottom of the screen. "The both of us can't win, and you know that."_

_"But, isn't there some way to out-wit the Game -" Thierry said before Margaret passionately kissed Thierry on the lips._

_"YOLO, bitch," Margaret said before she backed up. After a few seconds, Margaret began to sprint. "VODKA!"_

_Margaret then base-jumped off of the cliff. But, as soon as she landed at the bottom, some sort of force caused Margaret to bounce up into the sky, where she was electrocuted. Thierry cringed._

_"Ouch..." Thierry commented. "Looks like I can use the force."_

_Five minutes later, Thierry was being chased around the arena by the District 1 Tribute._

**_(Background Music: Yakety Sax, from Benny Hill)_**

_"Save me, Jeeves!" Thierry cried before tripping and falling down the flight of stairs that led to the Cornucopia._

_"I warned you about the stairs!" Dave Strider shouted from the Homestuck world. Thierry got up and kept running._

_"I'm coming for you, Dead Parrot!" The District 1 girl shouted as she got an axe out. Thierry ran to the cliff and stopped to catch his breath. (1)_

_"May the force be with me," Thierry said breathlessly._

_"Gotcha!"_

_Thierry turned around, and he saw the girl throw her axe at him. Thierry just glared at the District 1 girl._

_"YOLO," Thierry said smugly before he ducked down. The axe then sprung back to the District 1 girl._

_"Oh shi -"_

_Thierry closed his eyes tightly until the hovercraft picked him up._

_"I... I want my mommy!" Thierry sobbed._

***End Flashback, Revert to the Present***

* * *

**Hana's P.O.V.**

With a shudder, I change the channel to a documentary on kittens.

"I didn't know Thierry was fond of the term YOLO," I say to myself. Needless to say, I have nightmares of killing Thierry duing his Hunger Games.

* * *

**(1)** - The District 1 girl calls Thierry a "Dead Parrot" as an insult. Also, keep in mind that District 12 is the Monty Python District in this fic.

**In your reviews, take some guesses on who the Tributes from Districts 1 and 3 are. I'm only giving you one hint - Two of them are Straw Hats.**


	24. Heathcliffe's Sexy and he Knows It

**Author's Note: **Warning: this chapter contains copious amounts of Heathcliffe Sarutobi. Women with heart conditions are advised not to look directly at Heathcliffe Sarutobi. This also applies to women without heart conditions. He's very pretty. See? See how pretty it is? He's VERY pretty. I'd like to run my fingers through his hair, but I'm just a wall of text.

Anyway, Heathcliffe fangirls, this chapter is for you.

**Disclaimer: I own Heathcliffe Sarutobi.**

* * *

As my Prep Team prepares me for the Chariot Ride, they all cry and sniffle.

"I wish you weren't going back into the arena. I-I mean... We're besties!" Mina sobs.

"WRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYY?" Marigold shouts. Kaoru calmly puts down his tweezers.

"That's it! I'm rage quitting!" Kaoru shouts before he leads Mina and Marigold out of the room. I sigh.

"What are you doing? What, what, WHAT are you doing?"

Hawkins enters the room.

"Preparing to compete in the Hunger Games again. I think I may just die this time," I say.

"So we talk about killing ourselves? KILLING OURSELVES?" Hawkins asks me.

"I didn't say that," I point out.

"I know you didn't, you stupid bitch," Hawkins says.

* * *

That evening, it's the Chariot Ride.

"Hawkins, where's my costume? I never got it, and we've got five minutes until I have to go to the chariot," I ask. Hawkins hands me a black bag.

"Your costume is inside," Hawkins explains. Then, Kaoru, Mina, and Marigold walk in, wearing their Spanish Inquisition costumes. However, they look sad.

"Nobody expects... Expects... The Spanish Inquisition!" Kaoru yells before the three break down crying. I open the bag, and, sure enough, there's a Spanish Inquisition costume in there.

Oh, I do love my Monty Python District.

After dressing up, I run downstairs to the chariot. Ace, who is dressed as a member of King Arthur's Knights of the Round Table, is asleep, so I have some time to kill by thinking deep thoughts.

"Hey, baby."

I look up, and... Oh, my God! He's here! He's really here!

It's Heathcliffe Sarutobi, Panem's sexiest Hunger Games Victor! And, he's only wearing a pair of tight, black jeans.

"Oh, my God! It's Heathcliffe Sarutobi! YOU were the sexy guy I saw at the District 4 Reaping!" I squeal, even though I have a boyfriend already.

"That's me. Want some sushi?" Heathcliffe asks as he pulls out two rolls of sushi. I grab a roll of sushi.

"Thanks. May the odds be ever in your favor," I say before I eat my sushi. We grow silent. "Can I touch your hair?"

"My hair? Sure. I get that request all the time," Heathcliffe answers. I start running my fingers through his hair, and... OMG! It's so soft and thick! I think Heathcliffe has better hair than Holden!

"I love your hair! How do you get it to be so fantastic?" I ask Heathcliffe.

"Well, I wash and condition it twice, then I use some product, then I wash it again, then I put some more product in my hair. It works," Heathcliffe explains. "As for you, don't get too attached to my hair. I have a girlfriend back home who can touch my hair as much as she likes."

"Yeah, and I have a boyfriend who also has awesome hair," I explain. We grow silent, again.

"Well... See you around," Heathcliffe says before he reteats to his chariot. I climb into my chariot.

"And, now, for something completely different," I mutter to myself as I slip a caffiene pill into Ace's mouth.

And, so, the Chariot Rides begin. Here's what I saw:

- The brother and sister from District 1 were dressed as the Welcome to Las Vegas sign and the Hollywood sign, respectively.

- Akainu is dressed as Billy Mays and Sadi-chan is dressed as a bottle of Oxyclean. I can see some subtle dominatrix tendencies behind this.

- The two Tributes for District 3 are dressed as Dave Strider and Jade Harley from Homestuck. I think I'll make an alliance with them solely because of their Chariot Ride costumes.

- Heathcliffe's lack of a shirt causes a massive fangirl riot. The ghost girl, however, looks unimpressed, as she rolls her eyes and crosses her arms. She's also dressed as a gothic lolita.

- Both of the drunk District 5 Tributes are wearing T-shirts from Charlie Sheen's Torpedo of Truth Tour. I think that tour sold out in District 5.

- Doflamingo and Crocodile are too stoned to notice their weird costumes. This saddens me, since I heard that the Victors of District 6 usually end up hooked on drugs like in some of the foreign films they love.

- Robin and Chopperman are dressed as Beauty and the Beast, which makes me happy.

- Matsu is dressed as a steampunk Mary Poppins and Franky is a steampunk cyborg. Franky's costume is essentially redunant, since his Hunger Games took such a huge toll on him that he had to become a cyborg to live. Matsu, nevertheless, still looks pretty in her costume in the face of death.

- The Tributes of District 9 are wearing T-shirts that say "R.I.P. Ryan Dunn. 1977 - 2011" and they have sad looks on their faces. Ryan Dunn's death must've hit the _Jackass_ District really hard.

- District 10's outfits are too hilarious. Basically, somebody got lazy and dressed them in cow suits. With rainbow streamers taped to the back. And they're holding plastic princess wands.

- Shanks is dressed as a hipster music producer, and Dr. Kureha is dressed as a coffee barista. To be honest, neither of them look at home.

However, when Ace and I are about to take the stage, our chariot is turned back.

"What's going on?" I ask Hawkins and Kuina.

"Apparently, the fangirl riots over a shirtless Heathcliffe got out of hand, so they had to cancel the rest of the Chariot Rides," Kuina explains as our chariot pulls to a stop in front of the Training Center, where Shanks and Dr. Kureha are waiting for us.

"Hey, look, it's Hana Yakushi, Panem's sweetheart!" Shanks says before he kisses me on the lips. I bitch-slap him.

"Hey! I'm not legal!" I shout. Shanks chuckles.

"That kiss was kind of like a kiss between an uncle and his niece," Shanks explains.

"We should form an alliance," Dr. Kureha suggests.

"Maybe. I'll think about it," I say before Ace and I go inside and go into the elevator. We're not alone, since Robin is also in the elevator.

"Oh, hey! Look who's here! It's Hana Yakushi and Portgas D. Ace of District 12!" Robin shouts as the elevator goes up.

"And you must be Nico Robin of District 7. Nice to meet you," I comment. But, then, Robin then begins to strip off her Belle costume. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Taking off my costume. I wanted to be Eva Peron from my favorite musical, _Evita_, but my stylist wouldn't let me," Robin - who is now standing there only wearing her bra and a lacy, black thong - explains. Ace and I sweatdrop as the elevator stops. "Oh! That's my floor! I'll see you two soon!"

Robin steps off of the elevator and the elevator closes and continues to rise.

"We've met some interesting people, haven't we?" Ace asks me. I sigh.

"Yep. Especially Heathcliffe, Robin, and Shanks," I add as our elevator doors open.

"See you at dinner," Ace says.

"Yeah... See you," I say before I enter my room, where Nojiko is making my bed.

"Hey, Nojiko! I'm back!" I greet my Avox, who smiles and texts something on her phone.

**How's it hanging?**

**XOXO**

**- Nojiko, the Gossip Girl**

I sigh, which comes out as some sort of half-laugh half-sigh.

"Everything. Wanna hear everything that happened since I last left the Capitol?" I ask Nojiko, who nods. But, a familiar face enters, and I turn pale. "Kohza, what are you doing here?"

Kohza pulls out an iPad and types something out it. He shows what he wrote to me.

**- Begin Pesterlog Session -**

**Kohza_The_Avox: They cut my tongue out because I went out of town to get a battery for Head Peacekeeper Daz Bones.**

**- End Pesterlog Session -**

I scream.

"Noooooo! Not Kohza!" I scream.

* * *

**Ending Note: Review if you want to see Hana meet more Tributes.**


	25. Let's Make an Alliance

**Author's Note: **This chapter contains a lot of nerd humor. It's mainly Monty Python or Game of Thrones-related, since District 3 is the Nerds are Chic District and District 12 is the Monty Python District.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, _The Hunger Games_, Game of Thrones, or Monty Python.**

* * *

The next day, us Tributes begin to train.

"Remember: We're making alliances," Ace whispers to me.

"With who?" I ask.

"IDK. Night-night," Ace says before he lies down on the ground and falls asleep. I sweatdrop, even though I've come to expect this.

"_Why am I not surprised?_" I think to myself. Spandam clears his throat.

"Don't have sex. You WILL get pregnant and die. Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up. Just... Don't do it, promise?" Spandam explains. Every single Tribute in the room (minus Ace) sweatdrops. "Alright, everyone take some rubbers."

After that, we disperse. I end up at the shooting range with the brother and the sister from District 1.

"Look, Zoro, it's the Dead Parrot," The pink-haired girl says as she points to me.

"Dead Parrot? Perona, that joke is so twenty years ago. We just call Tributes from the Monty Python District either 'Upperclass Twits of the Year' or 'Dirty Forks'," Zoro, the green-haired brother, argues. I glare at Zoro and Perona.

"Tell me, ZORO, do you sleep all night and work all day? Do you cut down trees? Do you eat your lunch? Do you go to the lavit'ry? On Wednesdays, do you go shopping and have buttered scones for tea? Do you skip and jump? Do you love to press wildflowers? Do you put on women's clothing and hang around in bars? Do you wear high heels, suspendies, and a bra? And, do you wish you were a girlie just like your dear papa?" I ask. Zoro and Perona's eyes widen.

"Okay, then... We'll leave you alone," Perona says before she and Zoro walk away.

"Cool! You know the lumberjack song from Monty Python's Flying Circus?"

The two Tributes from District 3 run up to me.

"Of course, I do. I'm from District 12, the Monty Python District. They teach us that song in preschool to sing at our graduation," I explain. The two Tributes look to each other, and then to me.

"Cool! We're from District 3, the Nerds are Chic District!" The long-nosed boy says in awe.

"My name is Kaya, and this is Usopp," The girl introduces herself and her fellow Tribute.

"I'm Hana. You guys seem cool," I say.

"Yep! Back home, they used to call us 'Nuts and Volts' because we're two nerds who won the Hunger Games," Kaya explains. Usopp sighs.

"Now, they just call us 'Cripples, Bastards, and Broken Things' for some weird reason. We're not crippled, we're not illegitamite children, we haven't broken anything, and we're not illegitamite, cripped children who break things," Usopp points out. "I think it's because Game of Thrones is so popular back home."

"I like Game of Thrones. Jon Snow's so hot," I say with a swoon.

"Jon Snow? Really? As for me, I was always partial to Arianne Martell," Usopp explains.

"Speaking of Game of Thrones, want to make an alliance with us?" Kaya asks me.

"Sure... Why not?" I ask. Usopp pumps his fists.

"Bazinga!" Usopp says before we high-five each other.

That, my friends, is the start of a beautiful alliance.

After that, we decide to go over to the net-weaving station, where Heathcliffe and the ghost girl are.

"Hey, Heathcliffe, meet Usopp and Kaya!" I say as I introduce the sexy punk boy to the two District 3 Tributes.

"Oh, I already know them. The three of us mentored Hunger Games Tributes after we won our Games," Heathcliffe said.

"Yeah, Heathcliffe and I go way back. He calls me 'nerd boy' while I call him 'punk rock poser' in return. And, despite the insults, we always make time to watch horror movies or play video games," Usopp explains.

"Oh! Speaking of mentors, meet Isabella, my grandma," Heathcliffe says as he gestures to the ghost girl proudly.

"Hi," Isabella says with a wave of her hand. I sweatdrop.

"How did she become a ghost? And she's your GRANDMOTHER?" I cry. Heathcliffe shurgs.

"She just woke up like this one day a few weeks after winning her Games. And that was about fifty years ago," Heathcliffe explains. My jaw drops.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Is all I can cry.

"Don't think too much about it," Heathcliffe says with a wave of his hand.

"Wanna become allies in these Games?" Isabella asks me.

"I suppose," I say. "Do you guys know anybody we should avoid?"

"Akainu and Sadi-chan," Heathcliffe answers.

"Zoro and Perona. They're brother and sister to boot," Usopp explains.

"Crocodile and Doflamingo. They're constantly high," Isabella explains as she motions to Doflamingo and Crocodile. Both of them are high, and they're both staring at a lantern while laughing like Bevis and Butthead.

I think I can smell their pot from where I'm standing, which is several feet away.

* * *

"You did WHAT?" I ask Ace. It's the day where we show our stuff to the Gamemakers, and Ace just finished up his session.

"You heard me. I painted a picture of Bonney when she died," Ace says angrily. I can see that there are bags under his eyes.

"You know what? Go back to bed," I say before I enter the Gamemakers' room.

"Well, Hana, my little mellorine, what will you show off today?" Sanji asks me. With a smirk, I make a noose and tie the top of it to a pipe over my head. Then, I grab a traning dummy and fit its head through the noose. But, I'm not done. I then grab some camoflauge paint, dip my finger in it, and I write "Gecko Moria" on the dummy's face.

Needless to say, everyone in the room is shocked.

"You hung... Gecko Moria?" I ask in mock confusion. Sanji lights up a cigarette.

"Actually, no. He was pushed out of a 45th story window," Sanji explains. "You're free to go."

As I leave the room, I "accidentally" knock over the remaining buckets of camoflauge paint.

I regret nothing.

* * *

**Ending Note: Review if you want to see Hana's interview with Apoo!**


	26. One of These Tributes is a Communist

**Author's Note: **One of these Tributes is not like the others. Why? One of these Tributes may be a Communist.

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

* * *

The next night, it's interviews. Yay.

"Hawkins, you better not dress me as Sasuke," I warn.

"I won't, you stupid bitch. For these interviews, they want you to dress like a famous person from your District," Hawkins explains.

Turns out, Hawkins puts me in a dead parrot costume.

"Oh, by the way, Hana, you should imitate this parrot's final moments for Apoo," Hawkins says before he ushers me out of the room. I bump into Ace, who is wearing clothes from the early 1800's and carrying semaphore flags.

"Are you doing _Wuthering Heights_ in semaphore?" I ask Ace.

"You betcha!" Ace says.

I can smell the coffee on his breath.

* * *

The interviews are... Decent. Perona breaks down crying on-stage when she talks about the cruelty of the Hunger Games. Usopp and Apoo talk about how funny Jeanna Marbles is. Heathcliffe reads dark, emo poetry. The District 5 Tributes talk about how they have Adonis DNA and Tiger Blood. Matsu breaks down crying when she talks about her husband, Kartik. And, Kureha talks about how she's entering the Quell at 141 years young.

Then, it's my turn.

"Hey, Hana! How is Panem's sweetheart doing tonight?" Apoo asks me.

"Fine," I say as I sit down.

"Hana, we're going to do things a little differently here. I'm going to ask you a series of questions to see whether or not you're a Communist," Apoo explains.

"A Communist?" I ask.

"Well, Panem's kinda on the brink of revolution, and I just want to make sure you're not trying to start any underground movements," Apoo explains.

"Okay. Let the quiz begin," I say. Apoo clears his throat.

"The Hammers is the nickname for what English football team?" Apoo asks me. Obviously, I haven't seen the Communist Quiz sketch from Monty Python for a while, so I fudge it as best as I can.

"_The Hammers... Hammers... Ham..._" I think to myself to remember the answer.

"Time's up! It's West Ham!" Apoo answers. "Question two! Jerry Lee Lewis has had over seventeen solid gold hits in the U.S. of A. What's the name of the biggest?"

I think I know why Apoo is giving me this quiz. One of us Tributes is secretly a Communist. I have the feeling that it's either the District 5 girl or the District 9 boy. If not, it's either Kureha or Chopperman who is the Communist.

Come to think of it, Ace could be a Commie, too.

"Uhh... _Great Balls of Fire_?" I question.

"Correct!" Apoo shouts. "Well, Hana, if you get these next questions right, you will win this lounge set from IKEA!"

Apoo motions to the back of the audience, where a sofa, love seat, coffee table, recliner, bookshelf, end tables, pillows, and entertainment hutch from IKEA are.

"Really? Cool," I say.

"Final round!" Apoo shouts. "The development of the industrial proletariat is conditioned with what other development?"

Wait! I learned this from reading Hetalia fanfiction! I got this one!

"The development of the industrial bourgeois!" I answer.

"Correct!" Apoo yells, and the crowd cheers.

"Socialism!" The crowd yells.

"Hana, a struggle of class against class is a what?" Apoo asks me. Again, another concept I learned from reading Hetalia fanfiction starring either Russia or China.

"A politcal struggle!" I shout. The crowd cheers.

"Yes, that is correct!" Apoo announces. "Final question! Who won the English Football Cup in 1949?"

Wait, I didn't learn this from Hetalia OR Monty Python. I'll just guess on this one, since this quiz doesn't matter.

"Uhh... The Los Angeles Lakers?" I say. And, then, my Dead Parrot costume spontaneously combusts. I scream. "Help! My costume's on fire!"

All the Tributes in the audience have the same OMG face on their faces, but Hawkins in smirking. What the hell did he do?

"Stop, drop, and roll, man!" Apoo yells. I stop, drop, and roll until the flames are extinguished. When I get up, I notice that my Dead Parrot has turned into a Mockingjay.

Everyone in the crowd is silent.

"Uhh... Looks like we have some costume-ception going on here," Apoo says with a nervous laugh.

"FOR SOCIALISM!"

Then, everyone begins rioting.

"That's all we have for you today, Panem! Tributes, good luck tomorrow!" Apoo says before he runs off. All the Tributes take the stage.

"What do we do? Everyone's rioting!" Usopp cries.

"Okay, which one of you is a Communist?" I blurt out.

"Huh?" The rest of the Tributes cry. I shrug.

"Well, you all saw me take that Communist quiz!" I cry.

"That's because you're from the Monty Python District," Isabella points out.

"Shut up, Isabella!" I yell.

"I could always tell my supah jokes," Franky suggests.

"Your jokes suck," Perona points out.

"At least I'm not the goth bitch!" Franky retorts.

"People, people, please! We have more class than this!" Shanks yells. We all turn to him as he slowly pulls out a small guitar. "I think we can solve this through the power of music."

"Alright! Now you're talking! Play _House of Wolves_ by My Chemical Romance!" Heathcliffe says.

"Yeah, man! Play us a song about mad weed!" Crocodile yells. Shanks strums his guitar.

"Those songs aren't possible, but this is a song I'm sure we all know," Shanks says before he grabs Kureha's hand and the hand of the District 10 girl. We then all grab each others hands and sing _Kumbaya_, even as people riot in the background.

We are the best Hunger Games Tributes ever. I love these guys. Except Akainu and Sadi-chan. And Zoro and Perona.

* * *

**Ending Note: **Silly Hana, the Los Angeles Lakers are a basketball team. They didn't exist in 1949!

**Review if you want to see the Quarter Quell begin!**


	27. I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up!

**Author's Note: **Ladies and gentlemen, let the 70th Hunger Games begin!

**Disclaimer: I only own this fic and my OCs.**

* * *

The next day, Hawkins dresses me in my arena outfit, which is a red T-shirt with a yellow hammer and sickle on it, black skinny jeans, and black Converse sneakers.

"Hawkins, for the last time, I'm not a Communist," I point out.

"Well, I'm not the one who started a proletarian riot in the Capitol last night," Hawkins points out as he leads me to the launch pad. "Oh, just so you know, I'm going down to the casino today to bet on you. It's not illegal and it's not against my contract."

"You're going to be a rich man, Hawkins. With my Portal gun and my nakama, I got this," I say.

"Good luck, you stupid bitch," Hawkins says as the launch pad's door closes. Right as the launch pad rises, I see the men in black run in, hit Hawkins unconscious with a squeaky hammer, and drag him out of the room.

"Hawkins - I mean, my Sassy, Gay Friend!" I cry, since I can't do anything to save him.

* * *

**Hawkins' P.O.V.**

I didn't die for making Hana's Mockingjay costume she wore last night, THANK GOD!

Instead, those guys were the Gas Bill Police. They're putting me under house arrest, complete with ankle bracelet.

"We'll come back here in two hours, and if you don't have your gas bill paid by then, you're going to pay a visit to President Pwngoat," The Gas Bill Policeman explains before he leaves my house.

When he's out of sight, I grab a knife and slice the ankle bracelet off. I then spend two hours packing clothes, DVDs, books, food, and other items I need.

Right when the Gas Bill Police come back, I hop into my closet with all of my items.

"San Fransisco, here I come," I say as I run straight through the closet.

When I come out, I end up in somebody's bedroom in San Fransisco.

"What are you doing? What, what, WHAT are you doing?" I shout. The woman screams.

"What are you doing in my house?" The woman shouts. With a shrug, I grab my things and leave.

"Later, you stupid bitch!" I shout as I exit the house.

I think I'm gonna like it here in San Fransisco.

* * *

**Hana's P.O.V.**

When I'm lifted into the arena, I can see that the twenty-four of us are on small islands and we have to swim to the arena.

They're also wearing the same hammer-and-sickle T-shirts, the same jeans, and the same sneakers as me.

I think we're going to have a Communist revolution this year.

"_Ten... Nine... Eight..._"

I squint, looking at the Cornucopia on the distant island. For some weird reason, it's next to a pine tree.

"_Seven... Six..._"

I briefly scan the Cornucopia, and it's mostly got weapons. But, I do see my beloved Portal gun. Score!

"_Five... Four..._"

I wonder what Holden's doing right now. He's probably writing angsty punk rock songs about how much he misses me.

"_Three... Two... One... Let the Games begin!_"

Faster than you can say "Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?", I dive into the water and swim as fast as I can to the island. Heathcliffe, Isabella, and Ace are already there, and they have a scythe (Heathcliffe), a NERF gun (Isabella), and a portable coffee maker (Ace).

"Hurry! Get your prop replica of the gun from Portal and go! We don't have time to loiter!" Heathcliffe yells. With a nod, I run into the Cornucopia and grab my Portal gun.

"Oi, Dead Parrot!"

I turn around, and there's Perona, who is holding a mace. She smirks.

"Move, bitch!" I yell as I push her into Dr. Kureha. Upon hitting the ground, I hear a sickening crack from Dr. Kureha.

"Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!" Kureha cries as she presses a button on a necklace. Upon closer inspection, I notice that her necklace is a Life Alert necklace.

"_Life Alert's on its way!_" The Life Alert necklace shouts. With an angry huff, I make a couple portals with my gun. Zoro runs into one of them and the portal sends him into the portal back onto the shore... And right on top of Matsu.

Oops. I'd better fix that later.

"Hana, come on!" Isabella yells.

"Coming!" I shout back as I run to my allies.

* * *

Heathcliffe, Isabella, Ace, and I run until it's dark.

"The fuck are we?" Heathcliffe asks me, out of breath.

"Somewhere far from the Careers," I answer. "I think we should stop here for the night."

Heathcliffe, Isabella, and I stop running (or floating, in Isabella's case). Because he's still high on caffiene, Ace keeps running and he crashes into some type of invisible, electrical barrier. Upon making contact, Ace passes out. I facepalm.

"Ace, you idiot," I mumble under my breath. Heathcliffe takes off Ace's shirt and begins to do CPR on him.

"Don't worry, buddy, I won't let you end up as a ghost like Isabella!" Heathcliffe yells as he pushes up and down at Ace's chest. It works, since Ace awakens and slaps Heathcliffe across the face.

"Dude, I'm not gay for you. And, the last time I checked, you have a hot, Chinese girl back home that you like to have sloppy make-outs with," Ace explains seriously. Heathcliffe's expression darkens.

"How did you know?" Heathcliffe asks Ace.

"_Damnit! Keep doing CPR on Ace, Heathcliffe! I don't care that you have a girlfriend back home, just do it like the Yoruzuya Three!_" My inner yaoi fangirl shouts as I smile to myself. But, that smile turns to a frown when the seal of Panem is projected into the sky.

"_Howdy hey, Tributes!_"

"Hi, Daddy Whitebeard! I'm on T.V.!" Ace - still hyper on coffee - shouts before he passes out.

"_I've got some sad news - We've lost some of Panem's best and brightest. Memorial services for the Tributes who died today will be held at my place tomorrow. Cake and grief counseling will be offered. Oh, wait, the cake is a lie. Never mind_."

The pictures of both Tributes from Districts 5, 9, and 10, Crocodile, Matsu, Franky, Shanks, and Dr. Kureha are projected into the sky. Right when Matsu's picture is projected into the sky, I burst into tears.

"Why are you crying? Those people could've killed us," Isabella asks me.

"Matsu Takeshima is dead!" I cry. "Why was she too good for this sinful Earth?"

Heathcliffe and Isabella sweatdrop.

"Well, she WAS like a mother to me, so, yeah, it's sad," Heathcliffe adds.

* * *

**Third Person P.O.V.**

Crocodile - who was sober -, Matsu, Franky, Shanks, Kartik, and Dr. Kureha were in an empty Tributes' morgue with all of their suitcases.

"Where are we going?" Dr. Kureha asked everyone.

"We're getting out of here. This place isn't safe anymore," Kartik said.

"Hey! Who's in there?"

Kartik opened a closet door.

"We have to go! Now!" Kartik cried. With a nod, the "dead Tributes" ran into the wardrobe. When they came out the other side, they came out onto the Las Vegas Strip. The Tributes grew silent.

"Well then... Who wants to go gambling?" Shanks asked everyone.

* * *

**Hana's P.O.V.**

Right when we're about to go to sleep, Heathcliffe jumps back.

"Oh, shit! Is that... Poisonous fog?"

* * *

**Ending Note: Review if you want to see Hana fight Perona and Zoro.**


	28. Tik Tok, On the Clock

**Author's Note: **There's lots of P.O.V. switching in this chapter, but I still like it.

This chapter also has cameos from Bleach, Homestuck, and Harry Potter.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, _The Hunger Games_, the song _Tik Tok_, Bleach, Homestuck, or Harry Potter.**

* * *

It feels like Heathcliffe and I are in some twisted race - We're both running away from poisonous fog with Ace and Isabella on our backs.

"This sucks!" Heathcliffe cries. Isabella pimp-slaps Heathcliffe.

"Shut up!" Isabella yells. Heathcliffe stops running and takes Isabella off his back. I do the same with Ace.

"You know what? I'm not carrying you anymore!" Heathcliffe yells. Isabella crosses her arms.

"Fine! You're on you're on, Heathcliffe!" Isabella yells before she storms off toward the poisonous fog.

"Wait, Isabella! That's the poisonous fog!" Heathcliffe yells.

"I know that, dumbass! I'm going to the Soul Society without you!" Isabella yells back. "I'll see you after I begin work under Toushirou Hitsugaya!"

Isabella then floats into the poisonous fog. All of us have the OMG face.

"Bitch," Heathcliffe mutters under his breath.

* * *

**Isabella's P.O.V.**

Yeah! I made it! I finally passed on to the Soul Society!

"I'm going to work for Hitsugaya! I'm going to work for Hitsugaya!" I say in a sing-song voice as I skip down the streets of Rukonagi. But, I bump into the last person I want to see in the Soul Society.

"Hello, Isabella Sarutobi."

I am now face-to-face with Sosuke Aizen, the guy who betrayed the Soul Society.

Oh, shit.

* * *

**Hana's P.O.V.**

It's now down to myself, Heathcliffe, and Ace. It's now morning, and we're sitting on the beach.

"I miss home," I say with a sigh.

"We all do. In fact, I miss taking a hot shower," Heathcliffe says.

"I miss my yaoi," I say.

"I miss sleeping," Ace says.

"You know, you could do that right now," I point out.

"Oh, yeah! I can sleep here in the arena, too! Good-night!" Ace says before he falls asleep. Then, a monkey wearing an eye patch and wielding a shanking knife jumps from the sky. Right when he is about to stab Ace, Doflamingo jumps in front of Ace to take the stab hit.

"I see Double Rainbows..." Doflamingo says before he dies and a hovercraft picks him up. Heathcliffe and I sweatdrop.

"Where were we? Oh, yeah. I miss my girlfriend, Aki Chung-Feng," Heathcliffe says.

"Was she the Chinese girl at the Reaping?" I ask.

"Yep. She's really beautiful, but she has terrible nightmares about her Hunger Games," Heathcliffe explains.

"Weren't her Hunger Games a rehash of the movie _The Hangover_?" I ask. Heathcliffe sighs.

"Yep. To this day, Aki still has nightmares of being left on the roof of Caesar's Palace," Heathcliffe explains.

"There you are! We've been looking for you!"

Robin, Usopp, and Kaya approach us. Usopp is carrying a metal lunchbox and Kaya looks disturbed.

"Hey, guys! What happened to you?" I ask.

"Ch-Chopperman... He... HE'S DEAD!" Kaya shouts. I gasp.

"Oh, no! What happened?" I ask.

"Well, it all started when the great Captain Usopp and his crew were -" Usopp tells us before Heathcliffe cuts him off.

"Tell us the truth, Usopp. Nobody likes a consummate liar," Heathcliffe states. Usopp sighs.

"Emo boy," Usopp says under his breath. "Okay, here's what happened -"

* * *

***Begin Flashback, Several Hours Ago (Third Person P.O.V)***

_Chopperman, Robin, Usopp, and Kaya wandered the arena in search of their allies and/or food._

_"Ace? Ace? Where are you, buddy?" Chopperman called out._

_"Hana? Hana, can you hear me?" Robin called out._

_"Isabella? Are you here?" Kaya called out_

_"Hey, Heathcliffe Sarutobi the Emo Man-Whore, we found your girlfriend and she's naked! Come scre-" Usopp yelled before Robin put a hand over Usopp's mouth._

_"Why are you saying things like that? Aki could be watching, you know," Robin asked Usopp as she uncovered his mouth._

_"Oh, that was the signal Heathcliffe and I agreed on if we got seperated from each other in the arena," Usopp explained. The bushes around them began to rustle. "See, look, there's Heathcliffe right now. He's probably going to kill me for lying to him about his girlfriend, but, hey, I had a pretty decent life outside of the Hunger Games."_

_Then, Apis came out of the bushes with the Midnight Crew from Homestuck._

_"It's... It's Don Apis, new leader of the Midnight Crew! And Spades Slick! And Ace Dick! And Diamond Droog! And Hearts Boxcars!" Usopp cried. Apis snapped her fingers._

_"Gentlemen, we're whacking the racoon tonight," Apis told the Midnight Crew._

_"I'm a reindeer, not a human!" Chopper yelled before the Midnight Crew fired their Tommy guns at the Tributes. Usopp, Kaya, and Robin managed to duck into some bushes, where they saw Chopperman's corpse being taken away by a hovercraft._

_"Our work here is done, boys. Let's go," Apis told the Midnight Crew._

_"Where are we going next?" Spades Slick asked._

_"We're going to go take out The Felt," Apis said before she left with her mafia family. When the coast was clear, Usopp, Robin, and Kaya emerged from the bushes._

_"Oh, Dear Lord!" Kaya yelled._

***End Flashback, Revert to the Present***

* * *

**Hana's P.O.V.**

Wait... Holden's little sister killed Chopperman? How does this even compute?

"Chopperman wasn't much, but he was was a superhero back home. They were even going to make a musical about his life," Robin said sadly. We grow silent.

"Well... Let's set up camp," I say. True to my word, a few minutes later, we have a camp set up. Ace sleeps, Usopp fishes, Robin watches out for the other Tributes, Kaya hums a Ke$ha song to herself as she whittles something, I make a fire, and Heathcliffe strips off his shirt and shoes.

"What are you doing, Heathcliffe?" I ask.

"I'm gonna go take a bath. Got any soap?" Heathcliffe asks me.

"We don't," Kaya says. Heathcliffe gives us an annoyed sigh.

"Well, do you have any shampoo so I could at least wash my hair?" Heathcliffe asks us.

"Heathcliffe, this is a televised fight to the death, not a male beauty pageant. Right now, you should focus on your survival instead of your pretty-boy looks," Usopp explains bluntly. Heathcliffe glares at Usopp.

"The sponsors can send me something. As for you, they can just send you a can of canned bread," Heathcliffe says icily. We all grow silent. It's just like those awkward moments at summer camp.

"_Don't stop, make it pop. DJ, blow my speakers up. Tonight, I'mma fight 'til we see the sunlight. Tik tok, on the clock, but the party don't stop now. Woah, woah-oh. Woah, woah-oh_," Kaya sings. The rest of us sweatdrop.

"Usopp... What did you do to Kaya?" I ask the boy with the long nose.

"Well, Hana, I think Kaya went crazy when the Midnight Crew killed Chopperman," Usopp explains. "That, or, Kaya's in the mood for singing."

"Why Ke$ha though? She's a slut who can't sing," Heathcliffe asks Usopp, who shrugs.

"No clue," Usopp answers.

"_Don't stop, make it pop. DJ, blow my speakers up. Tonight, I'mma fight 'til we see the sunlight. Tik tok, on the clock, but the party don't stop now. Woah, woah-oh. Woah, woah-oh_," Kaya sings again. It's then that I realize something -

This area is shaped like a clock. Every hour, a new danger occurs in one of the sections. So far, we've seen poison fog, monkeys with shanking knives, and members of the mafia.

"Kaya, you're a genius!" I say as I glomp Kaya, who sweatdrops.

"Okay?" Kaya questions.

"What are you talking about?" Robin asks me.

"I'll tell you later," I say as I let go of Kaya.

"Oi, tell us what later?"

Zoro and Perona approach us. As if on cue, all of us (except for Ace) scream.

"Come at me, bro!" Heathcliffe yells as he brandishes his scythe.

"Captain Usopp is here to save the day!" Usopp yells as he gets out a slingshot and a giant hammer. Perona and Zoro are one step ahead of us, since Perona has a mace and Zoro has three katanas - Two in his hands and one in his mouth.

"Zoro, who should we kill first?" Perona asks Zoro, who points his katana at Kaya. "Fair enough. I get the Dead Parrot, the pretty-boy, and the sleeping guy."

As Perona steps toward me, I shoot my Portal gun right where she will step and then I make another Portal behind Zoro. Perona steps into the Portal and falls on top of Zoro right when he is about to stab Kaya in the shoulder. Then, things get downright weird. Right after Perona falls on Zoro, they fall on Kaya, and then all three of them fly off into the distance.

Heathcliffe, Robin, Usopp, and I sweatdrop right when Ace wakes up.

"What just happened?" Ace asks us.

"Uhh... I think the situation could be summed up like this - One of Zoro's swords is a Portkey, and he ended up flying off with Perona and Kaya," I explain.

"What the fuck?" Ace mouths. I sigh.

"These Games get weirder and weirder every year," Usopp comments. "I mean, I'm no stranger to this stuff. During my Games, our arena was the Playboy Mansion."

We laugh.

"Really? Well, during my Hunger Games, the District 1 girl sang a song by Justin Bieber, and her District partner had to duct tape her mouth shut. And this was during the Reaping," Robin says.

"At least her District partner did the right thing," Heathcliffe says. "Wanna know what happened during my Hunger Games?"

"Sure!" I say.

"Well, our arena was the swamp from _The Princess and the Frog_, and the arena outfits the Tributes had to wear were bathing suits. My stylist made me wear a rather short pair of swim trunks that ALMOST passed for a Speedo, because he said that Hot Topic didn't sell swimsuits. Well, sometime during my Games, I somehow got lice, and my sponsors sent me lye soap to get rid of it. Since I wasn't near a sink or anything, I had to wash my hair in the swamp. I felt filthy, and I had to wash my hair twice when I got out of the arena," Heathcliffe explains. We all laugh.

"I'm surprised nobody called you 'Swamp Head'," Usopp says. Heathcliffe's expression darkened.

"They did," Heathcliffe says darkly.

"Well, if it makes you feel better, I remember this one year where a Tribute from District 1 ordered a pizza during the interview. He won the Games, and they call him 'Pizza Sauce'," I say. Robin chuckles.

"Look at us. We're supposed to be killing each other slowly, but instead, we're all bonding," Robin notes.

"Can't say the same for Kaya, Zoro, and Perona," I add.

* * *

**Third Person P.O.V.**

Zoro's Portkey sent him, Kaya, and Perona to the last place you'd expect in this parody - Hogwarts.

"Oi, is this the Hunger Games arena?" Zoro asked the Boy Who Lived.

"Hunger Games? What are the Hunger Games?" Harry asked Zoro, who facepalmed.

"Look, have you heard of a nation called 'Panem'?" Zoro asked Harry.

"No, I haven't," Harry said before the bell rang. "Sorry, I can't talk. I have to get to class, or else Professor Snape will take away more points from Gryffindor."

Harry ran away from the lost Tributes, who sweatdropped.

"Next year, we're all going to play Sburb with John, Rose, Jade, and Dave instead of playing the Hunger Games," Zoro told Perona and Kaya.

* * *

**Ending Note: **Man, this chapter was crazy!

**Review if you want to see more craziness in the arena.**


	29. Call me, Maybe? Fat Chance!

**Author's Note: **Here, have another chapter, since nothing's happening on the site today.

Also, there's a semi-important author's note at the end.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, _The Hunger Games_, or the song _Call me Maybe_.**

* * *

**Hana's P.O.V.**

Later that day, I tell my allies about how the arena is like a clock.

"Really, Hana? You just figured that out?" Robin asks me.

"We figured it out when the Midnight Crew showed up," Usopp adds.

"I figured it out last night," Heathcliffe said.

"...The arena is shaped like a clock?" Ace asks us. We all facefault. At least there's somebody who got it after me.

"No shit, Sherlock," I say. "We've got to use this clock to our advantage to take out Akainu and Sadi-chan. Now, who's willing to die for our cause?"

"Not me," Usopp says.

"Count me out. There are tons of musicals I haven't seen yet," Robin says.

"Hell no. Why would I leave Aki alone and heartbroken?" Heathcliffe asks me.

"Why do you want somebody to die for this? It's not like you're Theon Greyjoy and you're sacking Winterfell to make your father proud," Ace asks me. Usopp puts his hand over Ace's mouth.

"Shh! This is a spoiler-free zone!" Usopp yells. Before any of us can add their two cents, Heathcliffe and I are flung back into the jungle.

"The fuck was that?" Heathcliffe asks me. I step foward, but some type of invisible wall blocks us.

"Okay, Heathcliffe, we can panic now. We are literally trapped in a glass case of emotion," I explain. Then, a white bird flies in front of me. I recognize it as a Jabberjay, a genetically-altered bird the Capitol used to eavesdrop on the rebels during the rebellion against Gol D. Roger. But, the Capitol stopped using them when they discovered that a little under half of the Jabberjays' recorded conversations were from phone sex hotlines.

Uhh... Yeah, I don't want to hear anything from a phone sex hotline.

"Uhh... Hana, you do know that these Jabberjays recorded some very sexual conversations, right?" Heathcliffe asks me. I nod. But, what comes out of the Jabberjay's mouth is much worse.

_Hey, I just met you_  
_And, this is crazy_  
_But, here's my number_  
_So, call me, maybe_

Heathcliffe and I scream.

"No! Not _Call me Maybe_! I hate this song!" Heathcliffe cries. I get into the fetal position and block my ears from hearing that annoying song.

"Why _Call me Maybe_ of all songs? I'd rather have _Friday_!" I scream. A half-hour later, Heathcliffe and I are freed from the so-called "glass case of emotion".

"_Call Me Maybe_. Is. The. Most. Annoying Song. Ever," Heathcliffe states as we approach Usopp, Robin, and Ace.

"How come you guys weren't forced to hear that?" I ask.

"I'm asleep," Ace mumbles in his sleep.

"Half of the people of District 3 are hipsters, since hipsters go hand-in-hand with trendy nerds," Usopp explains.

"I'm from the Musical District. We don't listen to Carly Rae Jepsen there," Robin explains. Then, a gift basket attached to a parachute floats down.

"Final-fucking-ly! We get something!" Heathcliffe comments as Usopp grabs the parachute.

"What did we get?" I ask as I jump down on the balls of my feet. Usopp hands me a note.

"This says everything we need to know. Make sure Heathcliffe, Robin, and Ace read it," Usopp explains. I read the letter, which says the following:

**Tonight, you must synchronize your watches. Every night at midnight, lightning strikes the tree next to the Cornucopia to signal a new day. The arena's clock isn't synchronized, so you must find a way to synchronize it with some rudimentary tools so we don't cause a paradox and end up in Limbo like in _Inception_. Don't worry, you will be fine.**

**Enclosed with this note are the following items:**

**- Five dozen donuts**

**- Shampoo, conditioner, and soap (for Heathcliffe; We don't want any repeats of the "Swamp Head" fracas)**

**- A switchblade (for Robin, because she looks bored and she looks like she wants to play a knife game)**

**- A Nintendo DSi (for Usopp, because he looks bored. There's also a knife game for the DSi that just came out that we would like him to test)**

**- Extra-caffinated coffee from Starbucks (You obviously know who this is for. If not, then consider yourself an epic fail)**

**- A yaoi doujinshi (For Hana. It's mainly Grell x Sebastian, Shizuo x Izaya, England x America, and Tamaki x Kyouya)**

**And, that's about it. Have fun, kids.**

The note isn't signed. But, the important thing is that I have yaoi!

"Kyaaaaa! They sent me yaoi!" I scream like a fangirl as I jump up and down. My allies sweatdrop.

"You're a yaoi fan? Interesting," Robin remarks. Everyone else gives me odd looks.

"Well, let's put our stuff to good use," Usopp says. We then spend our time either washing up in the water (Heathcliffe), drinking coffee (Ace), reading yaoi (me), looking for food (Robin), playing video games (Usopp), or eating donuts (all of us). It feels like a family, but in a very weird way.

Right when we dig into our second round of donuts, something beeps from inside Usopp's lunch box.

"What is it?" Heathcliffe asks as he dries his hair with his shirt. Usopp opens his lunch box and pulls out a coil of wire.

"It's time..." Usopp says. I look up to the sky, and it's dark out.

"What time is it?" I ask.

"About eleven. We have one hour to execute this," Usopp says. Man! Where did the time go?

"Well, let's do this," I say as I get up from the ground. I then put my hand out. "All for one -"

Everyone else puts their hands on top of mine.

"AND ONE FOR ALL!"

* * *

**Ending Note (The important one): **Well, we're almost done with the _Catching Fire_ section of the parody, which means that the third and final part of the fic, the parody of _Mockingjay_, will come soon. But, before I post the first chapter of the _Mockingjay_ parody, I will post my 50th fanfic. I'm keeping mum on the details on it, but, I'm gonna reveal who the main character is - Jewelry Bonney. So, now's the time to guess the plot for my 50th fic.

**Review if you want to see Usopp, Ace, Heathcliffe, Robin, and Hana's plan put into motion!**


	30. What the Crapola Happened Here?

**Author's Note: **And, so, here's the last installment of the _Catching Fire_ part of the story. The _Mockingjay _part will be up after I post my 50th fic.

**To my Guest Reviewer - **Yes, the upcoming fic is about hipsters.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or _The Hunger Games_. Need I say more?**

* * *

Right now, Robin and I are watching Heathcliffe, Usopp, and Ace wrap the wire around the giant tree. We've got only a few minutes left before the lightning hits, and so far, we've just spent our time wrapping wire around a tree.

"Usopp, what the hell are Robin and are supposed to do? You can't waste all of our plan doing this?" I cry.

"Don't worry your pretty head, Hana! We just finished!" Ace says before he jumps from the tree with Heathcliffe and Usopp. It kinda fails, since Heathcliffe lands on top of Usopp.

"Dude, for the last time, I'm not gay for you," Usopp calmly explains as he pushes Heathcliffe off of him. Usopp then gives me the end of the wire that hasn't been wrapped around the tree. "Here, you and Robin take this wire to the shore and anchor it there. Then, you'd better get the hell off of the beach, since water plus wire plus electricity equals death."

With a nod, Robin and I run to the shore and tie the wire to a rock. I then throw the rock into the water.

"Come on, let's go!" Robin says before we run back. But, halfway to the tree, Robin pushes me down to the ground.

"What the hell?" I cry. Robin places her hand over my mouth and stabs me in the upper arm with her knife. Robin digs around a bit until she pulls out my tracker with the knife. She then lets go of my mouth and I slap her. "What the hell?"

"I was trying to keep you safe!" Robin cries as she points to Sadi-chan, who is walking by. I get up and brush myself off.

"Let's go. We only have a minute or so," I say before we run back to the tree. At the tree, Ace is asleep, Usopp is passed out, and a dead Akainu is being carried away by a hovercraft.

"Usopp!" I cry. Immediately, Usopp re-gains some consciousness.

"Grab the wire..." Usopp moans before he passes out. I grab the wire end hanging from the tree with my Portal gun-free hand.

"Hana, help! This crazy bitch wants to spank me!"

Then, I see Heathcliffe, with Sadi-chan chasing him. I use this time to shoot a portal right in front of Sadi-chan. However, right when I'm about to make the next portal, the lightning strikes and I get electrocuted. While I was being electrocuted, I miss my target and end up hitting the force field, which explodes on impact.

Robin, Usopp, Heathcliffe, and Ace give me dirty looks that I can recognize through the fire and the smoke.

"Nice going, Hana! You weren't supposed to blow up the arena!" Ace yells.

"Uhh... Oops?" I say before a hovercraft's claw lifts me up.

That's all I remember before I pass out.

* * *

When I awake, I'm on the hovercraft with Sanji, Thierry (who is passed out), Heathcliffe, Usopp, and, to my surprise, Holden.

"Good going, Hana, you weren't supposed to shoot the shitty force field!" Sanji yells.

"Sorry. I lost control when I was trying to shoot a portal," I say. "But, anyway, what am I doing here?"

"We had to get you out of there. Apparently, a full-on rebellion has started in Panem, and they elected you as the revolutionary figurehead. Plus, I want to lose my virginit -" Holden says before Sanji cuts him off.

"Do NOT go there! This little mellorine shouldn't hear those things!" Sanji yells before he turns to me. "Add to that, almost everyone you spoke to the past week was in on our plan. Well, everyone except Zoro, Perona, Akainu, and Sadi-chan, since they're basically jerks."

"How did you not know, Hana? Hell, even Sanji's nice watch gave you a clue of things to come," Usopp explains. Sanji then pulls out his watch with a Mockingjay on it.

"I got this watch at a yard sale, and nobody questioned why I bought it at a yard sale. Haters gonna hate," Sanji explains.

"Sanji, the arena!" Heathcliffe reminds Sanji.

"Oh, yeah, the arena. So, basically, I showed you my watch to give you kind of a heads-up for your arena, and that whole 'synchronize your watches' note I sent you was because I needed to get you out of there at exactly midnight," Sanji explains. "Unfortunately, we could not save Victors Aki Chung-Feng, Sadi-chan, Nico Robin, and Portgas D. Ace, since the Capitol got to them."

I slap Sanji across the face.

"How in the world did you manage to miss both Ace AND Robin? They were right there!" I cry.

"I was the one who operated the claw that lifted you, Heathcliffe, and Usopp into the hovercraft. I accidentally dropped Ace and Robin. Sorry," Holden explains as he nervously rubs the back of his neck. All of us grow silent.

"Where are we going?" I ask. Sanji sighs.

"This may be a bit surprising, but... We're going to District 13," Sanji announces.

"But, I thought -" I say before Sanji cuts me off.

"Hush, my little mellorine," Sanji tells me in a lovey-dovey voice before going serious. "Well, during Gol D. Roger's rebellion, the citizens of District 13 agreed to make District 13 into a shopping mall so the Capitol could leave them alone and because the mall is just outside of the Free City of Pentos. Don't worry about where you'll be staying, since the residents of District 13 are letting us stay at the Courtyard by Marriott of the Free City of Pentos for the time being."

I facepalm. This sounds really stupid.

"This is ridiculous and stupid. Can't we just go to District 12?" I ask Sanji.

"Uhh... About that..." Holden says, trailing off. I grab Holden's hands.

"Holden, it's okay! Tell me what happened!" I cry. Holden sighs.

"Well, there is no District 12," Holden explains. "Around the time Sanji began his rescue mission to get you out of the arena, President Pwngoat and his people went to the outskirts of District 12 to light a bonfire and have some sort of party Well, there was some drinking involved, maybe some drugs, but, we know one thing - Somebody threw a propane tank into the bonfire, and the bigger fire burned everything in the District except for the Victor's Village."

I begin crying. How could one drunk guy at a party burn down my home District?

"Noooo! Where am I going to buy my black market yaoi now?" I sob.

**End of the _Catching Fire_ Parody.**

* * *

**Ending Note: **In the words of South Italy from Hetalia, "What the crapola happened here?"

**Review if you want to see District 13, the District inside of a mall!**


	31. Las Tiendas y el Hotel de la Ageha

**Author's Note: **Well, let's begin the last third of this fic.

**Warning: Random Spanglish/Spanish speaking in this chapter. All Spanish words will be in italics.**

**Disclaimer: I only own my OCs.**

* * *

**Alt. Titles: "It's Dalton-ception, man!" and "Casa de me Padre".**

It's been a few days since a mad party got out of hand and burned down my District, and I'm wandering the ruins. The owner of the District 13 mall, Ageha Midori, almost didn't let me go because she said I needed to work.

True to Holden's word, only the Victors' Village is still standing. The only indication of a drunken party near a bonfire gone way wrong is a broken and bent propane tank on my front lawn.

With a sigh, I enter my house, expecting it to be ransacked. But, I'm met with the weirdest sight - Bepo is sitting on the couch in his boxers eating popcorn while watching Cops.

"Uhh... I can explain," Bepo says to me.

"You can explain later. Right now, pack your things. We're going to be living in a hotel for a while, so deal with it," I say icily. Bepo crawls to his emo corner and curls up in the fetal position.

"I'm sorry I was born a bear. I want to be reborn as a stack of waffles," Bepo says sadly. A man wearing green enters the house.

"Who are you?" I ask.

"The name's Dalton. It says in the script that I play a Hunger Games character named 'Dalton'," Dalton explains.

"Dalton-ception?" I ask.

"Yep," Dalton says with a nod. "Come on, we have to go to District 13 so we can get work for you."

"Ageha already got me a job there. I start tomorrow," I say.

"Hey, be grateful! If it weren't for that union strike, you wouldn't have a job at the District 13 Shopping Mall!" Dalton scolds me.

* * *

I manage to drop off Bepo at the hotel (Courtyard by Marriott of the Free City of Pentos; that's a mouthful to say) and get to the mall just in time for the staff meeting. Joy.

Most of the people in my life - even the ones I meet a week ago - are also going to work at the District 13 Shopping Mall, save for my mom and Aria, who decided to work at the nearby hospital. Heathcliffe and Holden will be working at their favorite store, Hot Topic, Usopp will be working at the Apple store, Thierry will be a janitor due to his alcoholism, Alvida will work at JCPenny, Kaku and Tsuru will work at Target, and Sanji and his assistant, Shakky, will work Baratie, a fancy restaurant near the mall.

What job did I get? Ageha made me work at Hot Dog on a Stick! I mean, what the hell? I'm a Hunger Games Victor who survived TWO CONSECUTIVE GAMES! I deserve something better!

"What's wrong Hana?" Usopp asks me as I storm into the meeting room and sit down.

"I don't wanna work at Hot Dog on a Stick! I'm a Hunger Games Victor, so I deserve better! Plus, that name is misleading! Shouldn't it be called 'Corn Dogs' since hot dogs on sticks are corn dogs?" I ask Usopp.

"Hana, you're crazy," Heathcliffe says.

"Oh, really? Well, aren't you going crazy because you're worried that the Capitol is doing bad things to Aki?" I retort. Heathcliffe's complexion turns pale.

"You... You got me," Heathcliffe says. Then, Ageha enters. She doesn't look like the owner of a mall, she looks more like someone who just graduated college with her blonde hair, blue eyes, and casual outfit. Honestly, I think she twenty-three.

"_Buenas tardes, amigos_," Ageha greets us. Did I mention that Ageha speaks Spanish and likes to use Spanish and/or Spanglish in her conversations.

"_Buenas tardes, Senorita Midori_," We greet back with no emotion. It's like Spanish class, but we're in the middle of a war.

"So, today, we're going to watch T.V., since I heard that Scratchman Apoo will be interviewing Ace. _Comprende_?" Ageha asks us.

"_Comprende, senorita_," I say sarcastically. Ageha smiles.

"_Bueno_. Let's watch some T.V.!" Ageha says cheerfully as she turns on the T.V. Sure enough, Apoo is interviewing Ace.

"_I'm here with one of the Victors of the 69th Hunger Games, Portgas D. Ace. Ace, what do you have to say to the people of Panem, who are now at war with the Capitol?_"

Apoo holds the microphone to Ace, who looks very upset.

"_Why can't we all just be friends? Let's stop fighting, bake cookies, and watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic!_"

Ace begins crying really hard. Ageha decides to turn off the T.V.

"Okay! You're all dismissed for the day! Have an _excelente_ afternoon!" Ageha says before we leave the room. "Hana, _chica_, please stay, _por favor_."

"Okay," I say as I sit back down. Once everyone leaves the room, Ageha shuts the door.

"You have to be _el Sinsajo_," Ageha tells me. I just tilt my head. (1)

"_Qué quiere decir 'el Sinsajo' en Inglés_?" I ask Ageha, who facepalms. (2)

"_Quiere decir 'Mockingjay', tonto_," Ageha tells me. From her tone of voice, I can infer that she just called me an idiot. (3)

"You mean the figurehead of the revolution? Sure..." I say. "That is, IF you let my sister's pet bear live with us in the hotel, you pardon all Tributes, you rescue Aki, Ace, and Robin, and I get to off President Pwngoat."

Ageha ponders this for a moment.

"Sure. HOWEVER, the bear stays in a kennel. _Comprende, chica_?" Ageha asks me. I sigh.

"_Comprende_," I answer half-heartedly. Ageha claps her hands and jumps up and down like a giddy schoolgirl.

"i_Perfecto_! You begin work tomorrow at ten o'clock on the dot. _Adios, amigo_," Ageha says.

"Uhh... _Hasta manana_," I say before I exit the room hastily.

Ageha Midori, you are so totally bipolar. And you speak Spanglish. I should be scared of you.

* * *

**(1) **- "El Sinsajo" means "Mockingjay" in Spanish.

**(2)** - "How do you say 'El Sinsajo' in English?"

**(3)** - "You say 'Mockingjay', idiot."

**Review if you want to learn more Spanish from Ageha.**


	32. Why is my Prep Team in Mall Jail?

**Author's Note: **More people from Hana's life get jobs in District 13. Who are they? You'll see.

**Disclaimer: I only own my OCs.**

* * *

Well, it's my first day working, and Ageha has given me my schedule that I have to follow every Monday through Friday. It goes like this:

**8:30 - Wake up**  
**9:00 - Breakfast**  
**9:30 - Go to the District 13 Shopping Mall for work**  
**10:00 - 6:00 p.m. - Work. Lunch is 12:00 - 1:00 and another break is 3:00 - 3:30**  
**6:00 - Go back to the Courtyard by Marriot**  
**6:30 - Dinner**  
**7:00 - 11:00 - Downtime**  
**11:00 - Bedtime**

Hmmm... Only four hours of free time? Gee, that sucks.

Add to that, I'm working at Hot Dog on a Stick. It sucks. However, the only time I can catch a break is at lunch, since I'm eating with Holden, Shakky, and Sanji.

"Ew! Don't blow that into my face!" I cry. Shakky is a chain-smoker (and a pot smoker, from what I can surmise), and she just blew her cigarette smoke into my face.

"Sorry," Shakky says as she puts out her cigarette. We continue to eat in silence.

"So, Hana, we're going to start filming you for pro-rebel commercials called 'propos'," Sanji explains.

"Okay?" I say with a puzzled expression on my face. "Why do you call them 'propos'?"

"I thought of the name when I was high last night," Shakky explains. Yep, I was right. Shakky is also a stoner.

"These commercials will help the revolutionaries out with the anti-President Pwngoat cause, and they will help us win this revolution like we're from the Charlie Sheen District," Sanji explains.

"Don't worry, Hana, I'll be in those commercials too. We'll fight together, like what the opening theme song to One Park said," Holden explains. I smile.

"Okay, I'll be in your commercials!" I say joyfully. Sanji eyes Holden.

"You're just saying that because Holden's in them," Sanji explains. "Anyway, come with me. There's some people I'd like you to meet."

Sanji takes Holden and I downstairs, all the way to mall security.

"Mall security?" I ask. With a shrug, Sanji opens the door, and three familiar faces stare at me.

"Kaoru, Mina, Marigold, what are you guys doing here?" I ask.

"I accidentally stole a bracelet from Forever 21," Mina answers.

"I got into a fight with the cashier at McDonald's because he didn't put pickles in my Quarter Pounder," Kaoru answers.

"I beat up a woman at Macy's because she bought the skirt I wanted," Marigold answers. I sweatdrop.

"You're... Kidding?" I ask.

"Nope. We're not. After they broke you out of the arena, we had to run for our lives with only the clothes on our backs," Kaoru explains as the five of us begin walking back to the staff lounge.

"So... How's Ace? Robin? Aki? Sadi-chan?" I ask, hoping to brighten up the mood. Mina sighs.

"You remember Kuina, Ace's stylist, right? Well... She died, and the Capitol accidentally broadcasted her death on the latest episode of 'Keeping Up With the Kuina-Dashians'," Mina explains sadly. I open my mouth in shock.

"Oh, no. Did somebody kill her?" I ask.

"No. She tripped and fell down a flight of stairs," Kaoru adds. I sweatdrop.

"Well, then..." I say with a nervous laugh. "So... How are the rest of the Victors holding up? Why aren't they working here at the mall?"

Mina sighs.

"The Capitol arrested four of the non-rebel Victors - a guy from District 5, a girl from District 1, a girl from District 3, and a guy from District 8 -, tortured them for info on you, and killed them when their interrogations were done. After that, all of the other Victors heard of a mass 'Victor's Purge', so they packed up their things, hopped into wardrobes, and sought asylum in exotic places like Sweden and Hong Kong," Mina explains sadly. I sigh.

"At least they got out of Narnia's sad remains safely," I point out.

* * *

**Third Person P.O.V.**

A Victor and his two kids, a teenaged son and daughter, were riding the World's tallest escalator at Escalatorland in New Jersey.

"When do we get to the ride?" The Victor's son asked his father.

"This is the ride," The Victor replied.

"Yipee!" The Victor and his son yelled. The Victor's daughter facepalmed.

"We should've fled to London. At least they have Benedict Cumberbatch," The Victor's daughter muttered to herself. (1)

* * *

**Hana's P.O.V.**

It's 6:00 p.m., and I'm FINALLY clocking out of work. Working at a Hot Dog on a Stick is way more boring and degrading than it is.

As I make my way to the exit to the mall, I pass Hot Topic, where Heathcliffe and Holden are window-shopping after a long day working there. I swear, Heathcliffe and Holden are long-lost brothers. Not only do they both have the last name of Sarutobi, they also like punk rock and they have girlfriends.

"Heathcliffe! Holden!" I call out. The two turn their heads to me.

"Hey, Hana! Wanna walk back to the hotel with us?" Holden asks.

"Sure!" I yell back. The next thing I know, the three of us are walking back to the Courtyard by Marriott of the Free City of Pentos, which is still a mouthful to say. But, Heathcliffe looks kind of sad.

"What's wrong, Heathcliffe?" I ask.

"I'm just worried about Aki. I have the feeling that President Pwngoat's people are taking advantage of her even as I speak. It sucks," Heathcliffe explains. We stop walking.

"Heathcliffe, as the Mockingjay, I will make sure Aki gets rescued and is brought back to you!" I say.

"And I'm gonna do a paternity test to see if we're related!" Holden tells Heathcliffe.

"What?" I cry. Holden grabs my hands.

"Look, Hana, I think Heathcliffe is my brother. Not only are we very close, we like basically the same things. If not, then I'm adopting him," Holden explains. We turn back to Heathcliffe.

"Say no more, pretty-boy. We're gonna get your pretty girl back to you," I smiles.

"Thanks, guys! You're the best friends - or possibly brother, in Holden's case - ever!" Heathcliffe says before the three of us share a really awesome group hug.

Maybe the District 13 Shopping Mall isn't so bad.

* * *

**(1) **- Because Benedict Cumberbatch is a fine man. On a related note, happy birthday, Benedict!

**Review if you want to see tons of Portal shout-outs.**


	33. Now You're Thinking With Portals

**Author's Note: **This is the part in the story where references to Portal increase dramatically. I shall now describe this part of the parody as "_Mockingjay _meets Portal meets a romantic comedy".

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or _The Hunger Games_. Also, the cake is a lie.**

* * *

Business is really slow the next day. So slow, that Holden and Heathcliffe are the only customers.

"Aren't you guys supposed to be at work?" I ask.

"Ageha wanted us to tell you that Usopp has a surprise for you," Heathcliffe explains. I clasp my hands in excitement.

"Is it -" I ask excitedly before Holden cuts me off.

"No, it's not yaoi. You can thank the brave souls who work at Apeture Science for this one," Holden explains as the three of us begin to walk to the Apple store, where Usopp works.

"There you guys are! Welcome to the Genius Bar! What can I do for you three Apple product users today?" Usopp asks us as we approach the Genius Bar, the part of the store where Usopp works.

"The cake is a lie," Holden whispers to Usopp. Usopp nods.

"Follow me. The Enrichment Center is committed to the well-being of all participants. Cake and grief counseling will be avaliable at the conclusion of the test. Thank you for helping us help you help us all," Usopp explains before we are led into the back room of the store. On the wall hangs three weapons - A gothic-looking scythe, two flintlock pistols, and -

It's my Portal gun! Usopp stole my Portal gun from the Capitol!

"Usopp, I love you!" I yell as I hug the long-nosed Tribute. Heathcliffe pushes me off of Usopp and hugs him.

"Usopp, you're the best nerd ever! You got me the darkest, most gothic scythe I have ever seen! I love ya, man!" Heathcliffe gushes.

"I'm straight! I'm straight! I'M STRAIGHT!" Usopp yells as he pushes Heathcliffe to the ground. Usopp then glares at Holden. "Why aren't YOU saying anything about your weapons?"

"Eh... They're pretty bitchin', I guess," Holden says. Usopp karate chops Holden.

"You should be grateful! They're from District 8!" Usopp yells.

* * *

That evening, Usopp, Heathcliffe, Holden, Shakky, Sanji, and I head to the top of the parking garage to film our first propo.

We have cars in Panem?

"Alright, Hana, all you have to do for this propo is to say some shit," Shakky explains.

"Like what?" I ask.

"Punk's not dead," Heathcliffe suggests.

"A goat can't run this country," Usopp suggests.

"Free us from that evil goat," Holden suggests.

"We fight for peace in Panem," Sanji suggests.

"Smoke mad weed every day. YOLO," Shakky suggests. We all glare at her.

"You need to go to rehab. Or at least get some nicotine patches," Sanji bluntly tells Shakky. Ironically, Sanji is smoking a cigarette as he says this. With a shrug, Shakky takes a cigarette from Sanji's box and lights it up.

"YOLO," Shakky says before taking a drag from her cigarette. Sanji sighs.

"Three, two, one... Action," Sanji says before turning on his camera.

"Citizens of Panem, now is the time to fight against that evil goat known as President Pwngoat. Let's make him into goat cheese and goat milk!" I proclaim before Sanji turns off the camera.

"God, you guys suck."

Thierry drunkenly stumbles toward us. I look to Shakky, Sanji, Holden, Usopp, and Heathcliffe for answers.

"He got drunk on the job." Is all Usopp states.

* * *

"iAy, Dios Mio! You guys suck."

The next day, we show Ageha the propo, and she doesn't like it.

"I'm not surprised. It was my first time," I retort.

"That's what she said," Holden mouths. Ageha sighs.

"Alright, then. For our next propo, can anybody think of a time where Hana did something nice to you? Speak up, amigos," Ageha encourages us.

"Well, for starters, Hana makes me proud to be from District 3, the Nerds are Chic District. We do everything nerdy together - Watch Game of Thrones, quote Monty Python, play Portal, that stuff. She's the reason why I stole her beloved Portal gun from the Quarter Quell arena," Usopp explains.

"Hana's a fucking awesome friend. When I'm with her, I forget all of my troubles, such as the fact that Aki's being tortured in the Capitol as we speak," Heathcliffe explained.

"Our make-out sessions ae so fucking hot," Holden says.

"Look, chico, nobody wants to hear about your love life. Comprende?" Ageha states.

"Hana can vaporize people we don't like," Sanji states.

"Hana's a darling girl to work with," Mina adds.

"Hana saved us from mall jail," Marigold adds.

"Hana actually tolerates _Lestat_!" Kaoru adds, which is not true.

"Hana gives me free booze when Ageha's not looking, and - Oops! Was I supposed to say that?" Thierry adds before he catches what he said.

"Thierry, I think it would be in your best interests if you leave this meeting now," Ageha explains sternly. With a sigh, Thierry grabs his whiskey bottle and leaves. "Anyway, I selected the following people to go to District 8 to film a propo - Hana Yakushi, Holden Sarutobi, Sanji, Shakky, Iceburg, Paulie, and Smoker."

"Excuse me, Agaha, who are Iceburg, Paulie, and Smoker?" I ask.

"You'll meet them in District 8. Hurry up, since you leave in ten minutes," Ageha says. With our heads held high, Holden and I leave the room.

"So, who do I have to vaporize in District 8? A steampunk version of GLaDOs?" I ask. Holden chuckles.

"No. Ageha wants us to film commercials there," Holden points out.

"Well, that sucks," I say. Holden shrugs.

"Be glad we're getting paid," Holden tells me.

* * *

**Ending Note: Review if you want to see Makino.**


	34. Makino vs Mashy Spike Plate!

**Author's Note: **Nothing much to say, except the crew from _Inception_ makes a cameo in this chapter, since I was too lazy to find two One Piece characters to play the brother and the sister in the hospital.

**Disclaimer: I still don't own anything and the cake is still a lie.**

* * *

When we get on the hovercraft, we meet Smoker, Paulie, and Iceburg. Smoker is Ageha's right-hand man who wears bands of cigars under his fur jacket, Iceburg is a guy with purple hair and an orange suit, and Paulie wears a motorcycle jacket.

"Oh, Dear Lord! Change your clothes, Mockingjay! You have no shame!" Paulie yells at me. I look down to my T-shirt that says "Yaoi: The Best Thing Since Sliced Bread", blue jeans, and Converse sneakers.

"I'm not dressed like a whore," I point out.

"It's your T-shirt, darling. YAOI DISGUSTS ME! And, don't even get me started on M-preg!" Paulie yells. Iceburg tapes Paulie's mouth shut.

"Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver. Now, then, shall we go to District 8?" Iceburg asks us.

* * *

When we step foot on the streets of District 8, the burning buildings and various steampunk instruments are burned into my mind. There's even a corpse or two in the streets.

Needless to say, I've got a death grip on my Portal gun.

"Where are we going?" Holden asks.

"You'll see," Sanji tells us. A green-haired woman who looks panicked runs up to us.

"You must be Hana," The woman says.

"That's me," I say.

"M-My name is Makino. Come, right this way," Makino says before we follow her. "We're so glad to have you in District 8, the Steampunk District. This is where the revolution began, and there's still some fighting, despite the fact that the rebels have taken over the District."

"I see. So, where are you taking us?" I ask.

"The hospital. Our little sick and injured rebels want to see you before you do your filming," Makino explains as we approach a hospital.

"Too late, my camera's on," Paulie says as he fiddles with his video camera. We enter the hospital and, sure enough, sick and injured people are chilling in the lobby.

"Is it really her? Hunger Games Victor-turned-rebel Hana Yakushi?"

"Over here, Hana!"

"Send me an autograph to my house! My name is Hogback, and I live in District 4!"

"I want your Portal gun!"

"Hana, do you support Gamzee x Tavros or Gamzee x Karkat?"

"Hana, are you single? I'm a single man named Aokiji, and I live in District 6!"

"Your Hunger Games were the best Hunger Games ever, since that one guy was asleep."

A guy approaches me, and I recognize him.

"Eames?" I cry out. Did my dream of Arthur and Eames getting married in the Hamptons come true?

"And Ariadne," Ariadne adds as she approaches me.

"What brings you two to Panem?" I ask. Shouldn't they be in Limbo? Or at least in Los Angeles, Paris, Tokyo, or Mombasa?

"We're trying to do an Inception. We're supposed to be in Los Angeles right now," Ariadne says as she motions to Arthur, Cobb, Saito, and Yusuf, who are asleep on the floor.

"Uhh... This isn't Los Angeles. This is District 8," I point out. Eames' expression darkens.

"GET OUT, DARLING!" Eames yells. The next thing I know, I'm on the sidewalk with Holden, Shakky, Sanji, Makino, Smoker, Iceburg, and Paulie.

"Can someone tell me what just happened?" Holden asks us.

"The _Inception_ crew hates us now," I answer.

_I got this little kitty about 2 months back,_  
_He was the nicest little kitty, now a pain in my crack._  
_This little kitty is ninja always stalking my feet._  
_This little kitty is a warrior, you know what I mean._  
_He's an evil little kitty, look what he did to my hand._  
_Tries to get in trouble in any way that he can._  
_I can give this cat a toy but he'd rather have the wrapper._  
_When I always give him water but he still drinks_ -

We sweatdrop as Smoker pulls out his phone.

"Sorry, that's my ringtone," Smoker says to us before answering his call. "Hello? Glitter bombs? Mary Sues?"

I gasp as Smoker hangs up.

"We have to get the fuck out of here! The Capitol's gonna drop glitter bombs on us, and if we get hit, we'll all turn into Mary Sues!" Smoker yells. We scream.

"Run for your lives and sanities!" I shout.

"But, where? We're not safe from the glitter bombs no matter where we go!" Sanji cries.

"Follow me," I say before I take off running. A few minutes later, we end up on a rooftop.

"Are you crazy? We're all gonna turn into Mary Sues because of you!" Smoker yells. I equip my Portal gun.

"Not if I vaporize the bombs," I say as I shoot some Portals into the sky. It doesn't work, since the Capitol hovercrafts keep dropping glitter bombs everywhere, including the hospital. "No! Not the _Inception_ crew!"

With tears in my eyes, I set my Portal gun to "vaporize", and I begin to vaporize some of the hovercrafts.

"Where did Makino-swan go? Did she go back to the hospital?" Sanji cries.

"Oh, no! Makino's too nice to become a Mary Sue!" I cry.

"Stand back, bitches!"

We turn back, and we are met with the most WTF-inducing sight - Makino with a machine gun.

"Uhh... Okay," I say as we step back. Then, with her machine gun, Makino begins shooting down all of the hovercrafts.

"Shoot down all of the hovercrafts! ALL OF THEM!" Makino yells. When the dust settles, Paulie points his camera at me.

"Say something," Iceburg mouths. I clear my throat.

"People of Panem, we fight together, like that song from One Park! We're just like the Pimp Hat Pirates who unite against one common enemy. But, instead of fearsome pirates and the Navy Seabees, we fight against President Pwngoat! So, go download the latest version of Sburb or Sgrub, alchemize some pretty weapons, and join us in the fight! Remember, it's for Narnia, which our country used to be!" I announced.

"Cut! That's a wrap!" Paulie says. I sigh in relief.

"I hope Dictator Dinero likes this," I say.

"Who?" Everyone else asks.

"I mean, Ageha," I say. Makino smiles.

"Well, we part ways here, for now. I'll see you around," Makino says as we part ways. When Makino is out of sight, I burst into tears.

"What's wrong, Hana? Need some chocolate or tampons?" Holden asks me.

"Or some pot?" Shakky adds. Sanji kicks her in the face.

"Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew," Sanji whispers to Shakky. I snivel.

"The glitter bombs hit the hospital! I bet the _Inception_ crew is now a group of annoying Mary Sues and not a group of classy, smart people!" I sob. Holden paps my face.

"There, there, love. Life goes on," Holden says re-assuringly.

"Like hell, it does!" I sob as we enter the hovercraft.

I think Holden's right. I need chocolate. And yaoi.

* * *

**Ending Note: **No characters from _Inception_ were harmed during the making of this fanfic.

**Review if you want to see Ace again.**


	35. We Are, We Are, on the Cruise!

**Author's Note: **Well, tomorrow, I come home from vacation. I won't be back online until five or six tomorrow evening, so expect a long delay. In the meantime, enjoy this chapter until I can go back online tomorrow evening.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or _The Hunger Games_. And, yes, the cake is still a lie, but the pie is the truth.**

* * *

The next day, we all watch the propo of the fighting in District 8.

"Good Hana, best propo," Ageha tells me. I sweatdrop. Since when does Ageha read Homestuck?

"Really?" I ask with sparkles in my eyes and my hands clasped.

"Si, chica. In fact, your propo was so kickass, we're sending you to the ruins of District 12 to film another propo today!" Ageha announces.

"Yay! Yay!" I cheer.

"Okay, then. Don't get too excited, since you're going to film in the ruins of the Dirty, Hungarian Phrasebook," Ageha tells me. I stop cheering.

"Yay?" I question. When in doubt, always question a random, blonde, bipolar woman who can speak Spanish.

* * *

A few hours later, my squad from yesterday and I arrive in the ruins of District 12. When we get there, we notice a blue-haired clown and a man with an axe hand standing in the town square.

"Hana, meet Buggy and Morgan. They're two more cameramen who defected to the rebels' side," Sanji explains.

"Pleased to meet you," I say.

"Charmed," Moragn says. Buggy gets out a placard and a magic market. After a few seconds, he shows me the placard, which says "**Hi. I'm Buggy the Clown**".

"Are you an Avox?" I ask. Buggy gets out another placard and writes something. On this placard, it says "**I failed clown school, so they cut my tongue out**".

I cringe.

"That's no reason to become an Avox," I point out. Then again, people in the Capitol have become Avoxes by doing stupid things such as going to a Radio Shack in District 13, littering, and quoting Homestuck.

Yeah, I didn't know that saying "Caw caw, motherfuckers" at a Capitol party could get your tongue cut out.

Anyway, at lunch, we're sitting in the ruins of Holden's house, when a Mockingjay flies up to us and lands on Sanji's head.

"Oi, what's going on?!" Sanji asks us. We laugh.

"It's a Mockingjay. If you sing when it's around, it will pick up the tune. One time, I sang some Mayday Parade songs to the Mockingjays, and I released them at a dubstep show to prove that dubstep is not music. I got egged," Holden explained. We all look to the Mockingjay.

"Well, sing something! This will make good footage!" Paulie encourages me. I clear my throat, and the first song that comes to mind is the theme from One Park.

"_Arittakeno yume o kakiatsume  
sagashi mono sagashini yuku no sa  
POCKET no COIN, soreto  
YOU WANNA BE MY FRIEND?  
WE ARE, WE ARE ON THE CRUISE! WE ARE_!" I sing. Everyone sweatdrops.

"That was in bad taste, Hana," Iceburg tells me.

"No, it wasn't!" Holden argues.

"Fine! How about YOU sing one of your shitty punk songs?!" Sanji asks Holden.

"Hell no! Egging my hair will only end in bad things!" Holden cries. I sigh.

"Can't we all just get along?" I ask.

* * *

"Iceburg, what are you talking about? Singing _We Are!_ was in perfect taste," Ageha tells us later that night when we watch the propo.

"One Park? Really?" Heathcliffe questions. I glare at him.

"Shut up. One Park is a great series," I say. The T.V. then changes to Apoo and Ace. It looks like Ace is going through caffiene withdrawl, since he has bags under his eyes and looks tired and angry.

"_I'm here with Capitol hostage Portgas D. Ace. Ace, what do you have to say to the rebels_?"

Ace snatches the microphone from Apoo.

"_Well, obviously, we have a rapist in the District 13 mall. He's climbing in your windows, he's snatching your people up. Tryin' to rape them, so, ya'll need to hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband because they're rapin' everybody out there. You don't have to come and confess, we're looking for you. We gon' find you. So, you can run and tell that, homeboy. We got your T-shirt and you left fingerprints and all. You are so dumb. You are really, really dumb, fo' real._"

We grow silent and sweatdrop.

"Okay?" Usopp says.

"_Oh, by the way, we're going to bomb the District 13 mall_."

All of us scream and panic.

"We're all gonna die! We're martyrs for a lost cause!" Usopp yells.

"iSILENCIO, POR FAVOR!" Ageha yells. We all grow silent. "We can just hide in the Courtyard by Marriott of the Free City of Pentos until the bombings end."

"What if they bomb the hotel?" Holden asks Ageha.

"Are you drunk?! I just told you that they won't bomb the hotel!" Ageha yells to Holden. "Now, then, everyone close up the mall and report to the hotel as soon as you're done."

* * *

When I get back to the hotel early, mom and Aria don't say anything.

"Did you get fired yet?" Aria asks me.

"No. The mall's going to be bombed by the Capitol," I explain.

"I see.." Aria comments. We all grow silent.

"Hana, there's some cold fried chicken in the fridge if you're hungry," Mom tells me. I decide to have some, since this is going to be a LONG-ASS lockdown.

* * *

**Ending Note: Review if you want to see Ace, Robin, and Aki.**


	36. Cave Johnson is Back, Bitches!

**Author's Note: **Fans, you've waited, and this is the chapter where Ace and Robin return! Yay!

Oh, just so you know, from when I post the next chapter to when I post chapter 38, there will be a special cover for this story to go along with chapter 37. Can anybody guess what it is?

**Disclaimer: Nope. I only own my OCs.**

* * *

Two days later, the bombings end, and we return to the District 13 Shopping Mall. Turns out, the Capitol only used beanbag bombs on us, so some poor, unfortunate soul has to clean up all of the silica beads and the ripped beanbags.

Unfortunately, for me, I still work at Hot Dog on a Stick.

"Hey, Hana, did you hear?" Heathcliffe asks as he approaches me.

"Hear what?" I ask.

"Holden and Smoker went to the Capitol to get Aki! I'm so glad that they're getting Aki!" Heathcliffe cheers.

"What about Ace and Robin?" I ask.

"They're getting Ace and Robin, too. They should be back by tonight," Heathcliffe tells me. "By the way, Ageha wants us to go back to District 12 to film."

* * *

When we get to District 12, Sanji tells us something that changes everything.

"Heathcliffe, why don't you be the star of this propo? Hana's done a lot of propos, and it's not fair that other Hunger Games Victors don't get their own propos," Sanji explains.

"Okay," Heathcliffe says like the Okay Guy meme. Sanji turns on the camera.

"Say whatever you need to say, Heathcliffe. Hell, even a shout-out to Aki-chawn would be nice," Sanji instructs. Heathcliffe takes a deep breath.

"President Pwngoat... Sold my body," Heathcliffe explains. "I know what you're thinking - How the fuck does a goat force somebody into prostitution? He's that evil. President Pwngoat did this to all of the attractive Hunger Games Victors. If you don't do it, he kills your family. At first, I kinda enjoyed it since I finally got laid, but then I met my girlfriend, fellow Victor Aki Chung-Feng, and I became sick of it. How did I get by? I had all of the Capitol people I slept with to pay me in their secrets and not money or gum. Here's what I know -"

Then, Heathcliffe goes on to list a whole bunch of people with dirty little secrets, like that All-American Rejects song. Affairs, tax evasion, bribes, it's all there. Heathcliffe's got enough info to write a tell-all book.

The next thing I know, Sanji and Heathcliffe finished filming the propo.

"I never want to sleep with anybody except Aki ever again!" Heathcliffe cries before he glomps me and cries his eyes out. I stroke his soft, thick hair.

"Your hair's so fluffy. We're opening a petting zoo," I say in a dazed tone of voice.

"What?!" Heathcliffe cries.

"Sorry, I was zoned out," I apologize. "Anyway, don't cry, Aki will be back tonight. She's safe with people who make references to Portal and work in malls."

* * *

That night, Heathcliffe and I decide to hang out at the Apple store until everyone comes back.

"I hope Holden's okay. The Capitol's a bad place," I say.

"He'll be fine. Holden and Smoker were going to use candy and booze to distract everyone so they can free the Victors," Usopp explains. We grow silent.

"They're here! We got them!"

Ageha runs into the store.

"Holden's back?!" I cry.

"Aki! She's okay!" Heathcliffe cries.

"Where can we see them?" Usopp asks Ageha.

"The hotel lobby. They'll be at the hotel in thirty minutes," Ageha explains. A few minutes later, the three of us are waiting in the hotel lobby.

"Hana, I'm back!"

Holden enters the room in a badass manner. His hair is matter with blood and grime, his clothes are torn, and he looks beat up and bloody.

But, still, I don't care! Holden's back, and he looks hot when he's beat up!

"Holden!" I yell as I run into his arms like a bad movie. We then have a brief, but hot, make-out session.

"Get a room!" Heathcliffe yells. Holden just gives him the middle finger. "Oh, shut up!"

I let go of Holden just as Smoker and Robin enter. Robin has earmuffs taped to her ears for some reason.

"Robin! Hey, Robin!" I shout.

"What?!" Robin shouts back. Smoker pats her shoulder.

"Shh... Shh... We did this for science," Smoker says re-assuringly to Robin.

"What?! What did Smoker say?!" Robin yells.

"Sarutobi-kun?! Sarutobi-kun!"

Heathcliffe runs up to a pretty, Chinese girl with silky, black hair and blue eyes. She's only wearing a towel.

"Oh, Sarutobi-kun, it was awful! The Peacekeepers locked me in a room and made me watch every single episode of Doctor Who that has the Tenth Doctor in it and Scrubs! I thought I was going to develop a crush on David Tennant or Zach Braff!" Aki explains as she hugs Heathcliffe.

"It's okay, Aki, I'm here," Heathcliffe says lovingly before he notices that Aki is only wearing a towel. "Aki, why are you in a towel? What did the Capitol do to you?!"

"Sarutobi-kun, calm down. I was taking a shower when the rebels arrive, and I didn't have time to get dressed," Aki explains.

"Oh, okay! Let's buy you some new clothes tomorrow. But, for now..." Heathcliffe says seductively before he and Aki begin a hotter make-out session than the one Holden and I had. I think I can even hear porn music in the background.

"Get a room!" Smoker, Holden, Usopp, and I shout.

"What?! Who's a tool?!" Robin cried. We all sweatdrop as Ace enters the room. He looks sad and deprived of his caffiene.

"Oh, look! There's Ace! Hana, why don't you say 'hi' to him?" Smoker suggests.

"Hi, Ace!" I say. "What did -"

Ace then strangles me.

"Bitch, ya'll are gonna get all up in that kitchen and make me a sandwich or I will pimp slap you!" Ace demands like he's Madea. I can see Holden, Robin, Aki, Smoker, Heathcliffe, and Usopp, and they have expressions of shock on their face.

Ace did not just go there. He told me to make him a sandwich, the biggest insult to a female heroine of a work of fiction.

* * *

**Ending Note: Review if you want to see more of Ace acting like Madea.**


	37. BILLY MAYS HERE WITH MIGHTY PUTTY!

**Author's Note: **Yes, I had to put the chapter title in all-caps, considering the theme of District 2 in this parody. Also, find the hidden CSI reference in this chaper.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or _The Hunger Games_.**

* * *

Before I get a chance to kick Ace in the balls, Smoker pulls Ace off of me and kicks him in the balls for me.

"What the hell is going on here?!" I cry. Smoker pours some cholroform onto a rag and puts the rag to Ace's mouth.

"Shh... Shh... It'll be all over soon," Smoker says soothingly as Ace falls asleep.

"Hey! You'd better answer the Mockingjay!" I yell.

"Yeah, sure, I'll tell you tomorrow," Smoker says with a yawn. "But, it's beddy-bye time for me."

Smoker leaves the lobby.

"Sorry, Hana, we have to go. Sarutobi-kun needs to get me some clothes. It was nice meeting you, though," Aki explains before she and Heathcliffe walk away, with Robin and Usopp following after them. Holden sits down on the couch and motions for me to sit next to him. I do so, because who wouldn't want to sit next to a hot and sexy punk like Holden?

"I know what happened to Ace," Holden states.

"Tell me," I demand.

"Only if you French kiss me afterward. With tongue," Holden states.

"Alright!" I say. Holden sighs.

"The Capitol brainwashed Ace into thinking that we're in the 1950's, where women had to stay in the kitchen. But, the brainwashing didn't fully work, so now Ace thinks he's Madea from those Tyler Perry movies. Also, they took away his coffee from him," Holden explains.

"That's terrible! Plus, Ace doesn't know that the kitchen has the knives, frying pans, and other weapons I could improvise," I explain.

"What Ace doesn't know could end with him being shanked," Holden comments as he wraps his arms around me. "Now, how about that French kiss you promised?"

"Alright! Let's do it!" I said before I planted my lips onto Holden's lips. With one hand, I bring Holden closer to me as I run my fingers through my hair with my other hand. Sadly, Holden's normally soft, thick hair is all matted and really greasy and slimy, so I pull away from Holden.

"Honey, what's wrong?" Holden asks me.

"When was the last time you washed your hair?!" I cry. Holden sighs.

"It's been a few days. Between work and the propos, I forgot to shower. I was going to take one this morning, but I got sent to the Captiol to free Ace and everyone else. While we were there, I got pretty filthy and beat up," Holden explains. I pimp slap him.

"That's no excuse! You march right to your room and take a bath right now!" I yell, because Holden with filthy hair equals a really pissed off Hana. "And, be sure to wash your hair really good."

Holden sighs.

"Fine," Holden says.

* * *

It's now three a.m. in the morning, and Holden and I are staying up late and watching T.V. After I forced Holden to have a bath, he invited me back to his room, and here we are.

"Holden?" I ask. I sound kind of tired.

"Yes, Hana?" Holden asks me as he wraps his arm around me. I take a deep breath to ponder this question, but it's mainly so I can smell the scents of Holden's soap, shampoo, and conditioner lingering on him.

"What are they going to do with Ace?" I ask.

"You remember Tashigi, right? They're going to bring her here from Pentos to get Ace back to normal," Holden explains.

"Wasn't Tashigi supposed to make shoes for Stacy's Mom?" I ask, not knowing who Stacy or her mom are.

"I don't know. It's been a while since she moved away," Holden answers. I shift myself so that I'm lying on Holden's chest.

"Holden?"

"Yes, Hana?"

"Your hair smells nice... Like... Citrus fruits."

Before we begin another make-out session, somebody knocks on the door.

"Fuck..." Holden mutters under his breath. "Who is it?!"

"It's Usopp! Open up!"

Holden sighs and he opens the door for Usopp. Upon entry into the room, Usopp sweatdrops, since Holden is only wearing his boxers, and I'm only wearing my T-shirt that says "Get thee to a Tardis" and my underwear.

"The both of you, put some clothes on. Ageha wants the three of us to go to District 2," Usopp explains.

"The Billy Mays District?" I ask as I pull on my jeans. Usopp sighs.

"Yes, Hana, the Billy Mays District. Order now, and you'll recieve a free cake that isn't a lie with your purchase," Holden says in a deadpan tone of voice as he puts on a Ramones T-shirt and his skinny jeans.

* * *

Later that morning, we arrive in District 2.

"Okay, all we have to do is find a woman named Monet," Usopp explains.

"Who's Monet?" Holden asks us.

"I remember her! She's a Hunger Games Victor who won her Games by playing Franz Ferdinand at full blast!" I answer. Because of those Hunger Games, I never looked at the songs _Take me Out_, _Darts of Pleasure_, or _Jacqueline_ ever again.

"You must be those kids from District 13."

A woman with wings and swirly glasses approaches us. This is Monet.

"I know you! You're Monet, the girl who won her Hunger Games because she wanted to play some Franz Ferdinand!" I shout.

"That's right! Now, come with me, we have a lot to do," Monet says. Two hours of hiking through the back country of District 2 later, we arrive at the base of a mountain.

"Woah! This mountain's so huge and pretty!" I comment.

"That's the Nut. We store all of our military supplies, food, water, and sex toys in there. It's the last place in District 2 that the rebels don't have. However, in keeping with our Billy Mays theme in District 2, the Nut is actually called 'Mighty Putty'," Monet explains.

"How clever. This is a tough nut to crack," Usopp comments as he puts on some sunglasses.

_Yeeeeaaaaahhhhhhh_!

Monet responds by slapping him across the face Mexican standoff-style.

"You shut your whore mouth when Billy Mays is talking!" Monet shouts. Holden, Usopp and I sweatdrop. "Sorry about that. We District 2 residents tend to do that when somebody smack-talks Mighty Putty, Billy Mays, and/or products Billy Mays has pitched. We also do that when somebody talks good about Billy Mays' arch-nemesis, Vince Offer, the Shamwow Guy."

"Well then, I take back all amusing comments I posted on Facebook after Billy Mays died," Holden comments. Monet glares at Holden.

"Yeah, you'd better take those comments back," Monet says. "So, anyway, there are people inside of Mighty Putty. We have to wait until they surrender, and then us rebels can take Mighty Putty for ourselves."

"Sounds like a plan," Usopp says.

* * *

Five hours of nothing happening later... Nothing happens.

"This is so boring! Why did we come here?!" I whine.

"Because Ageha's a crazy bitch?" Usopp guesses. I sigh as I pick up my Portal gun.

"Time to do this the hard way," I say as I aim my Portal gun to the base of Mighty Putty.

"Hana, what are you doing?" Usopp asks me.

"I'm going to go into Mighty Putty so somebody could come out," I explain.

"Hana, that's not the way to go," Holden points out. "You could just steal an ice cream truck and drive it by."

I roll my eyes.

"Will that do any -" I ask Holden before an ice cream truck drives by. "Holy motherf[Bleep]k, it's an ice cream truck!"

Since I was too excited to get some ice cream, I accidentally vaporize about 75% of Mighty Putty.

First, the Quarter Quell arena, now this. Oops.

"Uhh... Hana, I think we're done for," Usopp states fearfully as he points to an angry mob approaching us.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MIGHTY PUTTY?!"

"Are you on crack cocaine?! I acutally live in that mountain!"

"Monet, are you willing to pose for Playboy?"

"What the hell did you do to my wife?!"

"Billy Mays is not amused! You should be ashamed of yourself, young lady!"

"Hey! Those were my sex toys!"

"I want my mommy!"

"You shut your whore mouth when Billy Mays is talking!"

"Allons-y!"

The next thing I know, a bullet grazes me and I pass out.

* * *

**Ending Note: **This chapter is dedicated to the memory of Billy Mays. We miss you and your informercials, Billy!

**Anyway, review if you want to see a Tribute who was supposed to die.**


	38. Diabeetus, Diabeetus Everywhere!

**Author's Note: **Well, here's another update to a fanfic I procrastinated on. But, I can't procrastinate anymore, since there are seven chapters left of the fanfic. Here's how it'll go:

Chapters 39 & 40: The preperations for Hana's final trip to the Capitol

Chapters 41 & 42: The Battle for the Capitol

Chapter 43: Pwngoat's execution

Chapter 44: Hana's return to District 12

Chapter 45: Epilogue

Yeah, I guess some people have figured out that each section of the parody is exactly fifteen chapters long. XD

**Disclaimer: I only own my OCs.**

* * *

"Oh, good. You're awake."

I awake inside of the hospital Aria and mom work at. A familiar reindeer with a pink hat is standing over me.

"Chopperman? I thought you got murdered by the Midnight Crew," I ask the reindeer, who slaps me.

"Bitch, I'm NOT Chopperman! My name is Tony Tony Chopper!" Chopper yells. I then get a full look at Chopper - Yes, he is Chopperman, but without the mask and cape.

"You're so cute! I'm taking you home with me!" I yell before I hug Chopper, who screams.

"I need an adult! This bitch is sexually harassing me!" Chopper screams as he presses that button that calls in a nurse. Aria comes in a few moments later.

"What's going on?!" Aria asks us.

"This woman has been sexually harassing me!" Chopper yells. Aria sighs.

"Chopper, I think you should go on break now," Aria says. With a huff, Chopper leaves the room. Aria turns to me.

"How am I doing?" I ask.

"Oh, you're fine. But, when you passed out, your spleen got messed up, so we had to remove it," Aria explains.

"Nooo! My spleen!" I scream like in that one episode of Invader Zim. Aria sweatdrops as Holden, Usopp, and Robin enter the room.

"Visitors!" Usopp announces.

"Hey, guys!" I shout cheerfully. Aria smiles.

"I'll leave you four alone," Aria says before she leaves the room.

"So, what happened at Mighty Putty after I passed out?" I ask the two Tributes and one boyfriend.

"We got it. All we rebels need to do is to take the Capitol, and Panem will be free," Usopp explains.

"_And I get to kill President Pwngoat. And nobody will have goat cheese and goat milk in Panem ever again_," I think to myself with a smile.

"I don't think vaporizing Mighty Putty was right," Holden says with a sigh.

"Don't be sad, Holden. I'm sure that people are re-building Mighty Putty," I re-assure Holden.

* * *

"Where are you taking me?" I ask Sanji. It's the next afternoon, and he's leading me down a corridor in the hotel I've never been in.

"Aki-chawn and Heathcliffe's wedding. They're getting married legally, but we're filming it as a propo to make it a big 'fuck you' to all of the Capitol people Heathcliffe was forced to have sex with," Sanji explains. I glare at them.

"Sanji, they're teenagers. I don't think they can get married yet," I explain. Sanji takes a drag from his cigarette.

"Aki wanted to keep Heathcliffe for herself and not for the mellorines in the Capitol. Plus, forging papers for marriage licenses works wonders," Sanji explains as we enter the wedding chapel, where Aki and Heathcliffe's wedding is already under way. "Shit, we're late."

"Do you, Aki Chung-Feng, take Heathcliffe Sarutobi to be your lawfully wedding sex slave to the Capitol - I mean, husband?" Dalton asks Aki.

"I do, I do, I DO!" Aki yells in a cutesy, diabetes-inducing manner. "Sarutobi-kun's my precious baby! He's cute, funny, handsome, and, most of all, fucking sexy! He's a stone-cold fox that I'd love to [Bleep] when we get older!"

Everyone sweatdrops.

"Okay, then... That's nice to know," Dalton says. "Anyway, do you, Heathcliffe Sarutobi, allow Aki Chung-Feng to be your bitch - I mean, take Aki Chung-Feng to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"I do. Aki, you are the most beautiful and loving girl I've ever met. You make every single Capitol woman I've had sex with look like ugly monkeys," Heathcliffe says tenderly.

"You may kiss the bride!" Dalton announces. Then, Aki and Heathcliffe kiss passionately.

"Get a room!" Most of us shout. Dalton clears his throat, and everyone stares at him.

"Now, then... _Let's do the Time Warp again_!" Dalton announces. Then, we all do the Time Warp from _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_.

"Hey! I brought cake!"

We stop dancing as Ace wheels a cake in. It's shaped like a semicolon.

"Wow, Ace, I didn't know you made this cake!" I comment as I cut myself a slice. But, Ace grabs the knife from me.

"Heathcliffe cuts it. HE'S the GROOM," Ace explains to me like I'm a little kid who can't use knives yet.

"Sexist! SEXIST!" I yell like Yuffie in _Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children_. And, for good measure, I snatch the knife from Ace's hands and cut up the cake myself.

"Hey, you can't handle these knives!" Ace yells. I glare at him and slice up a piece of cake for Ace. "Ya'll better give me the knife, or I will pimp slap you!"

"No. I don't feel like giving you Sidney," I say. Inwardly, I'm questioning why I named the knife "Sidney". Ace takes Sidney away from me and pimp slaps me.

"Bitch, go make me a sandwich!" Ace yells before Smoker restrains him.

"Now, Ace, stop it. We're not in the 1950's and you're not Madea," Smoker tells Ace, who glares at me.

"This isn't over," Ace tells me. Everyone stares at me.

"Dude..." Heathcliffe comments. I sigh.

"If you need me, I'm going back to my room," I say before I turn and leave the room.

* * *

**Ending Note: Review if you want to see Sogeking!**


	39. Mortal Combat! Usopp vs Ageha!

**Author's Note: **Well, we are now coming up on the final stretches of our marvellous parody of _The Hunger Games_ trilogy. After you read this chapter, please go to my profile and vote in my new poll. I need another book series to parody after this parody is done.

Anyway, let's begin the chapter.

**Disclaimer: I still only own my OCs.**

* * *

Several days later...

"Why can't I go to the Capitol to film propos?! Don't you need me for that?!" I ask Thierry.

"Because Ageha said you're weak," Thierry says with a shrug. I sigh.

"Has she been listening to Ace?!" I cry. Thierry sighs.

"Look, kid, go perform _Julius Caesar _on an aldis lamp or something. I have no time to argue with you, since it's almost five o'clock," Thierry explains. I facepalm.

"You are a true Upperclass Twit of the Year!" I yell before I stomp off.

* * *

The next day, it's Saturday, my day off. Robin and I decide to spend it browsing the District 13 mall for the hell of it.

"Can you believe it?! Ageha won't let me film propos in the Capitol! She said I was weak!" I rant.

"You're not weak. You survived two Hunger Games, and look where that got you," Robin explains. "As for me, I'm quite proud of you for coming this far. You've started a revolution."

"Weaksauce!" Ace yells as he bikes by on a tricycle. But, he hits some stairs and falls down. I point and laugh.

"I warned you about the stairs!" I yell before Robin and I make a break for it.

* * *

Later that night, Robin, Sanji, Shakky, Holden, Heathcliffe, Aki, Thierry, Usopp, Aria, Tashigi, and I all decide to go to the T.G.I. Fridays in the mall.

"How did we all end up at T.G.I. Fridays?" Sanji asks us.

"Beats me," I say with a shrug. "At least we're all -"

Ace approaches us.

"Hello, everybody!" Ace says happily. Sounds like the old Ace is back, but I can't say for sure.

"Hello, Ace!" We greet back.

"I say, what a simply SUPER day!" Ace comments as he sits down next to Usopp.

"Gosh, yes!" We respond back.

"It is so, you know, sunny!" Aki adds.

"Yes, it is," Ace says before he pulls out a tennis racket. Being that I'm from the Monty Python District, I kinda know where this is going. "I say, anyone for tennis?!"

"Oh, super!" Thierry slurs.

"I say, catch!" I yell as I throw a roll at Ace's balls.

"Ow! FUUUUUUUUUUU -" Ace cries. Holden covers my ears for a few seconds. "You bitch! That was my manhood! Shit just got crazy all up in this bitch!"

"Hey! At least we aren't chopping off each others limbs like in the original Salad Days sketch!" I retort.

"People, please. Can't we all just get along?" Usopp asks us. Ace shoots me a death glare. "Fine. Have it your way."

Usopp spills his coffee all over Ace, who calms down.

"Aaah, caffiene. The cause of - and the solution to - all of life's problems," Ace says. Everyone sweatdrops.

"Okay?" Heathcliffe asks. Usopp clears his throat.

"We're getting out of District 13. Tonight," Usopp says.

"Tonight? Won't Ageha catch us?" I ask.

"Nope. We'll walk out when it's closing time. Then, we're all going to start a pirate crew and sail the Grand Line," Usopp explains.

"Oh, boy! I hope we run into Nami and Vivi!" I say excitedly as I clasp my hands. Everyone else sweatdrops.

"Who are Nami and Vivi?" Aria asks me.

"That's not important right now," I answer.

* * *

At the mall's closing time, Robin, Sanji, Shakky, Holden, Heathcliffe, Aki, Thierry, Usopp, Aria, Tashigi, Ace, and I all walk out of the mall at the same time.

"This totally does not look suspicious!" Ace proclaims.

"I know! This is totes wholesome and un-suspicious!" Tashigi adds.

"Guys, be quiet! Do you want Ageha to catch us?!" Usopp yells.

"Gotcha."

Ageha approaches us.

"Oh, hey, Ageha. Lovely weather we're having, huh?" Usopp asks Ageha, who pimp-slaps him.

"You were fleeing the District 13 mall, were you?!" Ageha asks Usopp, who gets up from the ground and dusts himself off.

"You did not just go there! Bring it on!" Usopp yells as he puts on a mask and a cape. "Sogeking is here to save the day!"

The theme from Mortal Kombat begins playing as Usopp and Ageha begin fighting.

"I'm not even drunk yet and what is this?" Thierry asks me.

"You're not drunk?!" I cry.

"I'm seventeen and what is this?!" Holden cries as Ageha punches Usopp square in the face.

"There. That'll teach you brats a lesson," Ageha says before she walks away. Sanji and I help Usopp from the ground.

"What the hell did I just do?" Usopp asks me.

"Beats me. But, never do that again unless I have my Portal gun on hand," I explain.

"Okay," Usopp says.

* * *

**Ending Note: Review if you want to see Hana go to the Capitol!**


	40. Good Nyan Cat, Best Pop-Tart

**Author's Note: **I just wanna thank **Cloud Piece** for letting me use the idea of using Nyan Cat as torture, which is from her fic **Nyan Piece**.

So, let's begin the chapter.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, _The Hunger Games_, Doctor Who, or torture by Nyan Cat.**

* * *

After the fight with Ageha, Robin, Sanji, Shakky, Holden, Heathcliffe, Aki, Thierry, Usopp, Aria, Tashigi, Ace, and I all decide to re-group in the lobby of the hotel. By "re-grouping", I mean, "watching T.V.".

"Man! Nothing's on!" Usopp comments.

"It's Saturday, so, therefore, we're watching Doctor Who," I say before I change the channel to BBC Panem, right when the Doctor Who episode _Victory of the Daleks _starts up.

"Hmmm... I prefer David Tennant, but whatever," Tashigi comments.

"I'm sorry, but Christopher Eccleston will always be my favorite Doctor," Aria says.

"He only lasted for one season, Aria!" Usopp points out. "And, besides, Doctor Whooves is best Doctor."

All of us look at Usopp.

"Doctor Whooves is a pony, Usopp," Sanji explains. "Plus, Derpy is best pony."

I sigh.

"Can't we all agree that Matt Smith is the best Doctor?" I ask. It's true, since bow ties and fezzes are cool.

"Aye! Plus, Amy was hot!" Ace says in agreement. I begin to cry. "Oh, why the fuck are you crying?! Suck it up, make me a sandwich, and do it with a smile, or I will motherfuckin' pimp slap you into next Thursday!"

"Stop giving me Amy and Rory feels! _The Daleks Take Manhattan _was a very hard episode for me to watch!" I sob. Everyone else sweatdrops as Smoker enters the hotel.

"Oh, hey, Smokies," Holden says casually.

"Turn off the T.V. We need to talk," Smoker says.

"No! Doctor Who is on!" I cry. Smoker walks over to the T.V. and unplugs it.

"What the hell?!" We all cry.

"Told you we needed to talk," Smoker says. "Anyway, I'm forming a team to go to the Capitol to shoot more rebel commercials. So far, I only have Heathcliffe and Holden on board for this. Who wants to join?"

We grow silent. After a moment in silence, Aki breaks down crying.

"Sarutobi-kun, don't go! You're going to die out there and I'll be left alone!" Aki sobs. Heathcliffe puts his arm around Aki.

"I won't die, Aki. We're filming commercials. It's not like I'm going to play in a third Hunger Games. We've been over this when I got Reaped both times. I WILL come home - Err... Or back to this hotel, at least," Heathcliffe explains. Then, something clicks in my mind.

"I'll come with you, Smoker! I need to protect Holden!" I say.

"Shouldn't it be the other way around since you're the Mockingjay?" Holden asks me.

"I want the both of us to be happy when we marry and have babies," I explain. "Plus, do you want Aki and Heathcliffe to be happy?"

"Well, you have a point," Holden says.

"If it's no trouble, I'd like to come, too. I have a score to settle with that goat," Robin says before she pulls out a large shanking knife. Everyone sweatdrops.

"Ma'am, I'm greatly concerned for your sanity," Thierry tells Robin.

* * *

The tests Robin and I have to do to get into the squad going to the Capitol involve us running through fake streets and shooting things.

"This is stupid," I say to Robin as we jump over somebody passed out for no reason in this fake street.

"I know, right?" Robin asks me as a cat walks in front of us. Robin freezes up.

"Robin? What's wrong?" I ask. Robin doesn't say or do anything. "Whatever, you're being a downer. I'm finishing this test without you."

I give the cat some Pocky I had in my pocket and I make a run for it to the end of the fake street.

* * *

"Surprise, surprise, you're going to the Capitol," Thierry tells me the next day. Honestly, I'm not surprised, so my reaction is very subdued.

"Okay," I say.

"Well, excuse me, PRINCESS!" Ace yells. Thierry glares at him.

"No. Just no," Thierry tells Ace. Ace sticks his tongue out at Thierry as Smoker enters the room.

"Hana, I've got some bad news - Robin failed her test and won't be joining you in the Capitol," Smoker explains.

"Oh, no! Why?" I ask.

"She freaked out when she saw my pet cat in the fake streets you two had to run through," Smoker explains. "Apparently, it has to do with how the Capitol tortured her."

"How did the Capitol torture her?" I ask.

"They forced her to watch the ninety-six hour version of Nyan Cat on a loop until we saved her. At least they let her take breaks to use the bathroom and to take showers," Smoker explains. I sweatdrop.

"This will go down in history for being the weirdest torture method ever," Ace says like the Fact Cube from Portal.

"Shut up, Ace," I tell Ace.

"Your mom can shut up," Ace retorts.

"You shut your whore mouth!" I retort.

"Shut up! I'm trying to wash my fucking perfect hair!" Holden yells from his hotel room bathroom. All of us sweatdrop.

"Hana, why don't you... You know what? Just go," Smoker suggests.

"Go where?" I ask.

"Go... Just go somewhere, okay?!" Smoker cries. Then, it hits me -

I need to go to the District 13 Mall to get a get-well gift for Robin.

* * *

About two hours later, I decide to pay a visit to Robin in her room.

"Robin? I have a present I have to give you before I go," I say as I give her a small package. Robin glares at me.

"This better not be a Nyan Cat bracelet," Robin says. "Oh, and if you gave me something that has to do with the Soft Kitty from The Big Bang Theory, I'm unfriending you on Facebook."

"It doesn't," I say. Robin opens the box, revealing an iPod. "Listen to the iPod."

Robin inserts the earbuds and turns on the iPod. After a few seconds of fiddling with it, I can hear the faint sounds of _Don't Cry for me, Argentina_ from _Evita _coming from her earbuds.

"Sounds... Sounds like home," Robin says before she puts her iPod down. After a few minutes in silence, Robin speaks. "You're gonna kill Pwngoat, right?"

"Hell yeah," I say to Robin.

"Pinky swear?" Robin asks me as she holds up her pinky.

"Pinky swear!" I yell before Robin and I lock pinkies.

"Have fun in the Capitol, okay? And tell Heathcliffe to stay away from the seven Hot Topic stores in the Capitol," Robin explains.

"I will," I say confidently.

* * *

**Ending Note: Review if you want to see the battle for the Capitol!**


	41. We're on the Road to Vermillion City!

**Author's Note: **Here is part one of the battle for the Capitol. I'm not going to lie, I actually almost cried when I wrote the ending of this chapter. Without spoiling anything, one of the saddest scenes in _Mockingjay_ becomes a happy scene in this fic, and I had to use a quote from said sad scene. It brought out so many feels for me. T_T

**Disclaimer: I only own my OCs.**

* * *

The next day, after saying good-byes to loved ones, my people and I leave District 13 for the Capitol. Besides me, this squad consists of:

- Heathcliffe

- Holden

- Smoker

- Buggy and Morgan

- Paulie and Iceburg

- Moz and Kiwi, two sisters we call "The Square Sisters" because of their square afroes.

- Chaka and Pell, two buddy cops from Miami

- And, Porsche. A girl wearing a ski mask and a hat with a huge-ass pompom.

"Is everyone ready?" Smoker asks us as our train gets closer to the base camp outside of the Capitol.

"Hell yeah!" I yell.

"Are you all ready?!" Smoker asks us.

"Hell yeah!" We all yell.

"Put your guns on!"

* * *

Two hours later, Moz dies. She stepped on some booby trap and some darts pierced her afro, where I think her spirit energy is. She will be missed.

Back to the present.

"Okay, I've called in backup, since I don't have enough time to make Moz a zombie," Smoker explains before he turns to a tree. "Okay, you can join us!"

"Please let it be Robin, please let it be Robin, please let it be Robin..." I say as I close my eyes and cross my fingers. Sadly, it's not Robin. Hell, it's not even Usopp.

It's Ace.

"What the hell?!" I cry before I chuck a can of canned bread at Ace's head.

"Hey, hey, hey! Be nice to the new recruit!" Smoker yells.

"Like, take a chill pill, girl! You just, like, injured a major fucking hottie," Porsche says in her valley girl accent. I then find myself storming away from everyone.

"Dude..." I can hear Holden say under his breath.

* * *

That night, I'm still sitting at least a yard from the group, when Ace sits down next to me.

"Ace, I'm sorry I threw that can of canned bread at you. I guess I was still pissed off over how sexist the Capitol made you," I explain.

"It's okay. Have you heard of a game called 'Real or Not Real'? It's where I ask people questions about me, and they have to guess if it's real or not real. It's helping me become less like Madea and more like - you know - me," Ace explains. "So... You're still protecting me, real or not real?"

"Not real. I threw canned bread at you, so that should say something," I explain. Ace sighs.

"I like to sleep. Real or not real?" Ace asks me.

"Real," I say. Ace smiles.

"I'm winning! I'm winning!" Ace says in delight. "Hana, tell me more about myself!"

"Hmmm... You're a fire-dancer, from what I've heard from the gossipy housewives in town. You're a baker. You sleep with the windows open in case you accidentally set the house on fire in your sleep. You take your tea with extra sugar. And, your mother still ties your shoelaces for you," I explain. Ace grows silent.

"You love me, real or not real?" Ace asks me.

"Hell no, that's not real! I love Holden!" I say. Ace turns pale.

"You sit on a throne of lies," Ace tells me. Holden approaches us.

"We should get going. Smoker said that it's time to go into the Capitol," Holden explains. I stretch my arms out for a hug. "Not now, Hana. We can have some sloppy make-outs later."

I pout as Holden, Ace, and I re-join the group.

"Hey, Hana, have you met two Avoxes named Kohza and Nojiko?" Ace asks me. I nod. "Well, they died. Nojiko died when the Peacekeepers brought in an Izaya Orihara cosplayer to stomp on her cellphone, and Kohza committed seppuku when he couldn't beat his high score on Fruit Ninja."

Oh, Dear Lord...

* * *

As we walk through the Capitol, I notice that Smoker is tying Buggy's camera onto a little girl's bicycle.

"Smoker, what are you doing?" I ask Smoker.

"We couldn't find something to pull the camera, so we have to use this. I even left behind a note saying that we were borrowing this bike for a few hours," Smoker explains. His explanation fails, since there are now police cars headed toward us.

"Smoker, you are under arrest for petty theft!"

"Oh, shit, it's the fuzz! You'll never take me alive!" Smoker yells before he gets on the bike and bikes away. We sweatdrop as we follow Smoker into a townhouse. Inside, Smoker, is locking the doors and moving furniture in front of the doors. "I'm sorry, guys! They'll never take me alive! Just go on without me!"

I sweatdrop as I mentally do a head-count of everyone in the room.

"Where the frick is Porcshe?!" I ask.

"Oh, she passed out in the streets. If I went back to get her, I would be arrested," Iceburg explains.

"So, Smoker, what do we do now that you're going to be arrested?" I ask. Smoker glares at us.

"Go through the sewers. You know what to do."

* * *

A few minutes later, we find ourselves in the sewers.

"I want to go home!" Ace sobs.

"Shut up!" I yell. We all grow silent as we continue walking through the sewers.

"Mudkip! Mud! Mudkip!"

All of us stop walking.

"So, Hana, I heard you like Mudkips," Holden says. I turn back, and there are a bunch of Mudkips coming for us.

"Run!" I shout before we run to the exit of the sewers. But, as I climb the ladder, I hear something very heartwrenching.

"Hana!"

I look down, and I can make out the horrifying sight of Heathcliffe being attacked by the Mudkips. Then, something bizzare happens - It's as if I'm Heathcliffe, watching images of his life flash by. The mast of an expensive yacht, a silver parachute, Isabella laughing, a blood-red sky from a horror movie, Usopp's scythe, Aki in her wedding cheongsam, waves breaking over rocks. Then, it's over.

I vaporize the Mudkips with my Portal gun. When all of the Mudkips disappear, I grab Heathcliffe and re-join everyone, feeling good that I saved Heathcliffe's life.

* * *

**Ending Note: Review if you want to see Pwngoat's evil regimine end!**


	42. Cave Johnson, We're Done Here!

**Author's Note: **Currently, I'm writing out the last two chapters and the epilogue to this fic. They will come out tonight or tomorrow, depending on what other fic I'm working on.

There's also a semi-important (and long) Author's Note at the end regarding other parodies of hit book series.

**Disclaimer: I only own the Capricorn Pirates.**

* * *

Turns out, the ladder led to a rich person's basement. Since nobody's home, we've decided to rest up in the mansion for the night. Right now, I'm washing the blood and Mudkip drool out of Heathcliffe's hair.

"Oh, Hana, this feels so good. Don't stop," Heathcliffe moans as I wash his hair.

"Don't give into peer pressure, Hana! I'm your boyfriend and I have better hair than him!" Holden yells in-between bites of a turkey sandwich. I look to Holden.

"Want me to wash your hair?" I meekly offer.

"Yes please," Holden answers.

"What the bloody hell are you doin' in my house?!"

We look up, and a half-pig, half-woman is staring at us.

"Uhh... Hi there..." I say. A few minutes later, this British pig-lady has sat us down for what I assume is a stern talking to. (1)

"So, your name's Lola, huh?" I ask right after the pig-lady introduces herself. "I remember you! Weren't you a Hunger Games stylist?"

Lola then breaks down crying.

"Sheesh, Hana, so insensitive!" Ace yells.

"You don't bloody know anythin'!" Lola sobs. "They fired me for being half-pig half-human! I sued their arses in court, and they wouldn't believe me! I even had to call in human rights activists from Westeros to get them to stop!"

"It's okay, Lola. We're on your side. We owe you," I explain. Lola stops crying and smiles.

"Thank you, Hana," Lola says as she goes through her pockets. She pulls out what appears to be a credit card. "Take this. One day, when this bloody revolution is over, you and me will go to London. We'll do everythin' - Afternoon tea, shopping on Carnaby Street, looking for the TARDIS... We can even go to this place. I heard you like Doctor Who, so I hope you'll enjoy my gift."

I look down at my credit card. It's not a credit card, but a $1,000 gift card to the Who Store in London.

Out of all my Capitol fans, Lola is my favorite. She goes the extra mile. A typical Capitol fan may do something nice for me, such as buy me a Doctor Who T-shirt or two. But, not Lola. She gets me a gift card to THE Doctor Who store in England. (2)

I wish more of my Capitol admirers were like Lola.

* * *

Sadly, the next morning, I have to say my good-byes to Lola. At least we got each other's cell phone numbers and E-mails.

"Bye, Lola. I hope you survive the war," I say.

"I will," Lola answers. "Oh, and there may or may not be Sherlock Blu-Ray box sets, yaoi anthologies, a TARDIS dress, a Dalek dress, Sherlock's purple shirt of sex, anirugumi plushies of David Tennant and Matt Smith, a yaoi paddle, boxes of Pocky, and a blow-up doll of Benedict Cumberbatch waiting for you when you get home to District 12."

I hug Lola.

"I'm so glad we accidentally broke into your house," I say before I re-join my crew, who are walking down the street. It's a beautiful morning, and there isn't a cloud in the sky.

"You like Lola a lot, don't you?" Heathcliffe asks me.

"Yep! She's every Doctor Who and Sherlock fan's best friend!" I say.

"Why didn't I have sex with Capitol citizens as nice as Lola?!" Heathcliffe cries. Holden and I sweatdrop.

"Anyway, Hana, when we get home, I will get you Hetalia Blu-Ray boxsets, yaoi anthologies you DON'T have yet, an Adipose dress, an Ood dress, Sherlock's grey shirt of lust, anirugumi plushies of Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman, a paddle that says 'Let me tell you about Homestuck', more boxes of Pocky, and a punching doll of Steven Moffat," Holden explains. I giggle.

"How do you know all of my fandoms?" I ask.

"Because you won't shut up about them. It's in a good way, though. I enjoy hearing your voice a lot, even though you sound too much like that girl with the pigtails from D. Gray-man," Holden explains. "I love you more than your Capitol fans, Hana. You are MY Mockingjay, not Panem's Mockingjay." (3)

My heart just melted. I wish I was near a computer, so I can write about all of my feels. All of them.

"Oh... Oh, Holden!" I shout, almost on the verge of tears. "I love you so much! You've everything to me - My Ectobiology boyfriend, my Last Centurion, the Sherlock Holmes to my Irene Adler, the Austria to my Hungary, my sun and my stars, and the Arthur to my Eames! I have deducted that I will Troll you on Pesterchum until you notice me, I will become the Girl Who Waited for you, and I will be your Khalessi! I will wait for a train, a train that will take me far away! You know where you hope this train will take you, but you don't know for sure! But, it doesn't matter, because we'll be together!"

Just like in the movies, Holden sweeps me into his arms and kisses me. Screw the rebellion, all I want to do is be with Holden Sarutobi, the moon of my life and my sun and my stars!

"Uh... Hana, Holden, we're at President Pwngoat's mansion..." Heathcliffe says.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah! That's what they all say!" I yell. "Now, shut up and leave me and Holden alone!"

"Hana, President Pwngoat has a bunch of preschoolers in front of his mansion as human meat shields. You'd better come save them," Heathcliffe says.

"Get lost, Heathcliffe! I'm with the sexiest man alive! Screw Channing Tatum, I've got Holden Sarutobi!" I yell.

"Hana... Why is your sister here?" Holden - not Heathcliffe - asks me. I turn back to see Aria, who is running toward the kids. All around them, parachutes fall.

"Hana -" Aria asks. Then, the bombs go off, and Aria and the little kids are sent flying. Thankfully, they're not hurt. "We're blasting off again!"

I look up, and I see a star sparkling in the sky. I don't care about how we won the revolution right now, I just want to know where Aria ended up.

"So, which District do you think Aria landed in? I need to know so I can get in touch with her after the post-rebellion stuff," I ask my squard seriously.

* * *

**Third Person P.O.V.**

At a sports bar in District 4, Blueno was drying a beer mug, when Aria crashed through the roof and landed on the bar chair across from him.

"May I help you?" Blueno asked Aria.

"Where am I?" Aria asked Blueno.

"A sports bar in District 4," Blueno answered. "What can I get you, dollface?"

Aria pondered this over for a moment.

"I'd like a margarita. I think I'm gonna be here a while..." Aria said.

* * *

**(1)** - I have this headcanon that all of the people on Thriller Bark (except Perona, Moria, and Kuma) have British accents, so that's why Lola has a British accent in this fic.

**(2) **- I regret to inform you of this, but there are no gift cards to the Doctor Who Store in London. I've never been to London to check out the Who Store, so I can't verify that.

**(3) **- Holden's referring to Lenalee Lee from D. Gray-man. Lenalee's English voice actor is Luci Christian, who is also my dream voice actor for Hana.

Alright, so, you may be wondering what book series I'm going to parody next, now that this parody of _The Hunger Games_ is ending and my parody of _Twilight_ is also ending. Here's a quick run-down of some book series and what I have to say about me parodying them:

_Divergent_: Already an in-progress Fairy Tail (and soon to be Fairy Tail/Homestuck) fic. I will be working on this parody well into 2013, since the final book in the _Divergent_ trilogy isn't out yet.

_Game of Thrones _series: I have some good news and some bad news regarding this - The good news is that this fic is not dead and episode 2 will be out soon. The bad news is that **Queen Eli **is no-longer the co-author of the fic. However, she's still working as my Beta-Reader for the fic. Expect episode 2 to come out in the coming days.

_Matched_ trilogy: Already did a parody one-shot of it for **The DysFUNctional Pirates **(it's the chapter _It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp_). I have no intention of doing a full parody of it for two reasons - One, I've stated before that I do not like this book trilogy, since I immediately disliked the protagonist and the setting upon reading. And, two, if I did a full version parody of it, it would be a crack fic with a love triangle between Tenth Doctor x Marceline from Adventure Time x Sherlock, and you wouldn't want to see that.

_Gemma Doyle _trilogy: My plans to parody this have been in limbo for sometime. At the moment, I have no intention to parody it. Although, I do think that Madoka from Madoka Magica makes a good character to play Gemma.

_Hush Hush _series: There's a small chance I may do a parody of this as a One Piece fic. I repeat, a SMALL chance.

_Delirium _series: I have no interest in doing a parody of this series. Absolutely nothing sparked my interest in reading or parodying this book.

_Maze Runner _series: I also have no interest in doing a parody of this series, for the same reasons as to why I don't plan on parodying _Delirium_.

_Mortal Instruments_: As much as I love this book series (and Clary), I won't parody it. Too many books in the series.

_Infernal Devices_: I might do a parody of this series, even though I won't parody TMI. The idea of sassy!Tessa is just too appealing.

_Across the Universe_: I have no interest in parodying this. It didn't seem like an exciting book for me.

_Legend _series: I really want to write a parody of this book. Not only do June and Day seem like awesome characters, but I feel that a parody of this book series would make an awesome Gintama fanfic.

_Daughter of Smoke and Bone _trilogy: I read the first book, and I thought it was okay. However, I see no plans to parody this.

_The Luxe_ series: Since I like the book series and I found many things to parody while reading the series, I WILL make a parody of it. However, plans to parody _The Luxe _have been in limbo for some time.

_Bright Young Things_ trilogy: I am going to write a parody of this, even though the parody will be mainly making fun of all of the 1920's-set YA fiction that has suddenly popped up. All I need to do is get a copy of the book, and then I can begin writing.

_Harry Potter_: I'm sorry, but it's been done before. I even tried to write a Harry Potter parody, but it became a dead fic.

_Beautiful Creatures _series: I've started to show an interest in the book series, so I may have to check it out. A parody of this series may or may not happen.

_Chemical Garden _series: I need to find out more about these books. If I do write a parody of them, can somebody please draw a new/parody cover to _Fever_? The girl on the cover kind of scares me...

_The A-List _series: Even though it's NINE books, I will parody it. A story about the rich and famous of Los Angeles? Challenge accepted.

_The Golden Compass_ trilogy: Yes, I plan to re-write my parody of the _Golden Compass_ trilogy. I just don't know when.

_The Selection_ trilogy: I'm not going to parody it, but it will be referenced/kind-of parodied in my next **DysFUNctional Pirates** movie.

_Fifty Shades of Grey_: No. Just no.

**Long rant over. Go review, chitlins.**


	43. Still Alive

**Author's Note: **The last chapter and the epilogue will be posted sometime this week. But, enjoy the penultimate chapter.

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece or the song _Still Alive._**

* * *

**Hana's P.O.V.**

It's been two days since we won the revolution. Tomorrow is Pwngoat's execution, and I'm still wondering why we're all staying at his mansion. I ponder this and some other stuff (mainly Homestuck update predictions, Doctor Who theories, and what I will do with my life until season three of Sherlock comes out) as I walk around the mansion. Just as I'm about to think of some reasons why Andrew Hussie kissed Rufio, I hear crying. I follow the crying into the library, where Sengoku is sitting with President Pwngoat.

"Sengoku, what's wrong?" I ask.

"We have to put my pet to sleep tomorrow!" Sengoku yelled. "Pwngoat's my baby, not an evil dictator!"

"What are you going to do after his execution?" I ask.

"I've figured it all out - I'm going to move to District 1 and become the director/producer of the re-boot of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," Sengoku explains.

"Sounds like a plan, Stan," I say as I leave.

"Wait!" Sengoku yells. I stop in my tracks.

"What? Make this quick, because I want to re-watch Sherlock for the fifth time," I explain.

"Watch out for Ageha. Bitch stole my job."

* * *

The next day, I'm dressed in a light-blue T-shirt with a Mockingjay on it, dark-blue skinny jeans, and black, high-top, Converse shoes. But, I'm led to a room where Ageha, Thierry, Ace, Heathcliffe, Aki, Usopp, Robin, and Sadi-chan sit.

"Thank you all for coming," Ageha says as I sit down between Ace and Thierry.

"Gracias."

"I suppose you're wondering why I summoned the last remaining Victors after all of the other Victors took off for exotic locales such as Escalatorland, the World's Largest Potato Clock, and Corpus Christi, Texas," Ageha explained. "Well, as my first act of President of Panem, I will be running a final Hunger Games with Capitol children. You will vote on it."

"I say 'yes'. Let the Capitol have a taste of their own medicine," Sadi-chan answers. Is this the only time I've heard her speak?

"No..." Aki answers simply.

"For Aki's sake and my own sake, I'm voting 'no' as well," Heathcliffe explains.

"No. Just no," Usopp answers.

"Yes. Those pricks deserve it," Robin explains.

"Zzzzzz... Zzzzzzzzzz... Zzzzzzzz... No... Zzzzzzzz..." Ace answers in-between snores.

"Yes. For Aria, even though she's alive and well in District 4," I explain.

"Yes, because fuck your couch!" Thierry slurs befoe he chugs from his bottle of whiskey. Ageha sighs.

"Well, looks like we have a tie. Let's discuss this over lunch at Baja Fresh," Ageha suggests. Her watch then beeps. "Looks like it's time for Pwngoat's execution."

I could care less about this execution. I just want to go home and be with Holden. And read copious amounts of yaoi and Game of Thrones.

* * *

A few minutes later, all of the cameras are on the town square of the Capitol. I stare Pwngoat and Ageha down, my Portal gun set to "vaporize".

"Any last words, President Pwngoat?" I ask. Sengoku flips on Pwngoat's translator.

"_This was a triumph.  
I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS.  
It's hard to overstate my satisfaction.  
Aperture Science  
We do what we must because we can.  
For the good of all of us.  
Except the ones who are dead.  
But there's no sense crying over every mistake.  
You just keep on trying till you run out of cake.  
And the science gets done.  
And you make a neat gun.  
For the people who are still alive.  
__  
I'm not even angry._  
_I'm being so sincere right now._  
_Even though you broke my heart._  
_And killed me._  
_And tore me to pieces._  
_And threw every piece into a fire._  
_As they burned it hurt because I was so happy for you!_  
_Now these points of data make a beautiful line._  
_And we're out of beta._  
_We're releasing on time._  
_So I'm glad I got burned._  
_Think of all the things we learned_  
_for the people who are still_ -" President Pwngoat sings before I vaporize Ageha.

That'll teach her for trying to make a regimine that would've been WORSE than President Pwngoat's.

"What the hell?!"

Then, a sickening thing happens - Pwngoat then begins to throw up lots of sharp, tin cans. I'm not sue if he's poisoned, since he's also throwing up a lot of blood, too.

Needless to say, I faint from seeing all of that blood.

* * *

**Ending Note: Review if you want to see the fic's heartwarming end.**


	44. Homestuck!

**Author's Note: **Here we are - The final chapter. The epilogue will be posted in a few minutes.

**Disclaimer: I still don't own One Piece or _The Hunger Games_.**

* * *

**Second Person P.O.V.**

A young girl stands alone in her room at the Hyatt Hunger Games Training Center. It just so happens that today is the day that she gets to go home to District 12 after winning a long-ass revolution. Though it has been sixteen years ago that she has been given life, it is only today that she will be given a name.

What shall this young girl's name be?

**Enter Name: Insufferable Prick**

Although that is an apropro name for a lad by the name of "Dave Strider", it is not an apropro name for this girl. What is her name?

**Enter Name: Hana Yakushi**

Your name is Hana Yakushi. You have a variety of interests for fangirls, including Doctor Who, Sherlock, Homestuck, anime, Game of Thrones, _Inception_, and yaoi. You have won two consecutive Hunger Games in a row, and that's how you got your BELOVED PORTAL GUN. Your Pesterchum handlename is **taishoSatellite**, and you talk like a fangirl on Tumblr.

What will you do?

* * *

**Hana's P.O.V.**

It's over. I can't believe the revolution is over. No more totalitarian states, no more forcing hot men and women to prostitute themselves, and, most of all, no more Hunger Games.

These thoughts make me smile on the hovercraft ride with Thierry, Ace (who is asleep; surprise, surprise), and Sanji.

"Glad to be returning home?" Sanji asks me.

"Yep. I need to catch up on some yaoi," I answer. "What will you be doing, Sanji?"

"I'm going to make a new singing contest that will be better than Americal Idol AND The X Factor. Want to be a contestant?" Sanji asks as the hovercraft lowers. "Whoops. This is District 3, my stop."

"Why District 3?" I ask.

"Usopp invited me to the Cat Video Festival," Sanji explains. "I'll see you around, Hana, my Mellorine. As for Thierry and Ace... I could care less."

Sanji gets off the hovercraft. I turn to Thierry.

"Sanji's a womanizer," Thierry answers.

* * *

When we get back to District 12, Thierry goes to the bar, Ace goes to his house to sleep, and I go to my meadow. But, Daz Bones is digging a large hole and putting dead bodies in it.

"What are you doing?!" I cry.

"Burying the bodies of the people who died when that propane tank exploded," Daz Bones explained. "Right now, I'm burying the bodies of Mayor Hawkins, his family, and their two maids."

"I'm right here, you know!" Sadie cries, as she is standing right next to me.

"Sadie... She will be missed," I say sadly.

"Hana, I'm alive!" Sadie cries.

"If it weren't for Sadie, we'd still be in a repressed country. She's the true revolutionary figurehead," I say. Then, Sadie bitch-slaps me.

"Hana, I'm right here! My family only survived the burning of District 12 because we were at Disney World at the time!" Sadie yells. I hug her in response.

"You're alive! You lived!" I yell.

"I need a fucking raise..." Daz Bones say under his breath.

* * *

After stopping at Target to catch up with Tsuru, I arrive home. As I bring in the gifts from Lola that were on the front porch, a surprise is waiting for me.

"You love me. Real or not real?"

I turn around, and I see Holden standing in the hallway. I smile.

"Real," I say before I run up to Holden and glomp him.

"Oh, by the way, your mom and Aria went to District 4 to open a hospital," Holden says. I let go of him.

"What?!" I cry. "Oh, well. I guess it's time to start anew."

Holden and I then begin the hottest make-out session we ever had as a couple.

* * *

**Ending Note: Review if you want to see the heartwarming epilogue!**


	45. Epilogue

**Author's Note: **Well, here's the epilogue. I'm kinda bummed that this fic was over, but it was a ton of fun parodying one of my favorite book series.

**Disclaimer: I don't own _The Hunger Games _or One Piece.**

* * *

**Many years later...**

Holden and I watch our two kids, Luffyko and Sabo, play in the meadow. They're two, innocent kids who don't have to worry about the Hunger Games or evil goats, since they're living in a free Panem run by President Makino.

Lucky bastards.

Just as I am about to put my arm around Holden to remind me of all of the love I had through my more exciting years, Ace staggers over to us. For the first time in my life, I don't smell coffee. Then, it hits me -

Ace is awake, and he didn't need coffee or caffiene pills to get him going.

"Hey, I just woke up from a very weird dream involving revolutions, Communism, Portal references, and hot men named Heathcliffe Sarutobi, and I have a question to ask you," Ace explains. "When do our Hunger Games begin?"

I facepalm.

* * *

**Third Person P.O.V.**

Hana awoke in her bedroom on the Hyperion. She looked to her nightstand, where her copies of _The Hunger Games, Catching Fire_, and _Mockingjay _were stacked. Surrounding it were DVDs for Doctor Who and Sherlock, pins with the Homestuck Trolls' symbols on them, a DVD for the movie _Inception_, and several yaoi doujinshis.

"Never again... Never again..." Hana said to herself.

**The End**

* * *

**Ending Note: **Want to see another book parody with Ace as the main character? Want to see a fanfic where Ace ISN'T asleep? I'll be writing a parody of _Fahrenheit 451 _with Ace as Montag, so expect that in a few days!

**Lastly, please, please, PLEASE review this fun parody. It was a lot of fun for me to work on, so I should deserve lots of reviews for all of my hard work.**


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